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|Tue, 04-17-2012 - 1:16am|
I've been reading the boards for a few weeks, but this is my first post. Normally just reading other posts inspires me to keep fighting the good fight, but for some reason tonight has been really rough and I need to get it off my chest.
My A lasted a little over 3 years off and on. The first time lasted 10 months then we got caught. His wife found out and told my husband (they didn't know each other at all so she had to search him out). We went NC that day. Didn't speak another word to each other and that was SO hard. Here I was, my marriage was falling apart and I was worried about him and if he was alright, but I got over it. I knew there was no way I could contact him if I wanted my family to stay together so I put all of my energy into my marriage and my child. Flash forward 7 months, out of the blue I get an e-mail "Hey, how are you?" and of course I jumped. Oh man how I wish I wouldn't have. The affair started back up that day full blast as if it had never ended except we were way more careful. We live about an hour away and we have no connections with each other so it was really easy to get away with. We carried on like this for about 6 more months then we start fighting all of the time. He gets jealous of everything I do, my guy friends and even my husband. He can't take it anymore and calls it off. I fish a couple of times and get no response so once again I move on. Then as soon as I am start feeling better (about 4-5 months) here comes another e-mail saying "I'm sorry I didn't respond to your e-mail. I miss you. I could never forget you. We should have lunch. Yadda yadda." We have lunch, but this time we try to just be friends. That didn't work (does it ever?). It only lasted for about 3 months before he started getting frustrated again. Once again he up and goes NC and I move on. Two months later he is back with his apologies and we've been back in the A for 8 months until 3 weeks ago when I ended it. I finally got the nerve to do what I should have done a long time ago. I said some really harsh things to him. Things to make sure he never contacts me again. He sent me a "goodbye" e-mail. It was sweet and I immediately deleted it. I can't have that hanging around. This time I want it to be for good. I want to be strong enough that if he DOES contact me again I can say no.
I really do love my husband. He travels a lot for business which is why I think I got in the A in the first place, but that is no excuse. He is great man and a wonderful father. He works so hard to provide for us so I can stay at home with our child and this is how I repay him. I just want it to be over and done with, but sometimes it is so hard. I don't think I was "in love" with my xAP. It was more of an addiction. Most of the time I am able to see it for what it was, but sometimes like right now when I can't sleep and he is the only thing I can seem to think about I just want to cave in and contact him. I know I can't. It has to be over for good this time. I'm really struggling right now. It was always easy when he ended it b/c I had no choice, but this was my decision. That is so weak. I have to take control of this situation.
Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this.