Newbie here! Looking for a fresh new start.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2013
Newbie here! Looking for a fresh new start.
4
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 11:26am

Just ended my 2+ year affair a few days ago.  Don’t know why I even had an affair in the first place, I have a great husband, he is a great provider, thinks the world of me, and a great father. We actually have a wonderful marriage.  Been married 20+ years.  A bit of a routine, but what do you expect after 20+ years of marriage.

So, two years ago, met a man that said all the right things. I guess I loved the attention – got sucked in.  Initially I kept pushing him away, but he kept chasing.  It was fun to witness that, the chasing part, it was so flattering to know someone really wanted you that badly.  I thought I had it under control, but he won. He got me. He got me good. Next thing you know, my emotions got out of whack. We were telling each other that we love each other, and we were meant to be together, etc etc. His emails were beautiful. I was addicted. I wanted more. Craved it. Couldn’t get him off my mind. Thought of him every waking minute.  I lost control, complete control of my emotions and dignity.

 About 6 months into the affair, we both admitted that what we were doing was wrong, and let’s try and end it. I was a mess. Couldn’t stop crying, I then became needy and desperate and it was ugly. He even cried. Well, it didn’t last long. We got back together within days. A couple of months after our first attempt to break things off, he went off on a vacation with just his wife. It was awful, my heart was aching. Felt like a knife went right through it and just stayed there.  Then he posted pictures of that vacation on FB. Well, great! Thank you for that, now that knife in my heart was being twisted.  It was that moment, when looking at his photos, that my heart was dying a slow death, but my mind was saying, “this is ridiculous and you need to get back in control”. So, I started doing some research on affairs in general. I noticed that every site and every blog it stated that all affairs come to an end eventually. They never last.  I ignored it. Didn’t really want it to stop, because, the moments that I was with him; I felt alive, wonderful, happy, pure ecstasy, and beautiful. But, as soon as he left; I felt empty, frustrated, angry, resentful, irritated and jealous that someone else gets to have him and I don’t.  

So after a full year of this torment, I always knew what I had to do. Break it off. Just couldn’t do it, not yet. It was still kind of fun to a degree, (kept telling myself this). So, there I sat – all pathetic and desperate like, and pretending that I wasn’t;  waiting for his emails, texts, phone calls or stealing some precious time to be with him. Why would one subject themselves to this, time and time again? The negative emotions always outweighed the positive emotions. Negative always won. It was taking its toll on my mind, body and spirit.  “Just end it now, be done with it”. Could. Not.Do. It.

However, I did continue to research. Not sure what I was looking for, but I kept at it, continuing this research on affairs. I found your site a year ago. I read every posting in EAS, healing library, All sides of an affair, etc etc.. read them all. Learning. Researching. But I continued to stay in my affair. I was pretending my affair is different than the rest. Ours was special. Ours had meaning.  Maybe I could end the affair, but remain friends. So, I researched that too. Couldn’t find one damn posting about how that worked out. Damn! That was depressing to find that tidbit out. Not to remain friends after all that we shared. That was a blow. But, again, I Could.Not.End.It.    Not yet! I kept telling myself that the good moments outweighed the bad  moments. I was just fooling myself. That wasn’t the case at all.  When I think about it, it is so awful, waiting. Waiting for that email. Phone call. Text. Anything. Anything!

So, I finally ended it, after 2+ years and I have no one to thank, but you! All of you, and whoever created this site. Thank you for continuing to post and share your experiences.  I’m even going to go “no contact” because after researching that as well, there is no other way for it to work. No other way for me to fully recover from this heartache except to go no contact. (Believe me, I researched this whole no contact thing to death… and this whole “no contact” idea was a hard pill to swallow”), but I know now, there is no other way. yes, I know, I'm a slow learner. But I had to come to terms with all of this - breaking it off - on my own terms.

 I’m actually okay these past couple of days. No crying. Yet anyways. Maybe because of all the research I've been doing the past year and a half. Who knows how I will be next week, or the week after that, but right now, I feel great.  Thank you again – all of you – for sharing your stories with me. You were helping me, without you even know you were helping me. I am so grateful to you all! You were slowly preparing me for what I knew, all along, what I had to do.

Now what? Is he going to now start "fishing" eventually?

 

 

  

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 7:17pm

Welcome to EAS, Hadenough

I like that name too, and it's really nice not to have to hit on a newbie to change their name right off the bat Smile

If you've been reading here, there and everywhere, which is great by the way, you know 'now what'.  Now that NC is in place, this is the time now for reflection...and not the type of reflection that has you wondering if he will eventually fish Wink.  Hopefully, you will use this time to place your focus and energy on where it belongs...on you.  Having an affair and having trouble ending it even when we know it is bad for us, is all about us and our weaknesses.  Sitting with a therapist is a great idea.  From what I've seen on the Board is that people who did so, were able to let go and move on with much less difficulty because they were addressing their issues with the support and guidance of a professional...so, something to really consider.

And hanging out here for support..you know how it works...participate, and read...a lot.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 5:20pm

Welcome Hadenough.

Your name says it all. If you have had enough, then it is the end.  If you haven't then it is just a rest break. Sounds as though you are ready to be done. I hope you are right.

Realizing your own weaknesses is good.  You have a strength in doing your homework ahead of time. You have digested a lot of good information if you have been reading here.  CAUTION.  There is a big difference between reading about it, and doing it. 

You asked if he will come fishing. Chances are, he will. Sooner or later, most do. That is why it is important to block. Block and walk. Then it doesn't matter to you if he does, or he doesn't. You can't hurt each other any more than you already have. Now is the time to start protecting yourself. Actually, protecting yourself from yourself. We are our own worst enemies.

Nothing good can come from any more contact.  If it should happen, then be prepared. Be prepared to say you are done. No hookey-boo anythings. Done. Let there be no confusion. 

It is a lot eaier on everyone if that happens. Contact only drags it all on.

There are a lot of wise people who have either done it, or are doing it. Come here often, and become involved. It shows in people that do, are more successful in ending their A's.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2013
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 4:32pm
Congratulations with your decision. Your post sounded so much like my own life. Be strong, I need to do that too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Thu, 01-17-2013 - 1:15pm

Congrats Hadenough, you are here! Thanks for sharing your story and I just had to send a quick reply from work. I also researched the heck out of affairs before ending (I'm a scientist) - I was so sure that something was different, or that I could DO something differently, but in the end, that was not the case. Once ended though, the thoroughness of my preparation left me with some peace and  feeling of strength. I was/am not immune to triggers by any means, and had some hard days after going NC after a 12 yr A. But overall it was reading all of the information and stories provided by others that helped me to do it in a way that suited my style.

As for him fishing, first of all, let's not worry about what he is going to do - that is for him to sort out. Think of him as being another possible voice on any of the boards, and know that he will be trying ways to find his own peace. Take your investigative nature and think of positive things that you want to replace xAP with, and get things lined up. When the urges come up to contact him or when you miss him, have a plan - and of course, continue to read and post! 

Hugs, Daisy