Newbie....Need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2013
Newbie....Need some advice
11
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 4:17pm

It is funny....been reading on here for a long time and the day I decide to post something it wont let me log in.  I know there have been issues with the board since the change. First and foremost,  I want to say that I am so glad that there is such a board out here for anyone that is in this situation to be able to come and seek support.  When you put yourself in this situation you dont realize how isolated it can be.  I am not sure why fear has held me back from posting before now but I will say that just being able to read other situations has been not  only comforting but a huge help in my process. 

Since I am new I will brief you on my story.  My A went on for 2 years and almost 4 months.  We are both married and both have kids.  I have been married for about 15 years and him the same. Both of us are lacking in our marriages. Several years ago I lost my father unexpectedly.  He and my mother were married for 45 years.  They were each others everything.  After his death,  life changed a lot for the family.  Being the only child that lives in the same state/town as my mother I was and still am depended on a lot.  Growing up I felt empty alot.  Never really knew why but realized there was something missing.  Fast forward......the A started almost a year after the death.  A client that I work with started communicating with me and when I confronted him about it he proceeded to tell me about his interest he had in me.  Shocked....yes,  flattered....yes.  I guess all the things that anyone might feel.  I guess I could go into the whole scenario of the past 2 years but I am not sure if there is a need.  If I am wrong please let me know.  Just so you realize where I am at,  I realize that I got into this because I had a void left by my dad passing.  He came along and did not "'need'' me like everyone else did and it felt good.  He was my escape and my fantasy.  I did what everyone else has probably done and made this relationship into something so much more.  I wanted to leave my M and thought he and I could live this happy life together.  WRONG.  If I am totally honest,  there is no way in H@LL I could live with this man.  While I always see the best in people and when I see the good and your heart I hold onto it,  and he did have those moments,  in reality he is a selfish,  controlling,  narcissist jerk.  I realize that I am looking to be validated because I did not feel that growing up.  And the loss of my dad only made that need bigger.  I have also come to realize that I am seeking this from someone that can NOT provide that to me.  I have always struggled with my self esteem but most people who know me would never say that about me.  I allowed myself to be put on a emotional rollercoaster for too long.  It has been awful.  And while I know that with everything I have read that most of the times this is not real love,  I have to say I did love him.

Here is where I am struggling,  and honestly it seems so stupid to me.  We had our times where we got frustrated and would end things but that lasted no more than a day.  Back in Sept a situation happened and I for the first time in this situation put my foot down and took control.  I had a lot of anger and that pushed me to realize I couldnt keep doing this to myself.  It was at that time I realized I had lost myself,  allowed my self esteem to take a huge beating and felt awful.  I was going to therapy,  reading,  finally facing reality and I felt strong.  Stronger than I ever had.  I missed him but the anger and the pain of what happened kept pushing me.  Because of our work situation he did contact me about a month into it but I kept it short and sweet.  I am not sure what happened but about 3 weeks later we started talking again.  I felt okay with it,  yes I know I was in denial.  I also think I felt this way because I had control at that time.  He was saying all the right things,  willing to do things, etc. etc. etc.  I am not sure when I lost that control,  maybe sometime in November.  I felt myself weak again,  no longer strong and confident.  I had let him wear me down again. 

Come Dec 20th......it ended.  He ended it.  How and why it all went down shocked and hurt me alot.  For one it was right at Christmas and two I didnt see it coming.  Now,  with that said,  I know it is for the best.  I also know I should be thanking him for doing it because like all A it was going to end one day.  But man did it hurt!  I sucked it up and had a nice Christmas.  I know it is because I focused everything on the holiday and I guess there was a part of me that honestly thought after the holiday that he would realize what he had done and make it right.  WRONG.  As of today it has been 21 days with NC.  My anxiety level has been through the roof but it is getting better.  I have really tried to be honest with myself about why I am so hurt.  I believe it has a lot to do with feeling rejected.  I was supposed to be the strong one and decide when the end came,  not him.  My therapist reminded me that I am strong.  She said for someone to go through all that you have with this situation,  you are only standing because you are so strong.  I know I am stronger.  I am not sobbing everyday like I have or would have in the past.  I realize this takes time but I cant get past the rejection of it.  And then of course there is the work issue.  While we do not work in the same office and I do not see him everyday,  we have projects going on and he has started calling my boss about questions, etc., and while I should see this as a good thing,  and part of me does,  it just feels like rejection all over again.  I would love some advice on how you guys have handled getting past that feeling?  I know I have to work on myself and I need to make the focus on me.  I assure you I am trying.  I wish there was a switch that I could flip and realize the greatness in me.  Have the self esteem I want and be confident and just not care.  Oh to just not care would be great.  But I am a very caring person and that is just who I am.  Just need help getting past this last part.  I feel I am almost at the top of that mountain.  Just a little bit more and I can put this behind me but just not there yet.

