Newbie Here...In Desperate Need Of Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Newbie Here...In Desperate Need Of Help
11
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 7:41pm
Hi All,

I've been lurking around this Board for 3 days now, reading all of these heart-breaking stories. Lots of good advice offered too. I guess my story is basically the same in some respects. I will make it brief:

I just broke off with XMM last week, after a 1-1/2 year on again-off again A. I am also M. I thought that I would be OK. Right now, I am in such a "down", I can't seem to think straight. I told XMM that I was involved with someone else, and chose this other DM over him. I'm not, but thought that this would be the only way to get rid of him. I've tried several times, but he kept wearing me down. I thought that this might work. He was hurt, but accepted it. Nothing else he can do.

OK..why then, do I keep waiting for the phone to ring and keep checking my e-mails...constantly. I am obsessed with this now. It's gotten so bad, that I am taking it out on my H. I've become nasty, basically intolerable. It's like I've flipped out or something. I don't feel like leaving the house. I can't think straight. I'm a mess. Oh God...why did I allow myself to get caught up in this A. I have low self-esteem, and XMM knew just the right buttons to push. I just feel like a total jerk believing him. I am so angry at myself, yet I want to hear from him, just to know that he is either still thinking of me and/or still hurting.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Katy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 8:28pm
HI Katy

You feel like crap because you are suffering from the symptoms of withdrawl from emotional addiction, it is no different from any other addiction and can be broken if you hang in there and do not quit, you need to maintain total NO CONTACT with XMM, it will get better in time, but like any drug addiction you need to stay way from the drug after you are free of it or risk backsliding into the addiction.

When you feel like calling Xmm post here, read lots keep busy and you may find good hard work outs can help to.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Wed, 06-23-2004 - 10:40pm
Katy....Your whole posting was me totally.Just about word for word. But please hang in there, and don't give up on yourself. I try and remind myself of how good I felt about myself and how happy I was before I met HIM. I am working towards those feelings again. And I am working on ME. I have been exercising alot, spending time with my husband and my friends, and have set a new goal in my life. I plan to run my 1st 5K run in the spring... Yes I can do it, and Yes I will get past this affair. And YOU can make YOU happy again.

Hang in there!

TCOM





Tcom

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 11:49am
I understand exactly what you are going through. Word for word. I too ended my EA of 1 1/2 years about 2 weeks ago. Just because we were the ones to end it, doesn't make it any easier. In many ways it makes it worse. I too hurt my xMM terribly when I ended it, and I too used a lie to end it. In the past, when I tried honesty to end our relationship, he just wouldn't buy it, and we could never truly end it. This time I used a lie that was fatal to ending our relationship. I feel just like I shot and killed my best friend. I cried so hard--I thought I would die myself. Since our relationship was based on lies and betrayal--why not use that foundation to benefit me--so I did. I knew what I was doing, and I was ready to end it. I too fell into a depression the first week, and would have done just about done anything to just hear his voice again, but I'm holding on. The pain is unbearable at times, but I know I must end this, and I will. I will hang on until things get better, and I know you can too--let's hold on together, ~ifm
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 12:06pm
((((I plan to run my 1st 5K run in the spring... Yes I can do it))))

YOU GO GIRL! THUMBS UP!!!

ID

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 12:31pm
Hi ifm,

Wow...are stories are so identical! I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling. It's such a struggle...just getting through each day. I am no better off today than I was yesterday. It just hurts so darn much. I did have to run some errands this morning, but it took all I had just to get dressed and get out. I don't feel like doing anything. I just wait for the phone to ring...praying it's him. I'm still checking my e-mail...constantly. Nothing. When we were "together", he would write all the time, and call quite often. Many

times I just ignored his calls and e-mails...it was like at times I felt disgusted by him. I'm beginning to wonder: Could it be that I want now what I can't have. He's not chasing me anymore. I was so used to that. It's a thought anyway. His final e-mail to me was beautiful. I'd like to post it here to get opinions, but I'm afraid that maybe...just maybe...he may surf right onto

to this board and would know it's me.

I can so relate to every word that you said. I know that many wonder if XMM constantly thinks of us, misses us, and obsesses about us. Knowing that, would surely bring me comfort.

Yes, for sure, let's hold on together! :)

Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 1:06pm
>>>>>>it was like at times I felt disgusted by him. I'm beginning to wonder: Could it be that I want now what I can't have. He's not chasing me anymore. I was so used to that. It's a thought anyway.<<<<<<<

Wow--bull's-eye! Gosh--again something I could have written myself. Thanks for your honesty here. I too have realized how very spoiled I was by my xMM--he too called and wrote often, and I took that for granted. Ugh--I hate to admit this--but I see now that his obsession of me was the actual "turn on," but at times, I too, resented it. Obsession is not love, and this is what bothered me most--though I hate to admit--I miss it--his obsession of me was the "drug" in our relationship--and the emotional withdrawal is the pits. Your welcome to email me via IV--I know there are many things I don't dare share on this board for fear of someone guessing my identity or his--so I'm careful of sharing too many personal things, but it's hard not to want to. Today I'm still a bit blue, yesterday was better for me, but I know I'll have more good days and bad. Let's find our strength to "let go" together--I'm still holding on--I know in time I will be myself again--and I can finally let go and fly on my own--that is what helps to make me stronger--I miss the person I was before all of this crazyness. Thanks for listening, ~ifm

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 8:10am
Hi ifm,

Just wanted to let you know that I tried e-mailing you through IV last night, but my e-mail was returned stating "Access Denied".

XMM e-mailed last night. Wanted to give me some info. on an item I want to sell, and he was supposed to look into it for me. He proceeded to tell me that he has a "busy weekend" coming up. And also, he told me about a place that he was going to, in which we have gone together before. However, he did not ask me if I would be there, or if I wanted to go. His final line in the e-mai was: "I will look for any excuse to contact you". I haven't responded.

Hope that you are feeling better today. As for me, not any better at all. Please e-mail me through IV if you want.

Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 2:48pm

Katy, is the affair over? Is it really finished? Or, are you still trying to hang on to the scraps?


If it is truly over and you are ready to go on with your life, block his email address, delete his cell number, and get rid of the mementos and reminders. Maybe you can't do it all at

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 3:18pm
Hi Chris,

Thanks very much for responding. Your words are truly hard-hitting and powerful...especially the statements with regard to "scraps", "leftovers" and "second-fiddle". You made me think...and hard, too. No, in all honesty, I don't like being 2nd best...not at all. XMM never seems to take "no" for an answer. I don't know if it's due to the alcohol (he's an admitted "frequent drinker"...can't deal with reality) or just plain arrogance. I've tried to block his e-mail address...honestly. It's just that I have this sick need to know if he is trying to contact me. No, I shouldn't care...I realize that. I don't know what the h*ll is wrong with me. XMM sure does have me tangled up and in such an unhealthy emotional state.

Thank You, Chris. Your words, put right in front of me, have seriously started me thinking. I want to move on...it's just so hard.

Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 3:37pm

It's hard because it's an addiction that you have to break. No addiction is easy to break. It is also the end of a relationship. Treat it as if he died! He's gone, out of your life forever. Go through the stages of grieving. Go through the stages of breaking an addiction. Only then can you really move forward.


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