New, need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
New, need help
7
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 7:34pm
I've been reading your posts and stories and you are inspiring. I look forward to learning from you all.
I'm in quite a spot, and I'm all over the place right now. I don't know what pushed me over the edge today to seek out this message board, but I've hit a wall. I'm 35, married for 9 years with a 5 year old son. When I married my husband, I was 100% certain it was the right decision. I was totally in love. He wasn't perfect, he is older, had a rough childhood, and I truly believe he suffers from depression and ADHD. Major anger issues. But I was in love and I could handle it. Things started going downhill when pregnant with my son. He had a hard time accepting that he was already a father even though the baby hadn't been born. We tried for over a year to get pregnant, but when it happened he was emotionally distant and not there for me. He didn't even show up for my ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. He told me he'd meet me there and went back to bed. Broke my heart. Didn't apologize until counseling a few weeks ago. He also didn't get to the hospital after my water broke for 3 hours. I was alone in the waiting room for an hour, then they took me to a room and he showed up with starbucks after an hour. Things like this have happened throughout our marriage these past few years. He is a good guy but seriously inept at family and social issues. I've begged him to get counseling and to see a doctor about medication. He loves our son more than anything, I do know that. But I am not sure he is capable of truly teaching him to be a man. Long story short, something snapped with me a few months ago and I told him again how unhappy I am and how we needed to do counseling AND that I was at the point of separating. He didn't say a word or respond but he did go to counseling. He cried, he apologized, but I was numb. Too late. I feel NOTHING and I feel guilt for feeling nothing.

Here's the part that complicates things. Through a friend, I met a guy last spring who was newly divorced. His wife left him, he has kids he ADORES, fun, good looking, funny, everything that I am missing. We were just friends for a long time, texted and I consoled him about his divorce. He was/is really torn up still. I have always known he's a mess, too. He has a hard time with emotion, he's self-centered, he's flaky about plans. All this I already knew from his best friend, who is a mutual friend of ours. When I told my husband I wanted to separate, in my head, it was over. My AP was whining one day about his divorce and I confided in him that I told my husband I wanted to separate and that I'd be in his boat pretty soon. We continued to be friends and somehow started joking about "Friends With Benefits." Many hints and flirtations later, we met up, talked about it and decided to try it. He has his kids half the time and his job keeps him hopping, but we managed to get together at least once a week for the last 3 months. It was my escape. I love going over to his house. It's warm, comfortable, we just talk and relax for a while but always end up in bed. I haven't been attracted to H for years so I completely rediscovered my sexuality. OMG. Mindblowing with this man. But as he's always told me he's "not a talker" and I began craving more and more from him, I wanted to hear I was beautiful, sexy, etc. We both agreed the sex was great but he is so strange about never giving compliments or assurance. I started to feel like I was being needy, which I just HATE. He married his wife when he was 20. They met in high school. He'd only been with her before me, so I worried about comparisons. When I would ask him anything, he'd blow up and say I was pressuring him. I feel like such an idiot. We argue at least every week and end with "If you keep pressuring me I'm done." and "If you blow up at me again I'm done." but both always agree to try to be better. Well, we had a doozie this week and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to talk to him, not text, but talk. He said he was fine, he wasn't mad, so he had no reason to talk. I was the pne with the problem and he wasn't talking about it again. That broke my heart. Selfish jerk. But as always, he backed off, I backed off and we decided to get together Sunday. He's always said we are friends first, and if we stop the sex we will still be. But my FRIENDS would never refuse to talk to me when I'm upset. I truly believe he is incapable of accepting anyone's care or concern or love. I wish wish wish that I had not texted him last night! I sent him a quick text to ask him something and he replied. But I still feel so weird about our fight. And haven't heard from him all day. I'm so depressed and I know I can't keep doing this. I feel like such an idiot but I keep feeling like he's just messed up and that he needs me as much as I need him. When we are together, it's wonderful. But if he feels weird too, like I'm sure he does, I'm pretty sure our Sunday plans are off. And I really want to be the one to cancel them. I know myself and I need the power. I need to be the one to cut it off. I miss him when we aren't together and he's like a drug. I ctually get high when we are together. My fixes are our texts, and when we are out of sync, I crash hard. I can't stop crying. I'm not mentally there for my son which is the worst thing in the world. I crave him. I also know this is taking away the energy I need to use to figure out my marriage. I want to WANT to fix it, but I feel NOTHING. I'm so confused. And the only thing that makes me feel better is a good day with him. What I want from him is to matter. I know from our mutual friend (who doesn't know we've been seeing each other) that he talks to me more than anyone. But I want him to be able to express how he feels. If he feels anything. Part of me wants to go have one more great night then end it. I don't know if I should contact him to cancel Sunday or just wait and see? The man he is attracts me beyond belief, but his actions break my heart. I made an appt with a counselor for next week, and I also made another marital counseling appointment. But I need help. I don't want to spend my time checking my phone or wondering. I did delete his contact info from his phone so it would be harder to text. But it's easy enough to get. If we are over, I want him to miss me. I don't want to be the pathetic mess I'm seeing myself become. Please please help!!!

