Newbie- help pls

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2013
Newbie- help pls
9
Thu, 10-03-2013 - 11:08pm

Hello all

I initially tried MAS but think I should be here. I have bee having an A for nearly 3 years. I am married, he is separated.His wife has just moved out.

But he is now worred about money, me meeting his family (thinks that they will think its too soon when they have apparently known about me for years).

It just all feels like its slipping and he is less keen, saying what I want to hear and not whats true. I need to end it. Need your support. I will miss our daily catch ups very much. We meet every day. Talk several times a day. God how will I get through? I keep saying he wasnt what he said he was. But its not helping:(

Thanks

G

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Wed, 11-20-2013 - 11:21pm

Welcome back, Gabrielle

You don't have to beg to come back here ;)  You won't be the first person who came and went and came back again.  No shame in that...as long as you came back.

And you won't be the first person who begged and demeaned themselves trying to keep a dead affair float.  So go easy on yourself.

And yes, the affair is dead...time to lay it to rest.  And get on with your grieving.  There's nothing we can do or say to make it easy, you will just have to grieve it out...grieve it out like any other loss you have experienced.  Over time, it will get better.

The thing of it is is that you have to 'get it'...get that it wasn't working out because it never was meant to..it was all wrong. You were both already committed elsewhere.  It only felt right when you were in that pretend mode.  Relationships built on pretend don't make it when reality asserts itself.

If you continually look back and think you could have done things differently or handle things differently, then you not going to be where you need to be to move on...and chances are good that if the opportunity presents itself, you'll find yourself right back there trying to the change the outcome.

So, it's going to take a real willingness to get honest with yourself and then a lot of work on yourself to get to the 'I get it' point...the point of no return...even if HE begged.

Right now, you just need to get through the grieving process and take good care of yourself.  Eat healthy foods, drink plenty of fluids to replace all the tears shed, pamper yourself...now I KNOW you can do that :), get plenty of rest and keep reaching out for support.  Do you have any close friend you can confide in?  Once you've regained your footing, you can start addressing all your whys.  I think I suggested setting yourself up with counseling.  If I didn't, then I strongly suggest now you do so. A good therapist will help you get to your core issues in the way that only a professional can.  

I hope you reread through this thread because you got some good advice the first time around too.  I hope, too, that you are committed to staying ended this time.  You can do this, Gabrielle.  Many women and men have gone before you on this Board. We were all once where you are now and have gone on to live the honest life....with intregity and became a better person for it.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2013
Wed, 11-20-2013 - 6:53am

Hello again - well Im ashamed to say that I begged my way back. It limped along and he made endearing promises about how he could never put himself through all that again and he'd never end it again.... and he has. This argument was more intense, plus longer. I pushed him to keep talking through it (as we used to), he kept saying 'stop pushing or there will be consequences again'. I kept pushing, he ended it. He drove off bellowing at me that I just couldnt help myself... had to keep pushing and demanding and wanting.

I have to let this go. I debased myself again with the begging and pleading! God help me!

I feel devestated. I'll miss him every minute- we had so much contact every day- a HUGE part of my life and friendship support. Did I cause this? How do I get past that?????

I am sorry for leaving the board and went back. Please help me now.

G

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Mon, 10-07-2013 - 1:14pm

Hi,

I am so sorry you are going through it and it's hard.  Take a deep breath.  Try not to overthink.  Take care of you.  Try to do something that makes you happy, as to not trigger the depression.  I, too, suffer from depression, plus anxiety and ocd.  It may sound odd, but try not to dwell.  It just happened, but do your best to keep busy and find other happy thoughts when you think of him.  I am going through it also, since it has been only about a month.  I am here if you need to talk.

Hang in there.  It isn't easy.  NC if you can.  Don't contact him anymore.  Keep your dignity in tact.  There isn't much more you can say on the issue.  He made up his mind to end it, and, unfortunately, you need to respect that and back away.  I am so sorry!

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 10-05-2013 - 11:30am

Now is the time for you to take care of YOU!  You're married......but obviously there's a problem at home, or you wouldn't have been in an outside relationship for 3 years.  It seems like it was very much an emotional relationship, as well as physical, and that's the part that's hard to end.  What about your own marriage?  Does your husband know about the affair?  If not, then keep it to yourself, no need tor both of you to be in pain.  Is there any chance of fixing the problems at home?  Marriage counseling?  It's unfortunate but true.......until a man is divorced, he's married.  And more often than not, he's going to try to "work things out" eventually.  I've always said that a man that is truly unhappy at home will get a divorce before he get's involved w/someone else.  Those who have affairs, 95% of them will never get divorced, and those that do usually end the affair too, because now they're a free man, and they can have all the women they want!  Why settle for one? 

As I said, now is the time for you to take care of yourself.  Work on the relationships that you had before the affair.  I bet you had g/f's that you confided in.  Work on your marriage.  Think about the good parts of the affair (and there are always SOME good things) and understand that it was just a temporary thing in your life.....and now it's back to what it was before he came into it.  Life goes on, it always does.......and it's your choice........enjoy every day, or feel sorry for yourself and be unhappy.  This too shall pass.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 10-05-2013 - 9:44am

Morning Gabrielle

I know when we get blindsided, we tend to have thousands of questions running around maybe about how we could have prevented the ending.  But unless two affair partners start divorce proceedings within a certain amount of time in order to begin a relationship together, there is an expiration date.  

