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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
New to posting
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Mon, 04-12-2010 - 2:26am

Hello. I have been lurking here for the last couple of months. I would like to thank you women (and men) who have shared your stories. Without this site I think I would have had a breakdown by now. It has help me tremendously. I have finally decided to come out of lurking because I realize I can't go through this by myself and no one else seems to understand.

My story is like so many others on here. We are both married, me for 9 years, him for 17. He is quite a bit older then me. The A started 11 months ago. When we met I had no idea that it would turn into this, but it didn't take long. A month later we were moving so fast I didn't have time to stop and think that this would be a bad idea. Our A was more an EA, but there was physical involvement. I don't think it was about the sex for either of us. Although he is extremely handsome and I'm not hideous. We talked every single day. Sometimes for hours and hours. Which of course took time away from our families. We never said "I love you" and we never talked about leaving our marriages. I don't know what we were doing. It was just nice to have someone with whom I felt so connected. We had a lot of good times together even though we both knew what we were doing was wrong.

A month ago my husband found out. I was careless. He told APs wife. We haven't spoke since. Its been 34 days NC. I haven't tried to contact him and he hasn't tried to contact me either. This is for the best, but its hard.

I don't know how he is doing and it is killing me. I am trying to do right by my husband and put my energy into fixing our marriage, but it is hard. I can't quit thinking about him. I have had weak moments where I almost sent him an e-mail or a text. Somehow I managed to stop myself. I journal a lot. It helps some to get my thoughts down on paper. I wonder if he ever thinks about me too. I wonder if he has wanted to contact me. Why? Why does it matter? This is the question I keep asking myself. What would it change? Nothing. For some reason I can't get my head around that. I know it wouldn't change anything, but that doesn't help.

My husband has been amazing through this whole thing. For the first week he was so angry. Now he has forgiven me and wants to work on this. He even went as far as to hold me while I cried over missing xMM. He knows that I am hurting and he is being so understanding which in a weird way is making it worse.

Why can't I stop thinking about him? Why can't I get him out of my head? Am I doing something wrong? Some days are better than others. Today was a very bad day. Everything people said or I saw on TV reminded me of him. I haven't cried much. I feel numb. How am I suppose to work on my marriage like this? I am afraid if I can't pull it together I am going to lose my husband too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 9:51am
New,
Welcome to the board. These ladies on here saved me from exactly what you are going through now. It is so very hard and we all understand that. You have made it really far and I'm so proud of you for that. As you know from reading here that absolute NC is the best and fastest way to heal. There is really no such thing as closure when it comes to A's. It is obvious that your xmm wants his marriage. You need to continue to give him that space to fix it. I too had a hard time working on my M while still grieving xap. With time that will happen, I promise. Continue to read as much as possible here to gain insight on all the confusing feelings and emotions. I had to concentrate on the not-so-good traits of xap, even though there weren't many. I also tried to remember all the reasons I married my H. After a few months and the fog lifts, these things will become clearer to you. Stay strong and know that we are here for you.
Love, AAI
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 9:51am

Hi Whoiwanttobe-

Welcome to EAS and congrats on ending your A. You sound a lot like me... and so many others here, but I relate to the working on the M part. I had 3 DDays and my H has forgiven me. We are now working hard on ourselves and our M and it is better than it has been in a long time. I know it hurts. I know that you wonder about him and why he doesn't write and if he's thinking about you... we all have those thoughts... Read the article about obsessing in the healing library. Take it day by day. Set small goals for yourself... and one day, you will wake up, whether at day 70, 90, 100... and the thoughts will come less and less. Time does wonders for our healing... so let it do it's work. And in the meantime, try not to obsess.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 12:10pm

WIWTB,

Welcome to endings, honey. Right now you are grieving the end of your A,and what makes it more difficult for you was having the rug pulled out without warning. You had no time to prepare for what was going to happen. Many of us know ahead of time that our A's need to, or should end, giving us some to get used to the idea. In your case, it's apparent the A door is now shut, and must remain so, for the sake of your spouses and families. I am sure he has wanted to contact you on several occasions too just to say a proper goodbye, but the stakes are just too high now since it has been exposed. He has promised his W he is done, I am sure, and any contact from you would get him in deeper trouble. Both of you need to grieve the loss of this connection while fully coming to terms with the inappropriateness of it too.

