New, need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
New, need help
4
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 7:45pm
I've been reading your posts and stories and you are inspiring. I look forward to learning from you all.
I'm in quite a spot, and I'm all over the place right now. I don't know what pushed me over the edge today to seek out this message board, but I've hit a wall. I'm 35, married for 9 years with a 5 year old son. When I married my husband, I was 100% certain it was the right decision. I was totally in love. He wasn't perfect, he is older, had a rough childhood, and I truly believe he suffers from depression and ADHD. Major anger issues. But I was in love and I could handle it. Things started going downhill when pregnant with my son. He had a hard time accepting that he was already a father even though the baby hadn't been born. We tried for over a year to get pregnant, but when it happened he was emotionally distant and not there for me. He didn't even show up for my ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. He told me he'd meet me there and went back to bed. Broke my heart. Didn't apologize until counseling a few weeks ago. He also didn't get to the hospital after my water broke for 3 hours. I was alone in the waiting room for an hour, then they took me to a room and he showed up with starbucks after an hour. Things like this have happened throughout our marriage these past few years. He is a good guy but seriously inept at family and social issues. I've begged him to get counseling and to see a doctor about medication. He loves our son more than anything, I do know that. But I am not sure he is capable of truly teaching him to be a man. Long story short, something snapped with me a few months ago and I told him again how unhappy I am and how we needed to do counseling AND that I was at the point of separating. He didn't say a word or respond but he did go to counseling. He cried, he apologized, but I was numb. Too late. I feel NOTHING and I feel guilt for feeling nothing.

Here's the part that complicates things. Through a friend, I met a guy last spring who was newly divorced. His wife left him, he has kids he ADORES, fun, good looking, funny, everything that I am missing. We were just friends for a long time, texted and I consoled him about his divorce. He was/is really torn up still. I have always known he's a mess, too. He has a hard time with emotion, he's self-centered, he's flaky about plans. All this I already knew from his best friend, who is a mutual friend of ours. When I told my husband I wanted to separate, in my head, it was over. My AP was whining one day about his divorce and I confided in him that I told my husband I wanted to separate and that I'd be in his boat pretty soon. We continued to be friends and somehow started joking about "Friends With Benefits." Many hints and flirtations later, we met up, talked about it and decided to try it. He has his kids half the time and his job keeps him hopping, but we managed to get together at least once a week for the last 3 months. It was my escape. I love going over to his house. It's warm, comfortable, we just talk and relax for a while but always end up in bed. I haven't been attracted to H for years so I completely rediscovered my sexuality. OMG. Mindblowing with this man. But as he's always told me he's "not a talker" and I began craving more and more from him, I wanted to hear I was beautiful, sexy, etc. We both agreed the sex was great but he is so strange about never giving compliments or assurance. I started to feel like I was being needy, which I just HATE. He married his wife when he was 20. They met in high school. He'd only been with her before me, so I worried about comparisons. When I would ask him anything, he'd blow up and say I was pressuring him. I feel like such an idiot. We argue at least every week and end with "If you keep pressuring me I'm done." and "If you blow up at me again I'm done." but both always agree to try to be better. Well, we had a doozie this week and I told him I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to talk to him, not text, but talk. He said he was fine, he wasn't mad, so he had no reason to talk. I was the pne with the problem and he wasn't talking about it again. That broke my heart. Selfish jerk. But as always, he backed off, I backed off and we decided to get together Sunday. He's always said we are friends first, and if we stop the sex we will still be. But my FRIENDS would never refuse to talk to me when I'm upset. I truly believe he is incapable of accepting anyone's care or concern or love. I wish wish wish that I had not texted him last night! I sent him a quick text to ask him something and he replied. But I still feel so weird about our fight. And haven't heard from him all day. I'm so depressed and I know I can't keep doing this. I feel like such an idiot but I keep feeling like he's just messed up and that he needs me as much as I need him. When we are together, it's wonderful. But if he feels weird too, like I'm sure he does, I'm pretty sure our Sunday plans are off. And I really want to be the one to cancel them. I know myself and I need the power. I need to be the one to cut it off. I miss him when we aren't together and he's like a drug. I ctually get high when we are together. My fixes are our texts, and when we are out of sync, I crash hard. I can't stop crying. I'm not mentally there for my son which is the worst thing in the world. I crave him. I also know this is taking away the energy I need to use to figure out my marriage. I want to WANT to fix it, but I feel NOTHING. I'm so confused. And the only thing that makes me feel better is a good day with him. What I want from him is to matter. I know from our mutual friend (who doesn't know we've been seeing each other) that he talks to me more than anyone. But I want him to be able to express how he feels. If he feels anything. Part of me wants to go have one more great night then end it. I don't know if I should contact him to cancel Sunday or just wait and see? The man he is attracts me beyond belief, but his actions break my heart. I made an appt with a counselor for next week, and I also made another marital counseling appointment. But I need help. I don't want to spend my time checking my phone or wondering. I did delete his contact info from his phone so it would be harder to text. But it's easy enough to get. If we are over, I want him to miss me. I don't want to be the pathetic mess I'm seeing myself become. Please please help!!!

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 6:48am
Thank you progression! I will get that book ASAP! Having a rough time.
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 6:48am
Thank you clarity!
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 6:12pm
Hello Lily! I too would like to extend a warm welcome to you to EAS. Ending an A is very difficult and painful but worth every ounce you put into it. May I suggest a book for you that can help you to see YOU a bit more clearly? "Women Who Love Too Much" By Robin Norwood Chapter 1 Loving The Man Who Doesn't Love Back 2 Good Sex In Bad Relationships 3 If I Suffer For You, Will You Love Me? These are just a few chapters that I think may help you, it did for me. You are not in control of your life right now, the men you have choosen are in control, and by what you have indicated, they do not have your best interest at heart. I hope you read this book....it will help you so much. You can end your affair! You have a great support network here at EAS to help you! Please post in, I would like to know how your are doing. Best, Progression
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 12-07-2012 - 10:12pm

Hi Lilyann

Welcome to the Ending an Affair Support Board.  I hope you feel a little better having shared your story...tends to unburden us bit when we share and get it out.

It's practically impossible for women to be 'friends with benefits' with a man...never mind a married man...and not want more...while he can compartmentalize it and keep it just friends with benefits. And true to form, you started to want more and expected him to behave and respond more like one of your girlfriends...and he did not because he's a guy...not a girl..and he just wanted a little carefree, easy and friendly action on the side. So, it's never going to work.  And it shouldn't anyway, because it is an affair...and you are both already committed to another life.

I hope you take some time to read through our Healing Library, while waiting for others to chime in with support, which we are trying to build up, since it was burned down when ivillage did a major switchover...the glitches are still being ironed out.

I'm glad you are scheduled to sit with a therapist...she can help you sort through this mess and help you get to the bottom on your issues.  

I suggest that you formally end your affair with a simple "I've decided to work on my marriage...there will be no further contact. Then block all avenues of contact.  Whether he misses you or not is not important.  What IS important is why you are here.  Like all of us here, commitment doesn't appear to be our strong suit...commitment to our vows, our spouses, our families ourselves.  Poor coping skills...lack of boundaries...these are our issues to deal with and a good therapist will help you delve into your core issues.  So, that's a really good start..making that appointment.  Coming here for support is good too.  We can support you in your ending and help you start gaining back your self-respect and self worth so you can once again live an honest life with integrity.

((hugs))

Clarity

 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board