Newbie, also posted same on married OW board
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Newbie, also posted same on married OW board
| Tue, 05-24-2011 - 10:50am |
I humbly submit to this board, and the wisdom of it's members. I am ending a three 'A'. In quotes, because it had to be the most love-starved experience anyone could ever go through. I spent 3 years chasing after a man who, at best, was honest with me about what he couldn't give, at worst, indulged in a 6 month period where he apparently gave his all and I blew it. On and off for three years. I have felt the whole spectrum of negative emotions, from feeling pathetic and desperate to crazed and obsessed. I read relationship books ( yes I know, laughable), consulted dating advice, so I would not how to be so he would love me. I conveniently forgot at these times that he was the one who approached me, and so it wasn't that I wasn't 'good enough'. I can go for pages giving details of times and instances and what he said and what I said. But I won't. He would throw the bait, I would chase him. He kept me at arms length. All our conversations mostly centered around making these future plans, sometimes for a meal, sometimes to sit and 'talk', sometimes to wait for a phone conversation, plans that never materialized. Weeks would go by, just as I would start to get frustrated, he would drop a text or an email. He had all kinds of reasons, reasons that kept him from communicating with me, work, parents or inlaws visiting, deadlines etc. And if I questioned then I was being unreasonable. When I would get upset and crazed over this push pull, he would pull the 'you deserve so much better, I am releasing you' line. Except that a few weeks or months later, I would fall for a fishing attempt and there I was again.
I am M with two beautiful kids. My self esteem was low to begin with, which is why I probably succumbed to this A. But over this period, I have felt lower than low. I have felt unworthy of his love, and so have been striving to win it. At the same time something deep inside me feels completely deserving of deep love, and when the reality did not (and how) match with my internal state, it was chaos. I would be reduced in to a jelly of a woman, a mass of neediness and paranoia that would bleed in to everything else, my work relationships, my friendships. All because I didn't have his approval and validation. He would tell me I am behaving irrationally, I am a texting maniac, I have many things to 'solve for' in my life, basically that I am messed up and that is why he leaves. I tried every way I knew how to communicate what I needed in a reasonable way. I wrote emails, I stayed patient, I applauded if he so much as blinked in my direction, I smiled and said sweet things, I had phone sex, I overlooked. Oh the things I overlooked. Like times on his calendar blocked off to attend birthdays and dinners in a week that was too hectic for him to call me. Or jewelry and gift catalog in his office, when I never got a single thing. He can never remember birthdays, he would say, because he never even remembered his moms. And on his calendar would be a birthday marked for some unknown female. Never mine. Not once. I feel ashamed as I write this. I have been on a massive evidence hunt that he 'cares'. I have kept all his emails. The latest one in which he says he there is no doubt that he loves me and has done so for a long time. That was written three weeks ago. We work in the same office, yet, he has not found the time to see me. We had a text fight, because once again, I felt ignored, neglected and I said it's very telling he's not making plans or asking how next week looks. He erupted in fury. About how dare I text when he just told me he was in an important meeting. That I don't allow time for things to change, that this time around, when he 'came back', he has been trying his best. And then he dumped me. Then he called me and we were both in a heated argument. He said let's talk tomorrow. Tomorrow never came. Instead, he started ignoring my messages. I didn't send too many. A voice mail, a text a day for three or four days. Nothing. He is the one who has gone no contact. And I feel so unempowered. Howndo you ignore someone who's ignoring you. But more than that, I feel like a worthless piece of crap. Yes I know, no one can make me feel that way without my permission. But thats how I feel. I saw pictures of him and his wife on fb during the same time he sent me that love letter. They are at a church event, and she looks beautiful and happy, she's wearing a watch I saw sitting in a box on his desk about a year ago, and I wondered if I might just be the lucky recipient of. I know this is pathetic. I have just clung to his words, the ones that said I was special, that I was loved and wanted and desired and welcome. I refused to see his actions. I know I did this to myself. I let him in each time, I believed his remorse. I thought there must be something on me that draws him to me. He never pressured me for sex. In fact pointed out that he had not taken advantage of me in that way...that he could have easily created situations where we would get intimate, and I thought, well, that's what I want! How can it be advantage when I WANT to be intimate with him? I see he meant that he didn't care about me as much as I cared about him. He has said all manner of things..flip-flopping positions as he saw fit. And all this time, I have been hoping and praying and thinking that if I hang in there long enough, show enough patience, he will love me. And he has said, I DO love you. There is something wrong with you that you don't see it and behave like you do. His silence now is telling me that he has had enough of my drama and is stepping back. So in actuality, he is the one who is ending. In the end, he is the one who gets to walk away with his self esteem intact. I don't have anything left to give to anyone. Thanks for reading.
