new...hurting..confused...HELP please!!!
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| Sat, 12-04-2004 - 4:29pm |
I met someone (Friend) in high school 11 years ago who is still deep in my mind/heart. He was with someone else, and while we fooled around neither of us thought it was really that serious. He chose to stay with his girlfriend, I went off to the real world, where I met DH. DH and I married four months later (after a miscarriage of our first child). I kept in touch with Friend, and when he told me he and his girlfriend had broken up (this being about two years after I met and married DH) the thought crossed my mind that I should have waited. We STILL kept in touch through the years, both of us saying that we're best off as friends and ignoring the rest of our relationship. At one point though, he and I were emailing dirty notes, and a woman he was engaged to at that time found out (now his wife).
DH and I had been having problems, and DH had been encouraging me to cyber with strangers from chat rooms. But I can't do that. We were both only half-serious about the notes, but he and I agreed that it was best to just not be in contact with each other because what we both really wanted was these other people more than we wanted a sexual relationship with each other.
We didn't speak for four years. During that time, he married, I got pregnant with our second child. My husband had a physical affair while I was pregnant with our son (a coworker of his - he's military, and he ended up demoted and fined half-pay for three months, which ultimately punished me and the kids more than him). I stayed, we continued to work on our relationship and when we officially decided we were reconciled, we conceived our third child. Fourth child was born two years and five days later. I nearly died a week after child's birth. About a month after that, friend found me again (I'd moved twice) and said he couldn't stand not having me in his life in any way. He and I both really had a problem with the way I'd nearly died and had not been able to contact him.
A few months after that, I found DH was having an internet affair with someone. A few weeks later I packed up the kids and left, but I didn't really want a divorce. I just want us to fix our problems. We spent three long weeks doing some serious and honest talking. Friend and I have still been in contact, doing our best to keep it "honest" so to speak..nothing sexual.
I went home for Thanksgiving, first time in 8 years. DH wasn't able to come because of his military duties. Last time I'd been home, my oldest was an infant. I'd seen Friend then as well, and the awful thought did cross my mind that my child could have been his...and that I WANT a child with him!(and he says he feels the same...he looks at my kids and sees one more in the bunch, one that is his)
I was at my mother's for my birthday and Thanksgiving, so I invited Friend and his wife to join us for my birthday, as well as another friend from waaay back in elementary school and her husband. Seeing Friend was VERY difficult. I had thought that I'd see him and realize how much is "just in my head."
It's not. The memories were much sharper, the feelings of "I want to be with you forever" and of "I love you" were much stronger than ever before.
But at the same time, I wonder how much of what I was feeling and calling "love" was a direct response to the outright rejection (she refused to celebrate my birthday with me, and told us not to come back after we went to our grandfather's in another town for thanksgiving, said I'm breaking the law by homeschooling my children and neglecting/handicapping them over it as well, and my children are wild and immature heathens) that I was getting from my mother, and the problems within my marriage and not feeling like DH loves me. The same sort of rejections I was dealing with when I met Friend.
If DH had been there, would I have held as tightly to him as I did to Friend when Friend arrived? Would I have kissed DH long and hard rather than wanted to kiss Friend (I didn't, although Friend did kiss my cheek).
When Friend and I met, I was going out with a guy who was using me to make FRIEND'S girlfriend jealous because my boyfriend wanted HER! I didn't know it at that time though. But right from the start I'd felt a serious lightning-bolt to the heart connection with Friend. Our A basically got started then if you consider that he was with someone, and so was I. We actually didn't speak to each other until my boyfriend broke up with me (about two weeks later, about two months into our relationship)...but still. When we got involved it was an A really, wasn't it? Teenage stupid sh*t, but still...he was cheating on his girlfriend with me.
He says now that he should have spoken up more, that he let me go and shouldn't have. To a large degree I feel the same but I am SO confused because I can't tell what is quite REAL about the relationship since it has always been an A.
His wife knows me, and considers me a sister of sorts (after all, we love the same man...we have alot more in common than that too, which is kinda freaky/odd that I try to not dwell on!) She has told me that should my relationship with Friend turn sexual again, she'd turn a blind eye to it. She is unable to have s*x since having her son because of severe internal damage from a hack-job episiotomy rush to get the boy out when he got stuck.
