New Perspective

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
New Perspective
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 7:27pm

First of all, I've been reading here for a year and a half, and it has helped SO MUCH!! THANK YOU to everyone!! Seems that every day I come to read, I see the perfect message I need that day.

After numerous tries, we finally agreed to end 10 days ago. Thoughts have been making me crazy this weekend and I decided to try something different. I went to the "Betrayed Spouses" board to read awhile. All the sudden I feel completely different about all this!

My xap was separated from his wife for a year when we met at work, became friends and then crossed the line. We had PA for 4 months and then his wife decided to come back and try again. It has been a year and they are still 'trying'. I should have backed out completely a year ago, but he is a master of mixed messages and for a long time insinuated she would be leaving. He lost his job last winter, so work is much better without him there.

I thought about his wife the other day and thought about how she would feel if she found out that she's been working on this for a year, and he's still cheating. I can't even imagine the devastation and I certainly don't want to be part of it anymore!

So if you need the fog to clear faster, go over there and read a few posts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 11:18pm

 I have to be honest. There are many days when the only thing that is keeping me from reopening doors to A is just this. It has been a month since I broke it off with xAP. 25 days since I went n.c.  I just couldn't do it anymore.

When I was with my H I was saying "I love you" when I wanted to say "I care about you." When I was with xAP I was sayingcare about you" when I wanted to say "I love you." I hated lying to my family and all the people I cared about, whether it was an outright lie, a lie by omission, or a half-truth...I felt I was being faded into a pile of lies and deceit.

But what bothered me the most? Was the thought of xAP's wife? At first I justified A because when I met xAP he was was a grey area at a time I was extremely lonely and vulnerable.  Then when he moved back in with his W, I continued A... telling myself that if he wasn't cheating with me, he would just cheat with someone else. (The fact that this is true and didn't bother me? A whole nother thread)

And then it occured to me. Yes..maybe he would cheat...but not me. This is not my pattern. I fell in love (i thought) with the man..but these were definately circumstances that were. not. okay.

 Every once in a while he would complain. "She is making me go to marriage counselling" and I would think. one can MAKE you do anything...and B...good for her! and  then I would  think what am I doing here? I have got to get out of the picture!

But some days it is just hard to remember. Today was one of those days. H and I were having one of our not-so-better-days. I found a jersey I had intended to give to xAP. I was so tempted to reach out to xAP. But I thought of his wife. And I just couldn't do it.

So..for me anyway? Your post was timely! Thankyou.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.