Newbie here

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2012
Newbie here
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 1:16am

I've been reading the boards for a few weeks, but this is my first post. Normally just reading other posts inspires me to keep fighting the good fight, but for some reason tonight has been really rough and I need to get it off my chest.

My A lasted a little over 3 years off and on. The first time lasted 10 months then we got caught. His wife found out and told my husband (they didn't know each other at all so she had to search him out). We went NC that day. Didn't speak another word to each other and that was SO hard. Here I was, my marriage was falling apart and I was worried about him and if he was alright, but I got over it. I knew there was no way I could contact him if I wanted my family to stay together so I put all of my energy into my marriage and my child. Flash forward 7 months, out of the blue I get an e-mail "Hey, how are you?" and of course I jumped. Oh man how I wish I wouldn't have. The affair started back up that day full blast as if it had never ended except we were way more careful. We live about an hour away and we have no connections with each other so it was really easy to get away with. We carried on like this for about 6 more months then we start fighting all of the time. He gets jealous of everything I do, my guy friends and even my husband. He can't take it anymore and calls it off. I fish a couple of times and get no response so once again I move on. Then as soon as I am start feeling better (about 4-5 months) here comes another e-mail saying "I'm sorry I didn't respond to your e-mail. I miss you. I could never forget you. We should have lunch. Yadda yadda." We have lunch, but this time we try to just be friends. That didn't work (does it ever?). It only lasted for about 3 months before he started getting frustrated again. Once again he up and goes NC and I move on. Two months later he is back with his apologies and we've been back in the A for 8 months until 3 weeks ago when I ended it. I finally got the nerve to do what I should have done a long time ago. I said some really harsh things to him. Things to make sure he never contacts me again. He sent me a "goodbye" e-mail. It was sweet and I immediately deleted it. I can't have that hanging around. This time I want it to be for good. I want to be strong enough that if he DOES contact me again I can say no.

I really do love my husband. He travels a lot for business which is why I think I got in the A in the first place, but that is no excuse. He is great man and a wonderful father. He works so hard to provide for us so I can stay at home with our child and this is how I repay him. I just want it to be over and done with, but sometimes it is so hard. I don't think I was "in love" with my xAP. It was more of an addiction. Most of the time I am able to see it for what it was, but sometimes like right now when I can't sleep and he is the only thing I can seem to think about I just want to cave in and contact him. I know I can't. It has to be over for good this time. I'm really struggling right now. It was always easy when he ended it b/c I had no choice, but this was my decision. That is so weak. I have to take control of this situation.

Thanks in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 2:46am
Tennis, big ((hugs)) and welcome to our safe and caring community. What a rollercoaster ride you've been on! Your emotions must have been through the wringer over the last three years andc I'm so glad you found us.

The bad news is that ending hurts and it takes time and hard work. The good news is that you can do it and that a life of guilt-free freedom and happiness is waiting for you.

I ended a six year on-off A last January. I can't count how many failed endings I had before that with months of NC before falling back in the A-hole. But the last time was different because I had discovered EAS and wasn't doing it on my own anymore. I had the arms of 100 women carrying me through the hard parts and the collective wisdom of 100 women guiding me whenever the addiction was messing with my head.

You can do it too honey. Spend as much time as you can in the healing library, post every day, read as much as you can about A's, and block block block.

With much care

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 7:33am

I'll join in the welcome.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 7:36am
Your xAP sounds a lot like mine. We didn't fight, he'd go hide when he couldn't take it any more. The sweet apologies sound very familiar though.

I am glad you are here now.Tennisgirl, you don't have to do this alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 8:20am
Welcome to the board, tennis. :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 8:45am
Good Morning Tennis and welcome. I think you will begin to feel better now that you are here and I hope you post more. Kat is right about NC being hard and painful. I often look at my A as a bad accident and NC is when you are slowly picking the glass shards out and staying away from the scene of the.accident. The good news is that if you stay NC, you will have no new injuries and the existing wounds will heal. The only way to stay NC and gain closure is through action not words. This is why it is a waste of time to have any future discussions about how it was wrong, you're both sorry, you wish each other well, etc. Actions will prove this. You sound very together and you have what it takes to do this. Reach out because we are here. With Love, GH
Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 9:45am
Hello Tennis,
and a warm welcome to EAS! :) you will find an amazing amount of info to assist you in your healing here - have you had a chance to read in the Healing Library yet? All of us in this community have been right where you are now, some are still very new to ending and some are much further out. The good news is that YOU are on your journey out!! :) A journey to a new, healthier you! Please post here with vents, joys and whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us. We are here for YOU. :)

Hearts <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 10:36am

What has helped me the most on this journey was understanding my triggers and motives for the continual emotional attachment/dependence to xap. Realizing that it was my thoughts I conjured up of xap and him being the only person who could make me "feel" better was very distorted.

The persistent feedings of these delusional thoughts kept my mind/heart in a perpetual state of hostage and emotional attachment to him.

Identifying the emotion/feeling and internal lack in my life was crucial for beginning to change the diet of what I fed my brain.

I would ask my self many...many questions. What was I feeling at that moment? Why was I feeling that? I began to notice how I kept misleading my thought process to believing how xap was the solution to my void. This would thus lead me to believe that I really needed him.

Another key indicator for me was the realization and understanding when I started to "blame" something or someone else for my pain, lack or _______ unto my husband, parents or whom or whatever, I knew instantly I needed to get on my big girl pants and figure out what I needed and take care of it and not "run" to thoughts of xap for comfort or to break NC.

So now when my mind wonders to xap I stop those thoughts dead in their tracks. I do a quick 10 second scan of what I need at that moment and replace xap with positive productive thoughts.

Lingering "foggy-romantic" thoughts at anytime will only cause more hurt and pain. NC=No New hurts.....even in your mind :)

What we feed our minds is exactly what it will give us back.

You are going to get through this. You are not alone.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2012
Tue, 04-17-2012 - 1:32pm

Thank you all for the warm welcome. It is so nice to finally be able to talk about it. Just knowing that I'm not alone helps tremendously. Maybe if I would have found EAS after our D-Day I would have been strong enough to walk away from his fishing, but I'm here now. I want you all to know how much it means to me that you took time out of your day to respond to my post. Thank you all again for such a warm welcome. :smileyhappy:

@katniss - "a life of guilt-free freedom and happiness is waiting for you." That is exactly what I want! It gives me hope knowing that other people have had several failed endings, but in the end did break free.

@ratherbeme - Thank you for the compliment. I sound like I have it together? I thought I sounded like a blubbering mess.