Right now, it does you no good to try to figure out his end of things. He decided it's over; and usually when men decide it is over, no amount of begging or I love you is going to change his mind. And it doesn't really matter how you both behaved while in the affair as far as thinking your relationship was a realty, it was all pretend.  But it doesn't make your pain any less now, I know.

And who knows about all the fighting, and I don't need or want to know...half the time fights are picked with the betrayed spouse to justify an affair...or fights are picked to start the end process with an affair partner.

I'm going to suggest to set yourself up to sit with a therapist to help support and guide you through this endind/grieving process.  It's time to get to the bottom on your 'whys'...the biggy of course...and the one we all had to confront is "why would I involve myself with a married man?

You mention your family.  Are you married?  If you are, that would be another issue to be addressed, "Why could I not stay true to my vows, my family, myself...what was the void I was trying to fill."  A good therapist will help you get to the bottom of these questions.

Let me know how you are doing.  As I mentioned, I have company...but I will try to pop in when I can.  This once-hopping Board had a slow death when ivillage did a major overhaul...and no one comes here any more.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2013
Sat, 10-05-2013 - 12:28am

Hi again

Thank you so much for responding - I was beginning to worry:(

Well yes my head is spinning,I feel sick to my gut, I am sitting on the lounge comatose and depressed- feeling like Im ignoring my family!  He says he is sorry but we were fighting a lot the last few weeks- I should have seen that coming - he has been saying for a while that we are 'fighting every week'. Thats going to be a big thing for me - feeling like I caused this or could have changed my behavoiur to stop this from hapening! I might talk more about the fights later if thats ok so you can tell me if my reactions were out of line.

He has texted a few times saying that this is for the best, he's lost but thinks this is the only way. I am further debasing myself by begging, pleading, negotiating. Deep down I know a clean break is best, and that this will be best - but F$%H a duck- this is gut wrenching. Ive never felt do desolate.

I suffer from depression and worry that this will cause a setback!!!!

To help you understand- we met 31 mths ago on a dating site. He was separated, Im married (unhappily but its getting better). He and wife lived together but everyone knows they are separated and live in different sections of house. So for 31 mthsm we see each other every day! Never miss a day! Its been our hallmark! We have coffee, chat, quick hug, maybe a cuddle or sex, one evening a week we spend time together - a few hours. We have had 9 weekends away. We say I love you many times a day, that we are soulmates, best friends, lovers. We even say we are married as we went to my fave church one trip and he asked me to be with him forever in the church! WE say that we are married!!!!

His wife moved out 6 weeks ago with their daughter. Our arguments have increased since then. I feel disconnected from helping him, Ive offered to cook some meals, go to solicitor with him, asked to meet his brother (who he drives trucks with all day). Nothing. His family apparently know of me but Ive never met any of them.

This latest argument started becaise I wanted to meet family and now he says (after months of saying yes he'd organise it) that its too awkard- they'll think he moved too fast. This doesnt make sense to me as I thought they knew he and wofe were separated 2 yrs and that I was seeing him- but now they'll think its too soon???? wtf? A lie??

He said his name was Joohn Smith when we met. 2 years into it I find out his name was John Brown. He explained that he said Smith initially as we met on site, but then didnt know how to say Brown after we fell in love. Lie!

I wanted to help him at lawyer with divorce. He said I could come but then started making sounds he would go alone.  This hurt me a lot - and another argument.

I feel he has been slipping away since his wife found out about us in Feb and we have fought a lot since then. I dont want to feel like I caused this by being demanding and needy - did I???

Im exhasuted and shattered

G

 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 10-04-2013 - 10:03pm

Oh my.  I didn't see your second post.

Okay, he ended it.  I know that hurts...big time.  Yes, that all the lies, b/s and walking on eggshells is over IS the best thing to focus on right now.  And that's what affairs are pretty much all about...lies and b/s said to keep the fun on the side going.  

Right now your head is spinning, but I promise with time and distance and a lot of introspection into yourself things will begin to get better.

Post in and let me know how you are doing.  

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 10-04-2013 - 9:56pm

Hi Gabrielle

Welcome to EAS.  Sorry it took so long to get a response.  I have company and just happened to pass through as I had a moment to jump on the computer.

It's hard to see an affair partner appear to be moving towards freedom, but starting to drag his feet in regards to bringing you into his fold.  Maybe it is too soon.  He's not official divorced yet and being separated is only the first step...and married couples can go back and forth in this mode for while when the enormity of all it all comes crashing down.

If you really want to end your affair and make it stick, it is best to make a formal ending so everyone is on the same page.  Something short and sweet.  "I'm through waiting, try back when your divorce papers are signed, sealed and delivered and then I'll see if I'm still interested...if I am even still available.  Then prepare to grieve your loss, and use the time to determine if you really want this man, remember how he has lied and betrayed his wife...are these the qualities you are looking for in a long-term relationship?  I'm not say he is a bad person, but his behavior speaks volumes about his lack of coping skills and inability to address problems head on that arise in all relationships.  I know most of the enders ultimately realize that they would not have been happy with their affair partners.  There's lots to think about.

You didn't mention if you are married or single. 

You posted in 19 hours ago...where do things stand at present?  Are you holding firm to your conviction that you want to end this, or are you back in negotiations?

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2013
Fri, 10-04-2013 - 9:26am

Well he beat me to it- ended it! 31 mths of my life, daily coffees or hugs or more. Several daily texrs and calls. Weekends away, evenings cuddling. All over. The lies and BS and walking on eggshells are also over. Im focussing on that

Please please help!