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Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 5:05pm

 >I am not sure what happened but about 3 weeks later we started talking again.  I felt okay with it,  yes I know I was in denial. <

Hi Wideawake :)

Welcome to EAS.  I had to chuckle a little at the above statement...I get a chuckle from it...a lot here.  It's like we were in some kind of blackout.  "One minute I was here...the next minute was there in an affair or back in the affair.  I chuckle, but it's something that needs figuring out...because "I don't know what happen" can tend to repeat itself...so we NEED to know what happened so we can recognize it next time and change the outcome.

And, I hear you....there is absolutely nothing more galling than when someone else does what we wanted to do and tried to do and could not stick with it...and THEY are sticking to it!  The nerve!!

All ego...pure and simple. That's why we always advocate being the ender...the one who takes over the reigns of power...because the rejection factor just sux and is another hurdle to get over.  Sorry, you will just have to swallow the bitter little ego pill...take it with a spoonful of sugar...to help the medicine go down.  He did the both of you a huge favor...hey, that can be your spoonful of sugar...that he saved the both of you from further destruction...and that is ultimately the most important thing to keep in mind.  Over and out...all the bad behavior ends and everyone can move on...hopefully to a healthier place. 

Congratulations on your 21 days.  Try to be patient with the whole process of recovery.  It can't and shouldn't happen overnight.  There's a lot to root out, address and correct.  It is a journey...your journey...it's not a sprint...more a marathon event :)

I'm glad you came out of lurkdom.  Most people mention how it really propelled them forward.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 6:48pm

No magic. Just hard work, and time.

If you were over him in a month, it would just show how shallow you are and how little you thought of him. The deeper the feelings the longer the healing time. Just as if you had a flesh wound. Time alone will make it heal. 

You can do things to make it easier.  

You can get your mind on a different track. You can start doing things to keep you busy so that you aren't thinking about the other stuff. 

Rejection is tough, no matter which side of the breakup you are on. There are no plus sides to it at all.

In the end you will realize that time is your friend. The longer you stay out, the better. You will leave the fog, you will heal and you will see how things really were.  You will rebond with your family, your friends and your work mates.  You will be surprised at how you distanced yourself from all the others that you love.

Congratulations on three weeks, look forward to getting to the fourth.

Welcome to EAS.

Rather....

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2013
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 7:05pm

Hi wideawake,

i know just show you feel about reflection-almost the same thing happened to me.  I was in an A for 11 years- with someone I knew and worked with for 4 years before that.  I had stopped it once about 3 years ago and cover a period of about 6 months slowly got sucked back in- only to have it all explode about 2 months ago.  I don't claim to be over the rejection, and this last couple of days have been especially difficult, probably because I am physically in a place we spent time togethe(I am here for Work, but have not seen him, thankfully). I am writing because reading the first few posts really helped me put this in perspective.  Rejection is awful-and the challenge for me was not taking it personally- I know that sounds odd- but the AP I was involved with was also selfish and self-centered- and I began to think- I just didn't deserve to be treated that way.  i could regain my own control by refusing to participate in conversations of any kind. It didn't matter if he broke it off, it was still my choice not to call, write or engage further.  I am not sure if he are, but that does not really matter.  Laughing I matter.  I read a great article on another site a bout coping with rejection, and one thing really stood out.  If we can deal with rejection with dignity and grace, we will be better able to handle situation in the future better because of the lessons we've learned.  I have a really long way to go.  I am still angry and hurt, still really unsure what to do with rebuilding my life (I am not married) so that I don't do this to myself again. Acceptance is an important first step in handling rejection- even when we want something , and we know it is best, it an still be hard.  Think about yourself, what you want out of life, and that will keep you from wondering why he behaved the watt he did.  He does not define you, the relationship did not define you.  That is up to you.  

