newcomer in need of healing

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
newcomer in need of healing
11
Sat, 01-02-2010 - 4:31pm

I posted this yesterday and apparently did so under "the Healing Network". Under the direction of our CL, I am posting it here so that more of you might see it. Thank you all so much. I need your help:

Aside from responding to one post, this is the first for me. Today is a new year and I want myself back. I don't like the person I have become. I have admitted my A to nobody, and I am thinking that admitting it to someone will hold me accountable and strengthen my resolve to end it for good this time.

I am married. I became involved with my MM coworker three years ago. We are both professionals with significant positions at our place of employment. We had been friends for awhile prior to the A. He was so easy to talk to. I was comfortable telling him anything. I had never felt so comfortable with anyone before. I trusted him with my deepest secrets. In fact, he was the first person to whom I had ever actually said the words "I trust you."
Call it a mid-life crisis or whatever, but somehow I became bored with my life and felt I was lacking something in my 17-year marriage. I think maybe the same thing happened to him. Our discussions became deeper and more personal, and one night after an office happy hour it happened. He even asked me if I was OK with the sexual part, as neither of us had ever stepped outside our marriages, and at that point, knowing full well that it was wrong, I was not able to say no. I felt so close to him. But we were still just friends.

After a few months of dancing around the situation we got into an argument. He was upset with me and it made me cry. I told him I felt as if we were arguing like a couple, and I asked him if he was in love with me. He told me he was. I had fallen for him too. I fell hard. I had never known what "head over heels" felt like, but I was pretty sure that was it.

Immediately after "the revelation" we were finding any way we could to call each other or to be together, even if only for a few minutes. I had never felt so good in my life. Although never making any promises or commitments to me, he told me he loved me more than he had loved any other woman. As I look back, I think that was his biggest mistake. When a woman hears those words, she thinks she is "the one". He would always ask "future" type questions, like "If we were together..." I can't even begin to count the times he told me how he had never felt this way before, how he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone, how he was thinking of ways for us to have a life together. He was my soul mate. I was so in love with him.

We couldn't get enough of each other. I couldn't stop thinking about him, wanting to be with him, while my marriage suffered more and more. After a year of this dangerous activity, suspicions were raised at our workplace and we were both informed of such. I tried to end the A at that time but desperately wanted to keep his friendship, because after all, that's how it all started. There was no sex for 6 months, but the emotional bond, at least for me, was still so strong. Then one day a hug turned into a kiss and the whole thing started again.

After eight more months I began to want more from my AP. Things were not good at home and I was contemplating leaving my H. My AP was clear with me that he would not be willing to leave his family "at this time." I asked him for something, anything to hold onto, which he said he could not give me. But he still loved me more than any other woman and that he hoped for a future with me someday. He tried to convince me that living in "the here and now" was what was best. I tried to end the relationship again. Why was I risking my emotional well-being, my marriage, and literally my life for a potential future with him? This time I wrote him a break-up letter, to which he immediately responded in writing with the pain he was feeling, how he never meant to hurt me. It broke my heart to know that I had hurt my soul mate so deeply. I went back to him a week later.

Fast forward to the present (after another 8 months of A). I tried not to bring up the "F" word (future), but I can't help myself. I tried to enjoy the relationship for what it was, but I can't anymore. I have become a liar, a cheater, a thief. I never in my life dreamed I could be this kind of person and I hate myself. It is painfully clear to me that he wanted nothing more than to be able to escape from his home situation to a place that made him feel good for awhile. That's all I was to him, at least that's how I feel. I was so stupid. I am such a fool for thinking I had a future with him.

About 3 weeks ago I wrote him a long goodbye letter. I hope this is the last time I will be doing this. I cried for a couple of days, but the tears are becoming fewer day by day. I found this site and have visited it almost every day since then. It has been an eye-opener for me to read that my A was no different from anyone else's. I honestly thought we had something special. What a fool.

He responded to my letter, hinting at my selfishness in considering only my own feelings, and telling me again of the anguish this is causing him. He told me that any contact would be up to me. We had a little contact for a few days, but now I am on day 8 of NC.

So...today is a new year and I WANT MYSELF BACK! I am honest, I have integrity, and I would never cheat or steal. I want to know those things about me again! I miss me!

Thanks to all of you out there for your thoughts and your words of wisdom when I need them so desperately. I think I am becoming stronger. I don't want to fall down again. I would love to hear from someone. I am broken and want so much to be fixed.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 5:43pm
My work day will be over in less than an hour and it has been painless!

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