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 9:39pm

Hello Lilly,

Welcome to our board,  I am sorry you are hurting and confused.  We have all been there, where you are now.  It gets better, if you are committed to end this madness it really does and the confusion goes away gradually and you start to see more clearly.

You have already made some great insights in your post:

"he's like a drug. I ctually get high when we are together. My fixes are our texts, and when we are out of sync, I crash hard."

Affairs are an additction and we get out of them the same way we fight alcoolism or a drug addiction: cold turkey.  At EAS we call it NC for No Contact.  By framing the affair as an addiction, when then can call a spade a spade.  The attraction the addiction isn't love or a healthy relationship of any type, it's a fantasy fueled by chemicals and hormones. 

 

"But my FRIENDS would never refuse to talk to me when I'm upset."

 

Here you are saying how you want to be treated by others, others who are your friends.  This is not how he is treating you.  By not treating you the way you should, he is not being respecful of you and is most certainly not being a friend.

 

I am very confused about the last few lines of your post.  You say you want to end it, but you also say you want to have one last great night with him.  Your Sunday date is cancelled, but you want to play wait and see.  You deleted his contact info from your phone, but add that it's easy to retrieve.  What are you hoping to obtain from this last rendez-vous?  Don't answer me, answer yourself.

I found it odd that you started your post talking about your H and your M issues.  At first I thought you had posted on the wrong board or maybe I was reading the wrong board, (yes I'm easily confused).  You can't truly work on your marriage no matter how hard you wish it were better and want to make it better, with an AP occupying all this head space.  One thing at a time.  The first priority is to end your A, before it is ended for you via a D-day.  Time and distance will give you the space to work on your M andthe underlying issues that got you in this mess in the first place.

 

Hugs,

 