DH thinks Friend would never have contacted me again if his wife could have s*x. Of course, Friend says it's not that.
I was emotionally/physically neglected/abused growing up as well as s*xually molested as a young child. DH and I have always had a difficult relationship as far as s*x. During his affair, he told me I was the worst lay he'd ever had. I'd only ever been with Friend and my husband (although friend and I stopped just short of traditional intercourse). DH has been involved in porn since early in our marriage as well.
SO I have hurts on both sides, and doubts. Friend doesn't want to break up my marriage, and says he is content to just get a yearly Christmas card if that's what it takes to keep me in his life. To know that I am there, and that I'm ok. DH thinks I can't possibly love two men, and that the only way for us to fully recover our marriage is to completely give up Friend.
Part of me even still wants to sleep with Friend should I get the chance just because of DH's affairs. But that wouldn't make it right. It certainly wouldn't make that pain go away, only hurt me more and deliberately hurt DH.
I became a Christian five years ago, just a couple weeks before we agreed to no contact. He said then and now that he doesn't want me going against my values (which he doesn't share) unless I want to. I'd have to go to him. He won't make a move in that regard. Problem is, just being in touch with him is a sin.
I'm torn between indulging in this A, even if only that he is there in the background and I COULD easily make it more than "just friends" and letting Friend go, and focus on a marriage that I STILL don't know if we'll manage to work out given 11 years of troubles and hurts.
On the good side of things with DH, for the first time in many, many years I have actually had a couple of dreams where he and I are having s*x. I feel closer to him right now than I have in a long time, but still so very far away. And whenever his military duties keep him gone more than a couple of days, I really get worried. DH says I'm just high maintenance LOL but there is that lure that Friend isn't military, he WOULD be home every night with me...ugh...
SIGH...I don't know what to do. I know that ultimately, the decision has to come from me. Thanks for listening, and if anyone has any thought or observations to share, please do! I would love to hear from someone else what they think of my relationship with Friend who is NOT involved in the situation. Does it really seem like Friend is just keeping me around because he can? It's not like he and I email all the time or anything. While I'm often tempted to email more often and don't, I am not receiving daily messages seeking my attention either. More like he replies to my weekly emails and once a month might send me one of his own. But at the same time, when DH is home, he ignores me too..spending hours on the computer although we're working at getting more connected even though I have to push for it!
Part of me would really rather be alone and have neither of them than deal with this mess. But then again, I started running away from home at 2 years old (honestly. The police report says I said I was running away, and that is how my mother and Dad tell the story)
Sorry this has gotten VERY long, so thanks again for reading this.

Jazzdiva
Yes. What she said was that she knows she won't lose him, because he does love her too. But that I can give him things that she can't (besides s*x) because we're two different people, just as she is able to give him things I can't simply because of who she is as a person and not just having the title of his wife). She says that Friend "went through hell" looking for me after about a year after we decided to not have any contact. (although I had been registered with Classmates.com for three years, and my mother never moved and he still lives in the same area). That Friend has never been as happy as we was before he talked me into no contact, until finding me again.
His wife is also 11 years older than Friend and I. She and I like alot of the same things, and she and I look very similar. Given that he met her so long after meeting me, I do wonder if he really does love me and was looking for someone as similar to me as he could get. I do like his wife.
DH and Friend are nothing alike, actually other than their interest in martial arts.
And no, I can not say that I'd be so accepting were the shoe reversed and it was my DH with "an old flame" like this.
I have wondered once if DH and Friend's Wife weren't actually have "supposed" to have met and married?!! DH is only 7 years older than I am.
To further muddy the waters...sitting there at my birthday with my 16 y/o half-sister, she picked up on the sparks between Friend and I. Told me the next morning that I should have slept with AND MARRIED Friend!! That he really seems to care about me.
Told Friend and I and he said he feels the same and that it's hard to admit because we've always said "no regrets, this is our decision" but it really seems sometimes like neither of us had ANY clue just how strong our feelings were.
SIGH... I just need to work this out so I can fully focus on my marriage. I've had the chances to leave my marriage and I haven't. I DO love my husband. I feel like he's been cheated so badly though because while I told him about Friend from the start, I didn't tell him I had any regrets. I did fine for two years without much contact from Friend and feeling like I could go forever as "just friends" and that the rest was just imaginatively romanticized lust, not really love. Til DH and I were having problems over his porn interest and Friend told me he and his girlfriend had broken up.