I hope you have already indulged in the Healing Library where there are mountains of information to absorb that will help you deal with all of the emotions you are fighting. You are lucky your H's a forgiving man, as it could have been much worse. Be sure to read the D-Day thread, as well as the one that explains the grieving process. I will bump it up for you.

It's going to take time to get past this void you now feel, so be patient with yourself. And yes, there will be reminders everywhere, so it would be in your best interest to practice deep breathing exercises and learn a few positive affirmations that you can call upon when a trigger strikes.

We are here for you. You are no longer alone, and we will do everything we can to help you through the weeks/months ahead.

Hugs,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 4:15pm

Thank you ladies for your kind words.

AA1- I remember exactly why I married my husband. He shows me everyday. He is handsome, smart, funny, kind, the list could go on forever. He is a wonderful husband and father. I am trying to concentrate my time and energy into my marriage, sadly it isn't working. At least not right now.

Jane- I have been reading your blog. I started back at the beginning and am slowly catching up. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I have found it very helpful because a lot of the things you say/do I can relate to.

Iddy- Thank you. I was hoping you would respond to my post. I have read a lot of your responses to previous posts and you are brilliant. The way you give your time to help others that are going through the pain that you yourself know all to well. You and the other vets on this board are amazing. I am so glad I found it. Without it I don't know what I would do. Yes, I have been reading the HL over and over. The Zen of doing Nothing is my favorite. I printed it out and read it many times a day. Again, Thank you!

I have a bit more rambling to do. I have read over and over that NC is the only way to do this. I agree, but I keep trying to rationalize contacting him to myself. Like, what would it hurt? I just want to know how he is doing. Or my favorite, maybe he wants to contact me too, but he is scared...if I contact him he will know that is okay. This is silly, I know. By contacting him I would just be setting back his healing as well as my own. I know this, but he was there for me through some really hard times as I was for him. Yes, it should have been my husband who was there for me. It wasn't right, but I chose him.

I can't bad mouth xAP. He was very kind to me and in return I will be kind to him and not contact him while he is trying to rebuild his marriage. I can't look at him in a negative light. I wish I could. Maybe that would help me get over him faster. I miss him. I want to know that he misses me too. I want to know that I meant something, anything to him. I guess I need that validation. I will never get it.

My husband actually told me to e-mail him to get some closure. I won't do that to myself, xAp, and especially not to my husband. He didn't deserve any of this. He did nothing wrong. Sending an e-mail would never give me the closure I need. So I will fight this battle with you ladies and take it one day at a time while I try to figure out exactly why I had this A in the first place. I know I will make it because I have read many success stories on here. I just have to do what is right for me and my family. Thank you all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 04-12-2010 - 5:55pm

Whoiwanttobe,


Welcome. I am sorry you had a d-day and sorry for your pain, your husband's pain, and the pain of all others involved. We never set out to hurt the people we love, but it happens because we are just so blinded by the lust/desire/addiction/fog of the A that we can't--or refuse--to see the potential harm it will cause.


Of course you do. But if you examine the A closely, you may see that what you are really missing are the

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 8:28am

I too often rationalize reaching out to xap... just to check in... make sure he's ok. But someone once posed this. Ask yourself why... the real reason you want to reach out to him- is it for ego stroking? Do you just need to know he misses you too? What good would that do?

And then they laid out the 3 outcomes of doing so. 1- He would not respond... and that would be super ouchy and probably cause you to back slide a couple notches in your recovery. You'd obsess about why he didn't respond and maybe even reach out again... causing you to lose even more of your dignity. 2- He'd respond and tell you to leave him alone... Whoa, I don't think I could handle that. It would crush me. Or 3- He'd respond in a way that opens the door back to the A, and we really dont' want that. So ultimately, there is not point.

I know you may want to reach out to him, but it is not worth it. I follow a simple rule. When I want to contact him I may draft a letter and then I must let it sit for 48 hours. EVery single time I have done that, by the time 48 hours have gone by, I no longer want to reach out to him and I delete the letter.

Hang in there. It's a long journey, but will be worth it in the end.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 8:56am

To: Jane and Alwayst,


I am so proud of both of you gals. Your posts are awesome and who would guess you both only started your healing journey a short time ago. I am amazed at the wisdom coming from the

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 04-13-2010 - 4:05pm
AWWWWW... kudos from Iddy. I am blushing. Thank you.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/