Gecko55

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2013
Thu, 01-10-2013 - 7:06pm

I meant rejection- so sorry! Good grief! 

:) gecko55

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2011
Fri, 01-11-2013 - 7:49pm
Welcome! Hi Wideawake! I am really glad you found this board and have patience to sign in and post. You are in the right place and I applaud you for remaining NC. You could have easily Cyber Stalked him....texted...phoned...or emailed him...Congratulations!!! I guess the only thing I might add at this point is that you are going to probably...maybe...get a call from him...this is what is called a Fishing-Attempt. Be prepared just in case that knuckle head gets lonely...or whatever...and calls you. What would you say? How would you feel? Prepare and Plan. You are a very strong lady and you WILL overcome the pain and hurt from this affair. Hope to see more of your posts! Best, progression
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Fri, 01-11-2013 - 10:13pm

Hi, WA1220.

To echo Clarity, indeed, "he did the both of you a huge favor...hey, that can be your spoonful of sugar...that he saved the both of you from further destruction."  There is no better truth than this.

Because he is who he is - a controlling narcissist - his ego (which belies deep insecurity, btw) *made* him beat you to the punch.  He didn't end it because he no longer saw worth in you... he ended it because to do otherwise (leaving the door open for you to do it) would be a crushing blow to his ego.  And I have every confidence he *WAS* crushed when you attempted to end it the first time.

Narcissists are extremely emotionally insecure (despite the outer charisma).

Your best course of action now, I'd say, is to "fake it 'til you make it".  Pretend you are strong - you will get there!!

In the meantime, nurture your spiritual self, working on getting *you* back and your life - perhaps a better life with more support for YOU.

Therapy is a great thing to do, especially if you have a great therapist.  Also work on meditation, yoga - anything that will build you up.  Extreme self-care.

Good luck!

-PAC

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2013
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 12:09am

Thank you all!!!  I can't tell you how much it means to me to know there are people who I can share this with and that who won't judge me. Today has not been a good day. In my earlier post I mentioned that something bad happened that caused me to end things. That something bad involved someone else. I'll explain. There is a girl that works where he does. About a year ago I just got a weird vibe. I will be honest in saying that I really did not believe that there was something going on. The something bad that happened.......oh boy. I had to go down to where he worked. He had been asking me to come down and take him to lunch ( part of my job). A week before Iwent down I had asked him to go tolunch,  he agreed.  When the day came we sat in a meeting with others and he left a little early. After it was over I sent a text and asked if we were still going to lunch in which 15 mins went by with no response. When I walked out to get in my car she was getting in his. I was heart broken. He instantly sent me a message saying that he had made other plans. This led me to not speak to him for 2 months. And there was apologizing, etc.  this girl has since been transferred out of state with the same company.  I will admit that the situation contined to cross my mind but tried my best to put it behind us. That was until mid Dec. my supervisor that works at the company mentioned to me that she was there and sitting on his desk. The agony. It took me 2 days to bring it up to him and of course he brushed it off and said he didn't understand why I would let that bother me. Um,  ok. So today my supervisor mentioned that she is back and has been all week. That's when reality hit and I am honestly sick. As if I am not allowing myself to suffer enough, now I am torturing myself. Every thought is playing in my head and they won't stop. I know I am better than is but the pain I am feeling is unbearable. How could I allow myself to love such a man. How could he do this to me. I honestly at this very moment hurt so bad it's down to my core. I gave this man so much of me. Did he really play me like a fool?  I have no intentions of speaking to him. The thought of ever seeing him again makes me sick to my stomach. What kind of sick person does this and plays with a person like this?  I just need this pain to go away. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2012
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 5:47am

Hi, WA 1220.

