NEWBIE here...my story (long)
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NEWBIE here...my story (long)
| Mon, 04-05-2010 - 7:17pm |
I have been with my dh for 21 years (since I was 19…with the exception of about a year during the start of our relationship) we have been married almost 14 years. Never in a million years was infidelity a question, never would I have thought that would happen, and it was so far from my values and morals, it just was never a concern with either of us.

Dear Healing,
Welcome to our community. I am glad you have been lurking here for a while, familiarizing yourself with what this board is about, and finding the courage to tell your story. Sadly, your A is really no different than any other A. They start out with casual flirting and end up with one or both realizing that a line has been crossed that shouldn't have been. Even then, very rarely does an AP stop in their tracks and retreat, but instead keeps pushing the feel good envelope with hopes that another high can be extracted from it's contents. As long as there is anticipation that there will be more highs forthcoming, we will silently wait in the darkness for another fix. Affairs are addictive by nature because the craving is more intense than the actual fix is. Once we've had another hit off of the crack pipe, we then crash and burn only moments later, when we realize another fix may not be for days or weeks. Little emails and txt messages may tame the savage beast within, but it's very temporary and unsustaining.
The addiction is the "Why" and the attention and flattery from another man was the "How" it happened. You lapped it up, plain and simple, only women fall harder and faster than men usually do because that is just the way we are wired. It sounds like your XAP accepted that you were a M woman and didn't confine his feelings to only you. He had every intention of finding someone whom he could share a real relationship with someday, thus the engagement and the nonpublicized wedding. Perhaps he was trying to spare your feelings but I feel it's more about him not wanting to lose the feel goods he was getting from you on the side.
We will not hide the truth here so I hope you are prepared to read it. First though, be sure to read the Healing Library and search for a thread called, Wisdom and Insights. It has more than 100 posts in it and it is on the second or third page, so hit the "more" option to find it. You will definitely get a real douse of reality once you've read all the posts in that thread.
Do not worry about him contacting you and what you would do. This may never happen so why borrow trouble, and if it does, you respond with grace and dignity by wishing him well and leave it at that. He has made his choice through his actions that he wants to be faithful now, and with a baby on the way, you need to bow out of this man's life for good.
Keep reading and posting, and I hope you will someday find a way to forgive yourself for this error in judgement. By your own admission, you have a wonderful H and family so starting today, it's time to be the woman/mother your H fell in love with.
((Hugs))
~Iddy~
Welcome Healing-
You have definitely come to the right place. This is a rough journey... we are all on this journey together and will be here to support you. I know it hurts, but trust me, it will wane. I am 68 days out today, and even though I still have downs or tough weeks, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is no better healer than time. I hope you can stick around, read the healing library and be a part of this community.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Thank you ladies...
I know I have found a much needed place in this forum. I appreciate your honesty and your wise words. I have been reading the healing library and gaining so much insight. Some of those posts are straight from my mind and I am not sure if I find that enlightening or just disturbing. Regardless...they