I am M with two beautiful kids. My self esteem was low to begin with, which is why I probably succumbed to this A. But over this period, I have felt lower than low. I have felt unworthy of his love, and so have been striving to win it. At the same time something deep inside me feels completely deserving of deep love, and when the reality did not (and how) match with my internal state, it was chaos. I would be reduced in to a jelly of a woman, a mass of neediness and paranoia that would bleed in to everything else, my work relationships, my friendships. All because I didn't have his approval and validation. He would tell me I am behaving irrationally, I am a texting maniac, I have many things to 'solve for' in my life, basically that I am messed up and that is why he leaves. I tried every way I knew how to communicate what I needed in a reasonable way. I wrote emails, I stayed patient, I applauded if he so much as blinked in my direction, I smiled and said sweet things, I had phone sex, I overlooked. Oh the things I overlooked. Like times on his calendar blocked off to attend birthdays and dinners in a week that was too hectic for him to call me. Or jewelry and gift catalog in his office, when I never got a single thing. He can never remember birthdays, he would say, because he never even remembered his moms. And on his calendar would be a birthday marked for some unknown female. Never mine. Not once. I feel ashamed as I write this. I have been on a massive evidence hunt that he 'cares'. I have kept all his emails. The latest one in which he says he there is no doubt that he loves me and has done so for a long time. That was written three weeks ago. We work in the same office, yet, he has not found the time to see me. We had a text fight, because once again, I felt ignored, neglected and I said it's very telling he's not making plans or asking how next week looks. He erupted in fury. About how dare I text when he just told me he was in an important meeting. That I don't allow time for things to change, that this time around, when he 'came back', he has been trying his best. And then he dumped me. Then he called me and we were both in a heated argument. He said let's talk tomorrow. Tomorrow never came. Instead, he started ignoring my messages. I didn't send too many. A voice mail, a text a day for three or four days. Nothing. He is the one who has gone no contact. And I feel so unempowered. Howndo you ignore someone who's ignoring you. But more than that, I feel like a worthless piece of crap. Yes I know, no one can make me feel that way without my permission. But thats how I feel. I saw pictures of him and his wife on fb during the same time he sent me that love letter. They are at a church event, and she looks beautiful and happy, she's wearing a watch I saw sitting in a box on his desk about a year ago, and I wondered if I might just be the lucky recipient of. I know this is pathetic. I have just clung to his words, the ones that said I was special, that I was loved and wanted and desired and welcome. I refused to see his actions. I know I did this to myself. I let him in each time, I believed his remorse. I thought there must be something on me that draws him to me. He never pressured me for sex. In fact pointed out that he had not taken advantage of me in that way...that he could have easily created situations where we would get intimate, and I thought, well, that's what I want! How can it be advantage when I WANT to be intimate with him? I see he meant that he didn't care about me as much as I cared about him. He has said all manner of things..flip-flopping positions as he saw fit. And all this time, I have been hoping and praying and thinking that if I hang in there long enough, show enough patience, he will love me. And he has said, I DO love you. There is something wrong with you that you don't see it and behave like you do. His silence now is telling me that he has had enough of my drama and is stepping back. So in actuality, he is the one who is ending. In the end, he is the one who gets to walk away with his self esteem intact. I don't have anything left to give to anyone. Thanks for reading.

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Welcome to the board, candothis.
Hi candothis.
to make amends. I let him in. And here I am, angry and hurt and blaming myself for overwhelming him. Tanks for your reply. I gave him the best of my emotions.
Going to therapy can do that....make us one raw nerve.
There is so much sadness and pain in your post, but also a lot of insight. You can see that reading "relationship books" was a joke because this (like all A's) was never a real relationship. You understand that no-one can make you feel this low unless you give them that power over your life. You know that your reasons for entering this A were all about you - your self-esteem and vulnerabilities - and little to do with him. And you recognise how pathetic it is to think that when a MM with a beautiful wife buys a gift of jewelry it would be for anyone other than his wife.
Intellectually you know all of these things, but in your heart you don't feel them yet. But at this early stage in your healing that's OK. For now all you have to do is maintain NC, read lots, and post often. The rest will follow.
One of my favourite sayings is "we can't turn off our feelings but we can turn on our self-respect" and that my dear is what we're going to help you to do. :)
Big hugs and smiles
Kat
Hi candothis, I feel your pain in your post.
You initiated contact once?
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