New Situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
New Situation
12
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 2:15pm
Hey, for any of you that have not read my messages, I am new to the board and I really love the support. Thank you.

I have a situation that came up and I'm not sure how to deal with it. So I need your suggestions. Just to refresh, I have been having an A for 10 years, I have been trying to get out of it for at least half that time believe it or not, but you all know how hard it is. Last Friday everything was great I thought with the OM and then Saturday night he showed up with his XW at an outing we were both at. He of course totally ignored me. Anyway, I knew that he would either email and tell me not to hate him or totally avoid me, instead of being a real man and true friend and clue me in to what is going on. So I am sitting here today and he walks in my office, I thank God for giving me the idea to call my sister a few minutes earlier, so I was on the phone when he came in. He lingered a couple of minutes but I showed no sign of getting off. So he then looked at me and told me he would be back, I just looked at him. In about 10 minutes he came back, but my friend was already here waiting to go to lunch with me, so he left. Now I am confused because of course I am dying to know what he would have said, if he would have offered an explanation? Should I call and ask if he needs to talk or should I continue NC? My goal is to get over this A, I haven't wanted to be in it, I know you all understand. So any advice on what would be the best for me here would be appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: gaillinette
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 2:44pm
GL,

Do you or don't you want to be in this affair??? I don't know your situation or details but hanging on his every action/word when you want to end is only going to make you miserable. Make your intentions clear to yourself before you do anything further. Its not fair to him or yourself to put yourself thru the blow hot/blow cold treatment. I know how you feel. You want it to end but when you see him in close proximity as in work, you have doubts about it. Then you send that email that you regret sending a mintute you have done hitting send. Wish they had unsend options for emails.. :)

I have been slipping up a lot, I email my OM only to realize I may have confused him about my intentions. I told him I cannot be doing this friendship thing after we ended it... It so hard to keep up NC, although I am trying really hard. Then he would email something that would break my resolve. Its one thing or another. I can't think straight anymore these days. So before I email, I ask myself "is this you want to do to myself" It has helped me many a time from hitting that send button.

So trying doing some thought control before you trying breaking NC or deicide you can't do it any more or whatever. If he needs to talk he will call. You don't have to make it easier for him. If he decides not to call, then it was not meant to be. That is what I think about it all. I believe in "everything happens for a reason". It fits into that logic perfectly. :)

Juliet

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: gaillinette
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 2:50pm
What I have learned from my own experience and from what knowledge I have collected from the posts here.... we will always require some type of closure. If you do not speak to him about it you will wonder for the rest of your life.

For your own peace of mind i think you need to tell him how things really are for you.

I initiated no contact one month ago with my OM. He has phoned me twice since then and we chatted nicely. Last Monday I phoned him on his lunch hour and asked him how his sons graduation went. He was ecstatic that I took the time to call. It did not necessarily mean I was looking to hook up just wondering how he was and that yes I did still think of him. Being able to say "good bye my friend, you have a nice day, I'll talk to you later" is a very nice way to end a conversation.

I know the consensus of this board is that no contact really means no contact and the likelihood of a continuing friendship is quite rare but it's not impossible.

good luck

elf

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: gaillinette
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 3:12pm
Closure comes from with yourself. No amount of talking to the XOM/XMM it going to get you there quicker. If GL's OM had anything really important to her he would heve told her by now. Waiting for closure with his words can get you so much. Rest really is upto you. Another piece of wisdom that I also learned from here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: gaillinette
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 3:26pm
I was simply saying that quite often there is regret over what was not said. I did not imply that she needed to hear what he had to say but she needed to say to him those things that he needed to hear from her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: gaillinette
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 3:37pm
I have never thought about closure in that way. I want to live a life where none of this matters. I would say that should be my closure, my decision. Whatever I am wanting from OM is not going to make a difference anyway. I guess I just wanted to feel better about myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: gaillinette
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 3:38pm
IT's all so confusing anyway. It is a two sided argument. There are many things I need to say to him, but I want to be the one on the high road and I dare don't want him to think that it is bothering me like it is. Thanks. GL
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: gaillinette
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 3:56pm
GL,

I know what you mean but not having to worry about all this.. LOL I know where you are going, but that is not a topic of discussion for the Ending board...LOL Also, its not always about taking the high road as much it is wanting peace and not wanting to expect something from some you love and not to be fulfilled, atleast for me... I was not asking too much anyway...I have been doing that for four years after a while it gets very tiring.