Happy

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 7:41am
Hi, I have to be quick on way to work but I felt compelled to say something to you. I'm no where near better my ending just happened but I could of written your post. 7 years with ap this time (we have an extended 22 years past) he's broken luge your ap, not good with emotion compliments etc. you can't fix him, I couldn't fix mine, I truly believe that is a part if our addiction, there is more than that but take it from me, I've ended many times and gone back, read my post about it making me sick a few posts done. You can't fix your marriage, it has zero chance while you are still with AP, I'm struggling horrible with that and it may be to late, there was a time in this affairI could of fixed my marriage now well there's alot of damage. My kids omg my soon was 6 months when it started again, he only knows a preoccupied distracted mom, that breaks my heart. I know how you feel, I'm there please consider not going back for your health, for your life, for your son.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 9:17am
Hi Lilly, Thanks for posting on EAS, and thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you found us, and I hope you can benifit from everything you learn here, I am just wondering how much you want this for youself, or you are just feeling like you are not getting the attention you want from this man. I am not judging you, I am not talking down to you, and believe me when I say I truely want the very best for you, your child and your husband. You need to end this A as fast as you can. You are in the process of destroying your life, your family and yourself. I don't know whats most important to you right now - your child? or your need for AP? I hope very much its your child. Now, don't you agree you child deserves above everything else in this whole world a mother that can love him, care for him, is attentive, and interested in everything he does. I have a 6 year old son, and I lost 3 years out of his life due to my A, and its just not worth it Lily. No one forced this child apon you, I presume you and your husband wanted this child, I presume you wanted the best life for you child and when you were pregant you dreamt of being the best mother in the world for this child. So now is the time to step up to the mark, its time to be a adult, and not a sex crazy teenager. Its time to put your life into persepective. You marriage may well be over, it might to be able to be saved, but you at least owe it to eachother to work this out for your child. It is not possible to save your marriage while you are carrying on with another man - you can't convince me that this is possible, I am not stupid nor am I nieve, I have been there and everything in my life suffered so I could be my xAP's bit on the side. I guess you are terrified of not having your AP in your life, he's your excape, that rush of excitment, that wonderful forbidden fruit, the man that makes you feel alive. Well I can tell you from experience, its one of the most painful things you will ever have to go through if you CHOOSE to do the right thing. The people of this board are in differenent stages, some are right where you are, some are a few weeks ahead, and some are months and years ahead, but we have all been there, we all survived the pain, we all cryied ourselves to sleep, we all longed and ached for our xAP, but we all made it through, we support eachother, we lift eachother up, and we are always here for eachother. Some have to hear the cold hard truth, and it can be painful and feel like a kick when your already down, but its meant out of kindness and not hate. We all want to see each new person shine, we want them to find meaning in their lives, and heal. I don't know if you are going to join and share you journey, I'm not even sure you really want this right now, but sweety - we will be here for you when you are truely ready, truely wanting to make some big changes in your life, and ready to start NC wholeheartedly. He has made it loud and clear he does not want more from you. Again, please don't think I'm trying to make you feel worse, I am just trying to make sure you know the reality of your situation. He just wants a casual sex partner, with non of the wifey stuff he gets all day. You are the cherry on the cake, he will never leave his wife. If he did want to give you compliments, he would. You can't change this man, just like I could not change my xAP's. I am in every way too good for my xAP, I lowered myself to be with this man, and it perplexed me that he never told me how he felt about me, it drove me crazy that I was obviously "lowing" myself, and he wasn't moving mountains to be with me - I could not believe how this alone turned me from a confident woman to a needy pathetic junky for his time and affection. Stop wasting your life away, stop lowing yourself, stop disrespecting yourself, stop hating yourself, stop disengaging in your sons life, stop pretending to work on your marriage, stop your A. We are here if you need us. WGO
Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 6:37am
Hi Happy, Thanks so much for the reply! I know my post was confusing and all over the place. So am I! LOL. My marriage has been in trouble for 5 years and we are "unofficially" separated. Still sharing the house, both afraid to pull the plug because of having to put my son through what is imminent and terrified of having to split our time with him. I loved what you said about headspace. That really hit home. That's my biggest problem. I've got to get over this. I can't look at my marriage clearly while all I can think about is him. How do I do this? My heart hurts.
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 6:38am
Hi looking for happy, Thanks so much for your compassionate, empathetic reply. It helps to know I'm not alone. Stay in touch and we can get through this.
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 6:46am
Hi WGO, Thanks so much for all your insight. I totally agree with everything you said. No, I'm not 100% to the point where I WANT to end this yet, but I know I NEED to. Just not sure how to get to the point where I feel good about my decision. My son is my top priority and I know I've been distracted. It breaks my heart. I hate myself for this. I, like you said, feel like a pathetic junky. I also have a need to have the power and to end on my terms. I know it's pointless and stupid. I'm trying really hard not to just have one last night with him and then go NC so that I know it was on me. I know that's not healthy. That's my struggle right now. I just hurt and hate what I have become.
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 6:50am
One quick clarification: AP is divorced.
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby