A New Perspective

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
A New Perspective
5
Wed, 06-02-2004 - 8:48pm
I still have many daily thoughts of xMM but the emotions that used to be with them have decreased tremendously to the point where the thoughts are just memories now. Except for one thought - our last conversation. It was initiated by me. I sent a "feeler" text message to him. He responded by saying that since the end of our A him and his W had been getting along great and that he no longer wanted to deal with me anymore. Wow. Talk about a nice slap on the face. I wanted to hate him so bad. After what we shared how could he say that. I know the times that we had were special to him and we connected on such a level.

But, him saying that was probably the best thing that could have happened to me for two reasons 1. I will never contact him again because I have a little bit of pride left! and 2. I do not think that I could bear the pain of what other nasty things he could say to me. So as a result of that text message it has been well over 3 months of NC.

So, today once again I was lost in my usual thought of "How could he say that to me" when I turned the situation around and put myself in xMM's shoes. I always try to do that in a situation so that I can get both sides of the story before reacting. For whatever reason I had never did that with the ending of the A. If I were xMM I would have probably reacted the same way (probably not using as harsh of words) but nonetheless, I would want for me to hit the road and stay away. xMM's W told him to choose me or his family. I need to respect his choice and stop playing "poor me" no matter how much it hurts. He had to do what he did. If he was single like I was we would have hit it off great but that was not the case. I need to swallow my feelings and respect his wishes. Me trying to contact him only makes the situation worse and him more angrier. I have to accept that the times that we shared were special and to put what happened between us in the past because to be honest that is exactly where it is.

I feel that I have come such a long way after ending a year long A and this is the last hurdle I need to overcome. It is no longer "How could he do this to me / how could he hurt me this bad". I have to realize that he is reacting exactly how I would react if I were the one who was trying to redevote myself to my W and children.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 06-03-2004 - 9:55am
Wow, your third paragraph really hit home for me. I too am realizing that my xMM choosing his family over me, really has nothing to do with me. It's really great that you were able to put yourself in his shoes, despite the hurtful thing he said to you. You are a bigger person than he. I am sure on the inside he too remembers the special times you shared. I hope there comes a day for all of us where are thoughts no longer linger on the ones we had to let go. Good luck and thank you for sharing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 10:02am
i agree & i admire you...anything you can DO to get past the anger is wonderful...i unfortunately was totally unable to do that...it grew & festered & finally exploded into a big mess...i don't EXACTLY regret the mess but i must admit that i regret letting a growing anger get the best of me & that i dealt w/it in the least appropriate manner possible...i think you are terrific.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 3:12pm
I keep referring to my post when my feelings get down. I probably should print it to refer to when I start to fall into my thoughts to serve as a reminder to how he feels!

Since coming to this realization of HIS thoughts (and not just focusing on mine!), I can not say I feel 100% better about the whole situation but it has helped tremendously. Those final words still hurt.

Sometimes I am so curious as to whether or not he ever thinks about me. I know that my thoughts of him are not the same as they once were but there are so many things that trigger memories with him. I wonder if it is like it for him too. Sometimes I wish I could have that final conversation with him to find out the answers to all of my questions but come a few weeks later I would more than likely have even more questions! If he only knew how I still think about this!

Just pouring out my thoughts here......

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 3:55pm
The best way not to hurt is to forgive him. That is the best way to forgo of all the hurt that you felt by his betrayal. I am kind of feeling peaceful with my ending A because I feel that I was expecting too much in terms of commitment from him which he could not provide. I could forgive him for that and it has made my recovery much easier. Just dwelling on why you were done wont doesn't help much. Just try to accept him as a human with faults and forgive. Its the best way to truly move on.. Good Luck!


Edited 6/7/2004 3:59 pm ET ET by julietsfate
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 4:14pm
That is so ironic that you suggest forgiving him. That is an idea that I recently stumbled on. That is a new idea for me because I am very very good at holding grudges against someone for a very long time.

I do not know that I even know how to forgive him. But I definately agree that it would more than likely allow me to let go of some anger.