Newbie....obsessing like crazy

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Newbie....obsessing like crazy
Sat, 09-08-2012 - 11:37pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 6:34am
Hi Tiedup,

Welcome and though it's always a hard landing on this board, because it means you are facing where you're at, you will also find help.

It is normal to feel sad, hurt, and confused but out of those can come clear thinking again, but with work. You recognize that you have multiple layers of things going on, between your H, your xAPS, your M, and your work and social life. "Doing the right thing" means sorting those out from one another, and simplifying their overlap. Ending the As completely will get you started, and no contact between you and xAPs will mean nothing new that is hurtful or confusing will be added to the mix as you work on the other parts. Missing the A and the xAP is hard, but it does get easier, like any addiction. What they provide is a high, a feeling, not real goods.

A's are kind of like sharing the same ugly sweater - you each have one arm in and one arm out and move around awkwardly together, pretending to feel comfortable. Then when one partner takes it off,the other partner is left with the whole thing dangling and showing itself for the faulty garment it always was.
So right now you're stuck with that sweater. Take it off, stop texting and pursuing contact. You will begin to earn your own respect, which will in turn help you to recognize what is really important in your life.

The minute by minute stuff is hard at the beginning, read in the healing Library and come here and post when you are feeling weak - glad you are here.

Hugs, Daisy
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Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 9:34am

You have so many things going on in your life that it may take a real professional to sort things out. It won't happen overnight.

It certainly isn't unusual to be involved with a second affair, but you may need to look at it as an addiction. Getting to the reasons that you need validation, and why you stay in a marriage that is not fulfilling these needs, are probably a wise goal to look at in therapy. You should be looking for one as soon as possible.

We are not equipped to provide such therapy, but we can help you making the break for the A, and ending the madness.  You will have to extricate yourself from these relationships no matter how much it hurts, how it works for you professionally, and financially.  You can't have it all.  It just doesn't work that way.

Welcome to the group, read the healing library further down the main page and be patient.  You have a lot to over come, years and years of wrong direction, and going down the wrong paths.

Come here often, posting is a plus and you will find real helping people who have done it all, seen it all and are working through recovery.

I'm pulling for you,



We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 9:36am

Morning and welcome to EAS :smileyhappy:

Yes, Daisy's sweater metaphor is perfectly...and it is one ugly sweater.  Actually, it is probably one of those sweaters that's look better on the rack...I mean, I shouldn't knock a perfectly good sweater when it is the wears' fault.

We are all here because of lack of boundaries, inability to remain true to our vows, core issues which manifest in all kinds of dysfunctional behaviors...and this is were we all needed to turn our attention.  Has nothing to do with anything or anybody's all about us.  

I think at this point, because he put the kibash on the affair, the plan would be to maintain your dignity and composure in his presence and learn to work in close proximity without drama.  And, over time, as you conduct yourself with grace and dignity, his respect for you will return...not to start up the affair again...but it certainly will make your work environment more bearable...for you.

Keep reading as much as you can.  I just know over time with the new perspectives you will gain, you will come to your own conclusion that you need to gain control of yourownself and life...which seems a bit chaotic and out of control at present...but not to worry, you are amongst friends who have been in your shoes and can walk with you.  





iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 9:41am
hi again Knottie, yes, do come up with a plan and others may have better suggestions than I on entering into, and maintaining LC.( A question at large everyone, if you are ending your A yet know there will be LC - it is more, or less, important to END it by a letter or something? So it's clear? Instead of just block and walk)

Include in your plan goals for yourself, forward thinking thoughts, like I want to walk into this room where xAp may be, and I want to do x, see y and talk to z. rehearse that stuff in your mind. A few small successes where you feel like you are in control of yourself for just a few minutes(!!) can go a long way. You want to figure out those deeper doubts one day, so ditch the ugly sweater!!

Hugs and encouragement!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 10:23am

Believe me, we've all been at the depressed-as-hell stage.  It happens when we stop and take stalk of how we have been behaving.  The good news to lift some of that depression hopefully is that you are here today...seeking answers and striving to do better.  It's a start and a relief, no?  

Is there a chance you can seek some counseling?  I can't never suggest that enough...even though I sometimes forget to.  It helped me tremendously, and I've seen it help others as well.

You're not a monster, just took some wrong turns.  Stay close to the Board, reconnect with your good friends, focus on your marriage, keep trying to figure it all out...and you'll be back on track in no time.