Newbie; ended A yesterday :o(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Newbie; ended A yesterday :o(
2
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 7:06pm

Hello there,

I haven't posted too much to this board, but today I felt I had to post. I sent OM an email yesterday telling him it's over. There were so many screwy facets to the relationship, and it was taking too much out of me. I had known him for a year and a half, but I wasn't intimate with him until about 6 months ago. It started when my husband and I separated for a month and a half, but it didn't stop. We had only been together 4 times. Twice he said he loved me, and just a few weeks ago, he said he'd "marry me someday." But then he'd ignore me for weeks or even months. I felt very strongly for him, and found myself thinking of him more and more often lately, wondering what things would be like with him, in a long-term relationship. Things with my H are okay; he isn't abusive anymore, but our marriage is just a shell of what it used to be (15 years). And, of course, sex is terrible. I once told OM I could easily fall for him, and he said that was fine with him. I never knew if our relationship was coming or going, and it isn't fair to him anyway, since I am married and can't give all I'd like to (he is divorced). Although he is 18 years older than I, we really hit it off, on many levels. I am sad to let this relationship go, but I think it's for the best for everyone involved. He hasn't contacted me yet. I almost hope he doesn't; it would make it easier on me. Let's hope I can resist if he does! Well, thanks to all for listening. Send a cyber hug if you have time! :o((((

urnxanadu

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 7:34pm

urnxanadu,

Welcome to the board and here is you cyber (((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))!!!!

It sounds like you are doing the right thing. It sounds like he doesn't really know what he wants out of your relationship, or maybe he figures he can't have it anyway, since you're married. Everyone on here will tell you that NC is the easiest and quickest way to get over the relationship. If you are like most of us, you will hit many bumps along this journey, but we will all be here for you when you fall. It is not easy!!! Keep posting. These people are very supportive and give lots of good advice and won't sugar coat anything for you! We tell it like we see it around here!!! Best of luck to you!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 9:25am

pal,

Thanks so much for your reply and the hug! It was v much needed! I am SOOOO glad I found this board, as I will need all the support I can get. I am afraid I will end up slinking back to OM if he tries to contact me. He has a history of going weeks or more without contactint me, so right now, his not contacting me is normal.

A little more about my history... My OM spent a lot of energy and time wooing me over the course of a year. Then, I felt like, once I "gave in," the "friendship" we had forged was mostly absent, and all that was left in its place was the occasional request for a visit. That hurt. I was confused when he would say he loved me, or wanted to marry me someday, but now I can see it was just to keep me around. That hurts, too, but in a strange way, also helps me to stick with the NC. He explains away his lack of attention by saying he's a busy guy...

In my marriage, I endured years of verbal and emotional abuse. My H virtually ignored me, also, communication-wise. When he turned his anger to the children, I was OUT. That was a year ago. I filed for divorce and everything, moved out with the kids. It was a wake up call. He goes to anger management now, and is a different person. I know he loves me deeply. But "I" have the problem trying to get back to where we were years ago, emotionally, after all the pain. We can't afford counseling; he's laid off. The problem with not feeling a true part of this marriage is what left the way for me to continue on with OM even after we reconciled.

So, now that I've ended the A, I don't know how to keep from feeling that empty feeling, like something is missing from my life. I don't want to leap up if OM contacts me again. Anyone been there, have any ideas? Thanks.

urnxanadu