new season, for you

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
new season, for you
5
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 10:24am

You wrote under the Roll Call thread:

"This one is causing me some trouble. Yes, changes have occurred, and they are better but I am still trying to figure out the M and H thing. I am blessed. Yet, I am questioning my happiness in my M and H silently. I do believe it all points back to me. I am just not so sure I want to tear down some of the walls I have built.

I am also wondering if this is a stage (I am almost 6 months NC) in my healing for those of us who didn’t have a d-day. Can anybody help me here on this?"

I wish I could help you out here, but all I can do is empathize. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo with my H and my M. I truly used my A to fill in the gaps that came from almost utter emotional and physical abandonment from my H, who is a wonderful man and father but seems to have forgotten to put me on his radar for the past few years. He is 'trying' and so I am able to afford myself a smidge of hope, but I fret that I will not be able to accept this sort of M for much longer. I don't want to leave this man. I really LOVE him. I love my family. I just feel so selfish that I want MORE. I wonder what is wrong with me that I can't be satisfied with what I have. I, too, have built up walls. H has disappointed me on so many occasions that I lowered my expectations to almost nil. that is, I lower them temporarily, then explode in resentment and anger eventually. Our process is not working, yet I don't see any way of improving it that works. Color me frustrated. I actually thought the end of my A would be the death knell for my M because I'm not longer distracted from the problems in my A, yet addressing the problems then, and now, seems futile. The only solace I have now is that I am not distracted with the A; I can see RL for what it really is without the fog and confusion. If I make a decision now, I know it's based in reality and not fantasy - and I didn't respect my vows enough to stay faithful, but I can certainly respect the prospect of ending a M (with kids involved) enough to give it my full and undivided attention.

There has been some recent discussion about the hilarity of accepting that Xap was in a sexless marriage. Not that I'm trying to pick any Ender's scabs here, but I am in a sexless marriage. I think it's not as uncommon as most believe --- am I fooling myself? I've not had a fulfilling or regular sex life with H in four years. Four f*cking (non-f*cking) years!!! Non-sex in a M is no excuse for having an A, not by any means, but it sure does breed temptation. I have a whole lot of empathy on that subject.

so, I'm 7 months out and you;re 6. What is going on in your M? Do you have an advice you can share? Does anyone else???

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 11:06am

Dee -

I'm new here, so I'm not sure what I can offer, but here are my thoughts. Just as we all say not to settle for scraps, and anything less than what we deserve in our A, even more important is to not settle for anything less than what fills you in your M. I have been divorced for 6 years. Yes, my A gave me the courage to end my M (and H never found out about the A - he just accepted that we'd grown apart and that I wasn't happy - hindsight, neither was he). BUT I'm glad I am free from the M. You said your H is a wonderful man and father. So was mine. I can easily say that I still love my ex.

<<>> Why? Why do we "count less" than everyone else in the world? I think about it in terms of what I would tell my kids. Taking an A out of the picture, if my son or daughter was in an unhappy marriage, or a "just OK" marriage, would my advice be to just accept it or suck it up? No. I think you are smart to be making the decision out of the fog. As you said, based on reality.

I'm glad you brought up the idea of sexless marriages, too. As I said in my other post - the thought of my MM having sex with his wife kills me. I agree that it's not all that uncommon. And I could be very wrong, but I think it is the case with mine. Regardless, if a healthy sex life is important to you, it is important to you. It's important to me - it's actually been a conversation I've had numerous times with my MM. I'm not the kind of woman that could ever just jump in the sack, hence another reason to get past this so I can meet a nice, available man.

I don't know if anything I've said helps - I just want you to know that you are an important person on this planet and your wants and needs are important. The A might have just been another stepping stone in your life to figure out who you are and where you are supposed to be.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 1:19pm

Dee,
I too felt that I didn't matter much to my H. When he started to suspect something was going on with me, he turned a major corner, literally did a 180. Sometimes people need to be made aware of what they stand to lose if they don't step up. Have you ever considered telling him of your A and that it's possible that it could happen again if things don't change??? Just a thought.

Hugs,
AAI

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 2:57pm

Here I am!!!!

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 6:13pm
D was not an option for me so I used my EA to check out of my marriage for awhile. My H and I had a years-long lack of emotional intimacy (what I needed). Therefore, I had no sexual desire for my husband (what he needed to feel loved). It was a never-ending cycle of arguments and times where things would be calmer-always with underlying angst. I had a D-day. After that, I decided to be completely honest and tell him I had no desire. As we began to talk, we discovered our issues started when we got married but we didn't know what to do about any of it. We were miserable and clueless as to how to make things better. Since the D-day, I have told him everything about the A and how I felt pre-A. Complete honesty. He knows when I have a bad trigger day and we talk about it (today!). He knows where he went wrong and we talk about that. What has happened is that with the return of emotional intimacy, I have felt my desire return. I never thought that would happen. We have grown so much. We are taking it slow and making sure the changes we are making are lasting and real. The last thing I want is to feel that pre-A emptiness. I have torn down my walls. It sounds cliche, but men and women really do think and communicate differently. We both read books about this and had many "a-ha" moments where we said to each other, "I didn't know men (or women) thought that way!" We didn't understand our differences but we do now. I also have learned that women analyze, worry, and ruminate over relationships that are having problems. We want to understand what happened and we want answers to the most difficult relationship questions. Men are not on these boards posting about how they feel-they handle all this post-A stuff differently than we do. I'm taking it one day at a time. RTG
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 06-24-2010 - 10:47pm

Great post RTG- It's as if you were a fly on the wall of my M for the past 147 and are able to explain with perfect articulation my journey and new understanding. I could not have said it any better. Of course, I still have a long way to go to being all that I need to be for my H, but I am working on it every minute of every day. I've torn down the walls, full disclosure with H and have discovered a new sense of intimacy we have never had before.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/