Newbie....Need some advice
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|Thu, 01-10-2013 - 4:17pm|
It is funny....been reading on here for a long time and the day I decide to post something it wont let me log in. I know there have been issues with the board since the change. First and foremost, I want to say that I am so glad that there is such a board out here for anyone that is in this situation to be able to come and seek support. When you put yourself in this situation you dont realize how isolated it can be. I am not sure why fear has held me back from posting before now but I will say that just being able to read other situations has been not only comforting but a huge help in my process.
Since I am new I will brief you on my story. My A went on for 2 years and almost 4 months. We are both married and both have kids. I have been married for about 15 years and him the same. Both of us are lacking in our marriages. Several years ago I lost my father unexpectedly. He and my mother were married for 45 years. They were each others everything. After his death, life changed a lot for the family. Being the only child that lives in the same state/town as my mother I was and still am depended on a lot. Growing up I felt empty alot. Never really knew why but realized there was something missing. Fast forward......the A started almost a year after the death. A client that I work with started communicating with me and when I confronted him about it he proceeded to tell me about his interest he had in me. Shocked....yes, flattered....yes. I guess all the things that anyone might feel. I guess I could go into the whole scenario of the past 2 years but I am not sure if there is a need. If I am wrong please let me know. Just so you realize where I am at, I realize that I got into this because I had a void left by my dad passing. He came along and did not "'need'' me like everyone else did and it felt good. He was my escape and my fantasy. I did what everyone else has probably done and made this relationship into something so much more. I wanted to leave my M and thought he and I could live this happy life together. WRONG. If I am totally honest, there is no way in H@LL I could live with this man. While I always see the best in people and when I see the good and your heart I hold onto it, and he did have those moments, in reality he is a selfish, controlling, narcissist jerk. I realize that I am looking to be validated because I did not feel that growing up. And the loss of my dad only made that need bigger. I have also come to realize that I am seeking this from someone that can NOT provide that to me. I have always struggled with my self esteem but most people who know me would never say that about me. I allowed myself to be put on a emotional rollercoaster for too long. It has been awful. And while I know that with everything I have read that most of the times this is not real love, I have to say I did love him.
Here is where I am struggling, and honestly it seems so stupid to me. We had our times where we got frustrated and would end things but that lasted no more than a day. Back in Sept a situation happened and I for the first time in this situation put my foot down and took control. I had a lot of anger and that pushed me to realize I couldnt keep doing this to myself. It was at that time I realized I had lost myself, allowed my self esteem to take a huge beating and felt awful. I was going to therapy, reading, finally facing reality and I felt strong. Stronger than I ever had. I missed him but the anger and the pain of what happened kept pushing me. Because of our work situation he did contact me about a month into it but I kept it short and sweet. I am not sure what happened but about 3 weeks later we started talking again. I felt okay with it, yes I know I was in denial. I also think I felt this way because I had control at that time. He was saying all the right things, willing to do things, etc. etc. etc. I am not sure when I lost that control, maybe sometime in November. I felt myself weak again, no longer strong and confident. I had let him wear me down again.
Come Dec 20th......it ended. He ended it. How and why it all went down shocked and hurt me alot. For one it was right at Christmas and two I didnt see it coming. Now, with that said, I know it is for the best. I also know I should be thanking him for doing it because like all A it was going to end one day. But man did it hurt! I sucked it up and had a nice Christmas. I know it is because I focused everything on the holiday and I guess there was a part of me that honestly thought after the holiday that he would realize what he had done and make it right. WRONG. As of today it has been 21 days with NC. My anxiety level has been through the roof but it is getting better. I have really tried to be honest with myself about why I am so hurt. I believe it has a lot to do with feeling rejected. I was supposed to be the strong one and decide when the end came, not him. My therapist reminded me that I am strong. She said for someone to go through all that you have with this situation, you are only standing because you are so strong. I know I am stronger. I am not sobbing everyday like I have or would have in the past. I realize this takes time but I cant get past the rejection of it. And then of course there is the work issue. While we do not work in the same office and I do not see him everyday, we have projects going on and he has started calling my boss about questions, etc., and while I should see this as a good thing, and part of me does, it just feels like rejection all over again. I would love some advice on how you guys have handled getting past that feeling? I know I have to work on myself and I need to make the focus on me. I assure you I am trying. I wish there was a switch that I could flip and realize the greatness in me. Have the self esteem I want and be confident and just not care. Oh to just not care would be great. But I am a very caring person and that is just who I am. Just need help getting past this last part. I feel I am almost at the top of that mountain. Just a little bit more and I can put this behind me but just not there yet.