It's been downhill from there.
Keeper
So you became a Christian, if I recall correctly that means a deciple of Jesus Christ, a deciple does what his/her master does right SO WHAT WOULD YOUR CHRIST DO in this situation ??
Maybe you need to cut all the melodrama out and do what you know your supposted to do as a Christian girl, no more excuses if your calling yourself a Christian then do the Christian thing ?
Just my opinion but if you believe something then you should act like you believe.
Free
Free,
With all due respect it is not so cut-and-dried. First of all, Christ was never in this sort of situation. I would not presume to be able to know what He would do.
Secondly...Yes, the Bible clearly discusses the sin of adultery and it's repercussions. It is among my many reasons for trying to let Friend go. I know what I am "supposed" to do. I don't know HOW to do it.
I am not there yet. He knows that. He knows my struggles, and He is there for me. He knows my heart.
If I had it in me to simply say "I can't do this, it's against my religious beliefs" I would have done so by now. I am not a cold-hearted, logic-only person. I feel deeply with the heart that God gave me.
Letting go is a process, and its starts with the decision to be honest about the situation. I can't even see everything clearly right now, I'm too close to the situation, and hurting and confused.
I'm here to help me step back, see clearly, and figure out how I go about ending things in the best way possible. Frankly, your "do what Christ would do" is the unthinking sort of advice I would get should I take my situation to my closest Christian friends...many of whom are not, will not, nor ever have been where I am standing right now. In fact, I have already taken this situation to a trusted woman in my church who is trying to help me get to the point where I can do what I know is right.
I appreciate your advice, and how it was meant. I just thought you should know I don't find it helpful right now.
Elizabeth
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Elizabeth
Unlike your friends I have BTDT and I can tell you the best advice\help I ever got was NOT what I wanted to here and I resented it greatly at the time.
You are correct it is about makeing a decision and sticking with it, it seems from your answer that you know what Christ would do, and again if I recall correclty he was tempted in everyway just like the rest of us but did not sin. (I was churched when younger)
I understand that it is not easy but I know people of faith who seem to be able to draw great strength from it to help them through very bad times, I am sure they are no better then you so maybe you could do the same !!
cold hearted logical, we could get into a debate on this and it's related subjects but it would do you no good.
True,
Ouch. No, DH never asked. And if he had, at the time, I'd have said I had no regrets. DH and I married young, and for alot of the wrong reasons on both our parts. Just compounds the problems really. But yes, as DH puts it "this guy has been a thorn in my side since the day I met you." Which really hurts because I didn't go deliberately seeking to hook up with someone because I didn't have Friend. I didn't lie to DH either, I told him I had a close friendship with this person, and just how far it had gone in the past.
UGH. I SO need to end this. But HOW? I don't want to compound my sins by lying to the guy and saying I don't want to see him again even though I DO.
Friend has said that he'll be there for me however I want him...and he has said that he won't come to me, because of DH and because of my beliefs - recognizing what a temptation he is to me...I have to go to him.
But I don't feel it's right to just fade away with no explanations, either.
Hiya Elizabeth,
Firstly, no judgement calls here since I'm 6mos past a nearly 4yr EMA which produced my now 2yr old daughter.
Remember the ole "Let he who is sin free cast the first stone" quote? This is often quoted by people who are accused of something - it is comforting to know that everyone else is in the same condemned boat - but didn't Jesus say to the woman (verse 11): "Go and sin no more?" We often conveniently forget this part of the story because we realise this bit is far easier said than done.
Continuing an affair (whether emotional, physical or both) is a choice. God gives us free will. How will you use that free will, Elizabeth? To honour Him? Or to carry on finding justifications to continue dishonouring Him? Only you and He will know unless, of course, your husband or children inadvertently discover the continued contact with your emotional affair partner aka Friend.
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Letting go is a choice, Elizabeth. It starts with understanding that putting one's wants/needs before the wants/needs of our families and other loved ones is unquestionably selfish.
Next, ask yourself a question:-
What part of me needs this man, so that I can feel good about myself?
Once you work that one out, you may begin to address the void that no one else can fill but yourself.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie