newcomer in need of healing

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
newcomer in need of healing
11
Sat, 01-02-2010 - 4:31pm

I posted this yesterday and apparently did so under "the Healing Network". Under the direction of our CL, I am posting it here so that more of you might see it. Thank you all so much. I need your help:

Aside from responding to one post, this is the first for me. Today is a new year and I want myself back. I don't like the person I have become. I have admitted my A to nobody, and I am thinking that admitting it to someone will hold me accountable and strengthen my resolve to end it for good this time.

I am married. I became involved with my MM coworker three years ago. We are both professionals with significant positions at our place of employment. We had been friends for awhile prior to the A. He was so easy to talk to. I was comfortable telling him anything. I had never felt so comfortable with anyone before. I trusted him with my deepest secrets. In fact, he was the first person to whom I had ever actually said the words "I trust you."
Call it a mid-life crisis or whatever, but somehow I became bored with my life and felt I was lacking something in my 17-year marriage. I think maybe the same thing happened to him. Our discussions became deeper and more personal, and one night after an office happy hour it happened. He even asked me if I was OK with the sexual part, as neither of us had ever stepped outside our marriages, and at that point, knowing full well that it was wrong, I was not able to say no. I felt so close to him. But we were still just friends.

After a few months of dancing around the situation we got into an argument. He was upset with me and it made me cry. I told him I felt as if we were arguing like a couple, and I asked him if he was in love with me. He told me he was. I had fallen for him too. I fell hard. I had never known what "head over heels" felt like, but I was pretty sure that was it.

Immediately after "the revelation" we were finding any way we could to call each other or to be together, even if only for a few minutes. I had never felt so good in my life. Although never making any promises or commitments to me, he told me he loved me more than he had loved any other woman. As I look back, I think that was his biggest mistake. When a woman hears those words, she thinks she is "the one". He would always ask "future" type questions, like "If we were together..." I can't even begin to count the times he told me how he had never felt this way before, how he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone, how he was thinking of ways for us to have a life together. He was my soul mate. I was so in love with him.

We couldn't get enough of each other. I couldn't stop thinking about him, wanting to be with him, while my marriage suffered more and more. After a year of this dangerous activity, suspicions were raised at our workplace and we were both informed of such. I tried to end the A at that time but desperately wanted to keep his friendship, because after all, that's how it all started. There was no sex for 6 months, but the emotional bond, at least for me, was still so strong. Then one day a hug turned into a kiss and the whole thing started again.

After eight more months I began to want more from my AP. Things were not good at home and I was contemplating leaving my H. My AP was clear with me that he would not be willing to leave his family "at this time." I asked him for something, anything to hold onto, which he said he could not give me. But he still loved me more than any other woman and that he hoped for a future with me someday. He tried to convince me that living in "the here and now" was what was best. I tried to end the relationship again. Why was I risking my emotional well-being, my marriage, and literally my life for a potential future with him? This time I wrote him a break-up letter, to which he immediately responded in writing with the pain he was feeling, how he never meant to hurt me. It broke my heart to know that I had hurt my soul mate so deeply. I went back to him a week later.

Fast forward to the present (after another 8 months of A). I tried not to bring up the "F" word (future), but I can't help myself. I tried to enjoy the relationship for what it was, but I can't anymore. I have become a liar, a cheater, a thief. I never in my life dreamed I could be this kind of person and I hate myself. It is painfully clear to me that he wanted nothing more than to be able to escape from his home situation to a place that made him feel good for awhile. That's all I was to him, at least that's how I feel. I was so stupid. I am such a fool for thinking I had a future with him.

About 3 weeks ago I wrote him a long goodbye letter. I hope this is the last time I will be doing this. I cried for a couple of days, but the tears are becoming fewer day by day. I found this site and have visited it almost every day since then. It has been an eye-opener for me to read that my A was no different from anyone else's. I honestly thought we had something special. What a fool.

He responded to my letter, hinting at my selfishness in considering only my own feelings, and telling me again of the anguish this is causing him. He told me that any contact would be up to me. We had a little contact for a few days, but now I am on day 8 of NC.

So...today is a new year and I WANT MYSELF BACK! I am honest, I have integrity, and I would never cheat or steal. I want to know those things about me again! I miss me!

Thanks to all of you out there for your thoughts and your words of wisdom when I need them so desperately. I think I am becoming stronger. I don't want to fall down again. I would love to hear from someone. I am broken and want so much to be fixed.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Sat, 01-02-2010 - 4:53pm

Hi Couldn’t,


I’d like to call you Cansayno because from what I’m reading it looks like you are saying no to the A and all the toxins As bring into your life.


Stay and continue to read especially in the Healing Library which it sounds like you already know where that is.


It is hard and painful but if you want it bad enough then you will get through to the other side. At least with ending it there is an end in sight for the pain. If you continue, the pain will only continue with no end in sight. You are making the right choice!


Thanks for posting your story and welcome to the board.


Big hugs,


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.


A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Sat, 01-02-2010 - 5:21pm
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I need all I can get right now because both my xAP and I will be back at work Monday. NC has been easy for me because he has been out of town for the holidays. Monday will be a challenge and I am trying to prepare myself for that. Reading everyone's posts has been so helpful. It sounds like there are so many out there who have or are going through the same thing as I am. I am already feeling stronger because of the support I have found here. Thank you so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 01-02-2010 - 5:29pm

CSN,


Since I have already responded to you in the HL, I will now comment on a few things your wrote:


<>


Sadly, this is one of the mistakes many of us make. We, for some reason, can't open up to our closest friends or spouse about our deepest secrets, but there we go pouring our hearts out to

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2009
Sat, 01-02-2010 - 7:51pm

Hi Couldn't,

I just wanted to chime in a few words of support as I too am in a similar situation as yourself. My xmm is my boss. I am not as eloquent with my words as IDDY, Empowerment and some of the wonderful ladies here, but I couldn't have ended my A without the support of this board.

Good for you on the 8th day of NC :) I hope this will give you lots of strength when you go back to work with xmm. It will be very hard in the beginning but it is REALLY REALLY important that you strictly stick to being professional with him only. Go out for a walk or go into the bathroom to take some deep breadths if you get emotional and feel like crying - but NEVER let him see your weak moments. After work just say goodbye and leave. I promise you after a couple of weeks, it will get better.

You also have to be prepared for your xmm to have his weak moments and reach out to you for affection. Be strong and make it clear to him that your personal R has ended and ask him to give you space. You have to take charge and be the captain of the A ship now and it is up to you to steer the ship out of the toxic waters.

And of course posting and reading here would do wonders for your emotional sanity during this crucial junction of your ending journey.

I am rooting for you - YOU CAN DO IT !

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Sat, 01-02-2010 - 11:53pm

Dear Couldnt,


Welcome to EAS. This is a step in the right direction - getting out of and over the A.


I find so many similarities in our stories, but also some differences. My xAP is also my coworker.

Sunshine

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 12:02am

Couldnt...


You CAN be fixed and you WILL be fixed.

NC since October 2, 2009.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 10:59am
Hi Sunshine,
Your words are very wise. You are a few days into NC and it is now day 11 for me, but as Iddy pointed out, it is easier over the holidays. Tomorrow will be a test for both of us when we go back to work. Let's try to keep each other strong. I will check this board as I can through my work day tomorrow. Thank you for being out there for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 11:07am
I am determined, this time, to get my life back! I haven't felt the empowerment you speak of just yet, as I am still in the "I can't believe I was so stupid" stage, but I will get there. How naive of me to think that my A was different and special. I wish I'd had that kick in the a$$ the other two times I tried to end it. I can't express enough how thankful I am for this site and for all of you out there supporting me. I can't do this without you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Sun, 01-03-2010 - 11:22am

Hi couldntsayno welcome to EAS. I could have written so much of what you posted, its a huge shock isn't to to realise that our A's are no different to anyone elses?

I too work with xAP its taken me a year now to completely end the A as we still have LC. I try to keep NC whenever possible as any kind of contact makes me hyper vulnerable so well done on 8 days NC that's a great achievement!

I hope you have a happy and peaceful 2010.

((hugs)) Roxy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 9:35am
Wishing you a quick and painless day at work..i'm here now and praying it will go by quick.

Sunshine


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Sunshine

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