Newbie (male) looking for support

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2013
Newbie (male) looking for support
5
Tue, 08-20-2013 - 12:37am

I've been married for 13 years, not necessarily unhappily, but over the last two years we've had some rough times. For the last four months I've been having an affair with a woman several years younger than me, and it's been a disorientating mix of excitement, guilt, shame, extreme happiness, stress etc, etc, etc. I really feel in love with her (if that's possible after 4 months) and she says the same about me. But over the past month she seemed to be struggling with the relationship. She started getting jealous of my W, then really upset at me. We started fighting, and she spontaneously burst into tears on more than one occasion. The strange thing is, I was always happy to continue the affair, even though it often made me feel terrible, but as soon as my AP started having doubts it caused me to completely reassess the situation. It forced me to ask myself why the hell I was putting myself and my AP through this if it wasn't making us both happy.

Long story short, I ended the affair last week. And it's been awful. I feel so lost and alone now. I want to be a better husband and father, but I feel so bleak about going back to my marriage the way it was before the A. And I miss my AP so much! I can't stop thinking about her. I know these feelings are mostly a fantasy about what could have been (and not what really was) but the one part of the relationship that is very real is the pain of ending it.

How do I move on? How do I stop thinking about my AP and wanting to be with her? How do I recommit to my family?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 08-20-2013 - 2:13am

 First thing is to commit to yourself.  Be very selfish.  I have been where your are.  #1 Take care of #1.  Do not try to do anything but that.  Be here for your self.  That is the first stage.  Most important keep your mouth shut. Totally shut. From everybody and erase the history on your computer.  Erase this from history (not the entire history unless that is part of your security protocal)

Goldfish

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 08-20-2013 - 12:24pm

Welcome to EAS, TargaMan

Yes, although the relationship was fantasy-based, the feelings and pain are very real. And you are right when you question the love only 4 months in.  We all pretty much know how the first lusty, chemically-induced months go and how it generally takes more than 4 months to really love someone...because that takes time.

Only time and distance out are going to help with the obsessive thinking.  Implementing no contact and closing down all avenues of contact...so she can't reach you and you can't reach her during weak moments...is the best first step.  No contact is our only one absolute guarantee that we can put an affair behind us once and for all.  Just like sobriety for an alcoholic.  What you do during your sobriety will determine how quickly you recovery.  

So, using the time wisely to figure out why you would jeopardize your marriage and the voids you were trying to fill will be helpful to your healing and recovery.  Sitting with a therapist can help draw out your issues so you can address them.  And it is all about us and our issues and our lack of solid healthy coping skills.  People who have good coping skills know that having an affair is never the answer and generally address their rough spots head-on.  

And yes, deleting any evidence that can cause a potential discovery day is a good idea.

If you have the time, and you probably do because you found the time to have an affair ;), read through what is left of our Healing Library, which kinda crashed and burned, when iVillage tried their hand at running the show, but there's still some good resources and support there.

I'm sorry this once-hopping Board is so slow, but people do pop in every now and then and will hopefully also offer up some support.

I'll keep checking in, so please keep posting in.

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2013
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 1:55am
Hi guys. Thanks for the advice - I've already begun following it. I called her last night and told her that, even though she means so much to me, it's best if we don't contact each other again. She didn't take it well. I feel so low now about what I've done and how I hurt her, but I also know that this is nothing compared to how I would feel if I destroyed my marriage and family, so I know I just have to endure it. I've also made an appointment with a therapist. I'd like to keep checking in from time to time and give you updates - I have no-one to discuss this with, so it's great to be able to hear advice from people who have been in my shoes. Oh, and if anyone reading this is considering having an affair, I have three pieces of advice for you - DON'T DO IT! DON'T DO IT! DON'T DO IT!!!!!
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 1:43pm

You're welcome, TargaMan

Please do check in whenever you want or need support or even if you are comfortable enough sharing what you've learned in IC...sometimes it can apply to others reading here as well.

I'm sure she didn't take it well.  Being let go in a relationship hurts, but she'll just have to work her ending out for herself.

I hope you blocked all avenues so now you can concentrate fully on healing.  When we don't block and leave even the teeniest of weeniest of a crack for someone to slip through we can jeopardize the progress we make if they slip through...and sometimes it holds us back from fully embracing our recovery because that crack can signify secretly hoping.

Clarity

Community Leader...EAS


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2013
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 8:34pm
Thanks Clarity. I certainly appreciate the support.