It's important to realize that affairs are not real, healthy relationships.  There are no rules, which means sh*t happens - alot.

This guy is a narcissist.  He has a fragile ego and a need to constantly prop that ego up.  He pursued you because his ego needed it.  He let you go because his ego needed it.  He is pursuing another woman because his ego needs it.  It's a sick dance and would have never, ever gotten better for you.

He is not worth it - at all. He's an insecure a**hole who will go to his grave being so.

Most all of us came here because we have been in your shoes.  These are the darkest days, but with each second, each minute, each hour, each week - you *WILL* get stronger and better. Healing naturally takes time. If you have no one to trust and confide in, come here and post often. You must shed the victim mindset and work on yourself. Look at this as an opportunity to baby yourself and take extreme self-care measures. Each morning, pray or mediate. Go to the gym. Take long baths. Do not allow this to consume your thoughts, lest you descend into a dark well that only gets deeper and darker the more time you allow it. He was/is a jerk. Be glad he's out of your personal life. Try to avoid him as much as possible. Above all, learn from this experience. Affairs are never a healthy way to escape our real problems in life. If your marriage is in trouble, work on it to make it better for you. If people in your life are too needy, empower them to help themselves. You mustn't play the victim, or your life will remain where it is.... As RatherBeMe said, this is hard work. No getting around it. ((HUGS)) PAC

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2013
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 10:46am

Pac……Your words are very comforting to me.  I thought about what you said about the playing the role as the victim.  Maybe there is a part of me that is still hanging on to that.  What I do know is this……I have no desire to speak to him,  see him,  be with him in any way shape or form,  nor do I care anymore about being his friend.  That is a HUGE step for me.  We always said no matter what that we would be friends and I was determined that would happen.  Not anymore.  Where I struggle is being upset with myself.  I keep thinking to myself……why did I allow myself to fall back into this and believe it would be better.  I know we all go through that but it is so hard because just those few short months ago I WAS STRONG AND DETERMINED.  Not only that but I saw everything so clearly.  I was doing things for myself,  venturing out of my shell,  reading healing books,  engaging emotionally with my husband and seeing all that I have to be thankful for,  engaging in my job which I have let slide,  wasn’t doubting myself,  etc. etc. etc.   Now……I just don’t have the energy to pull myself up.  I feel beaten.   I actually worse than I have felt in a long time.  Why is that?  Why am I back here again?  How did I get so far back when I was so far ahead? 

 

I know this journey is about me……it has to be.  I just feel lost with no direction.  I physically have no energy or desire. 

 

This has been a rough week.  A lot of it has to do with hearing too much about him and things that are going on.  I assure you this was not by choice.  Problem is I am unable to tell my supervisor that she cannot discuss him with me.  I have thought about getting a new job but why should I let him run me out of this one.  Normally I don’t have to deal with him much unless I choose.  But due to an audit and projects I fear that for the next few weeks that this will become my reality.  Maybe facing it will make me stronger.  I don’t know.  I am in no way,  shape,  form ready to see him and I pray that I can get around actually having to have contact with him.  I actually feel that I despise him right now.  The thought of him makes me physically sick.

 

I am so tired of hurting.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 01-12-2013 - 12:39pm

I'm glad you are sitting with a therapist to help sort this all out.  I suppose your big question to bring to the table is 'why would I sabotage myself?"  

I see it a lot.  People feeling good, regaining their footing...and whammo, they undermine themselves and all their efforts.  It's almost like they are addicted to feeling miserable or maybe haven't quite forgiven themselves and so don't think they deserve to feel good...or maybe just didn't learn their lessons(s) that that need to be sought out and learned.

I think once we get ourselves to a healthier place and begin to regain our self-love and self-worth, we don't want to go there anymore because we no longer feel the need to hurt ourselves because we no longer see ourselves in a bad light.  I dunno, just rambling and typing outloud.  

Keep up with those therapy appointments.  We are like onions as we peal away layer after layer...with some pretty good sob fests along the way as we reopen old wounds, cleanse them out so we can heal properly.  Eventually, we get back to the sweet core of our authentic selves.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

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