newbie here - sorry for very long post

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
newbie here - sorry for very long post
Sun, 04-20-2003 - 7:27am
Hi to everybody!

I'm a newbie here. I actually didn't know where to post until I found this board. I thought I'll introduce myself, tell you a bit about me and my story, and hope to have some support and/or feedback/comments/advice.

My name is Alice and I'm 23 years old. My story is a bit long and very odd as you'll see. When I went to college, I met a girl (I'll call her G) with whom I got along extremely well. Very well. She fell in love with me, and one thing led to another. We ended up being a 'couple' without *none* of our relatives and friends knowing about it, because we were afraid it will upset them. We stayed together for a couple of years. I love her dearly, although I've never felt anything similar with another girl. We care a lot about each other. Then a couple years ago, the "passion" between us faded away, but she was and is still in love with me. Last year, I went on a trip across the country without G and met a guy (I'll call him J) with whom I fell in love. Somehow, I didn't tell him about G. We stayed in touch mostly by emails and IM, since I had to go back home, but our feelings got stronger. G had to move to another state because of her job, J came to visit me as a friend, but we really hit it off and we've been since then a couple. I'm actually planning to go join him in his town, move in with him, and live together. We're planning in getting married too, someday. He hasn't proposed yet; we want to take things slowly, but we thought we will consider marriage in a few years.

I just told G about my feelings for J, and she took it "well". Of course, I've hurt her and I feel terrible for lying to both sides, but I finally had the courage to end my relationship with her. She's accepted it. I actually don't feel anything particular for her anymore, except affection. I care about her, like I'd care about a sister or a best friend. But I'm not in love with her anymore. However, I love my guy J...

J still doesn't know I was involved with G at the times we met and started to go out. I know him well; I know his opinion about same-sex couples. Honesty is also extremely important to him too. I know that if I've told him before, he wouldn't consider going out with me. And if I tell him now, he'll never ever going to forgive me and will not even consider to work on our relationship. It'll be the end, period.

I've thought a lot about this. I've decided to keep this as a secret. I think I can live with it. It'll be something that will remain between G and I. It doesn't bother me much, but I've promised myself that I'll never going to lie again like I did. I learnt my lesson. And I want to make J happy.

I've also spoken to G and she understood my position. Nobody knows about "us" so there will be no way J will find out. G also agreed I should never tell J. In fact, I was asking her opinion and she believes it'd better to leave this in the past and to never mention about it to J if I wanted to save my relationship with him. Some truth do more harm than good. I know he'll never going to work things out even if I tell him now. He loves me very much and will be hurt but he'd rather back up with his pain, than going forward and try to make it work. Besides, if I tell him now, things will be so different. I'd lose his trust, I'd never going to be able to see G anymore as a friend, or I'll just lose my chance to be with J.

I think I'm ok about keeping the secret. I actually don't want him to know. I just promised myself than from now on I'll never lied again to J and that "if" I was interested by another person, I'd rather tell him right away. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense... I think I'm even repeating myself, sorry. I guess I just wanted to have some support, hopefully someone out there who would understand me a bit. Thanks


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-20-2003 - 9:04am
Hi, I just wanted to say that everyone has a past when you meet them, which includes past lovers and it's usually not best to talk about anyway, regardless of the nature of the relationship. I think you're doing the right thing. Good luck ;)