Juliet

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: gaillinette
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 7:40pm


I'm confused just like you about the closure issue. But sometimes i feel the things we want to tell them is not for closure but for them to want us more or know that they are losing us, is that how you feel too? So you need to tell yourself it's over and that will give you closure. Because if you tell him everything and he wants you more, are going to be strong enough to walk out then? I do believe every person comes into our life for a reason, and some give us something and some take something from us. In some ways my XMM gave me something but he took more from me. But i just have to let it go and accept the loss without struggling to get it back from him. Eventhough, part of me still wants to call him and just ask what happened, why he is not calling me back. but like you i want to be the one on the high road and when i did talk to him last week i pretended everything in my life was perfect, i just don't want to be the weak one and i think problem is we're both very stubborn. And like you my xMM is not very emotional, so that makes me want to not show my feelings either

I just recently read the book "the last time they met" and it is about love and affair and if it is meant to be, maybe in the future when things are different we'll be with them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: gaillinette
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 9:25am
Hi there! I have to agree with Juliet - closure comes from within YOU. I understand that that probably doesn't sound accurate, but just as a case in point - you're devoting alot of time to thinking about getting closure and what he might have said, what you might have said, etc. That's not going to help you get over the A! A successful ending comes from redirecting your thoughts on a regular basis whenever they wander over to the magical A. This is not easy. I've had NC for just about 4 months now. Well, I haven't contacted him, but he's tried contacting me several times. I have not responded.

On the one hand, it helps me get closure just to know that I made the decision to end the A. The closure comes from within ME because I made the decision and have stuck with it. On the other hand, as my post on the board right now says, I get frustrated whenever the XMM tries to contact me. As time has gone on, I've had less and less things I want to say to him to gain closure, and those things that I have wanted to say have changed since we first began NC. I have some letters I wrote to him, never intending to send them, and when I reread them now the feelings I expressed then are no longer there. Well, that's not entirely true. The feelings are still there, but are much less intense.

The closure I tried to get was on MY end. I made a decision to end the A; I got rid of the things that reminded me of him, including those things that belonged to him that I wondered whether I should return. I did this rather ceremoniously, I might add. Even his sweaty old hockey jersey has no meaning to me anymore. I journalled about the items as I got rid of them, writing down what I would have said had I returned it in person.

I guess the thing I wanted to keep in the forefront of my mind is that whatever I might have wanted to say to him might not have been good for him. In ending my A, I was the dumper. I caused him enough pain, I saw no reason to further torture him with unnecessary conversations. This is just my experience.

You need to do whatever will work for YOU. Remember, though, that while you may be curious what he would have said to you in your office yesterday afternoon, the things he said may have led you right back into the A, or at least messed with your resolve. If you have truly made a decision to end the A, it's not worth leaving yourself vulnerable to him. JMHO. Best of luck, honey! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
In reply to: gaillinette
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 10:43am
You seem to really have it under control,your replies make me want to be stronger. Thank you.

WEll as fate would have it, 15 minutes before I left work yesterday his secretary called and asked me to stop by his office to pick up something. Of course I did, and this is what happened. He acted like nothing had happened Saturday night, I was expecting an explanation like that he and his XW were going to try to work it out or something like that, but he totally acted like that was not happening. He even tried to hit on me again, I was blown away. But the good thing about this is I think I have finally realized he is not what I thought he was? Here is a guy with 2 small children, moping around since his divorce because he can't see his kids when he wants to, looks like he might have a chance to get that back with XW, but yet he still tried to keep up mine and his relationship.

You would think I would know this after 10 years, but I actually caught him in an lie, I have proof in black and white. He tried to deny and say that they only road to the ballgame together and there was nothing else. I honestly thought he was honest in a lot of things, but now I know the truth and it is funny how the truth made me feel. Yeah I'm still angry, I'm hurt and will probably hurt worse after the anger wears off, but I also feel a little freer. I am looking foward to NC. My weakness will come in the next few months when he starts coming around again, flattering me and all that, but I will be stronger now that I have found the message board.

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