newly ended and in terrible shape

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
newly ended and in terrible shape
20
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 8:49pm
I am new here and have just gotten the break up out of the blue. I can't sleep or eat and all I do is cry.

The short version which is long is I met recently XMM in college. He was the incredible but I was young and needed time to figure things out so I asked for space. We got back together and it was wonderful. His love for me was so amazing. I felt like I could truly be me and connected with him in so many ways. Hw was my soul mate. Then I left for a year, he had just finished med school and wanted to be an orthopedic surgeon but had to wait a year. I thought I would give him the time he needed to get where he wanted to be and then move to wherever he was going to be. After 6 months apart, I got a call that it was over. I could not believe it. I asked why and he wouldn't tell me. I flew and he would not open up at all. It was a horrible ending and he was very mean.

He was engaged within 4 months and married within the year. The odd thing was I asked him multiple times if he was dating this woman and he denied it...even though I knew it was true.

Somehow we managed to stay friends...God only knows why. Over the years we were there for each other. He had wrist problems and was forced not to operate anymore. He had problems with keeping W happy with money. Then I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and he was so supportive. He sent me a letter telling me he had never stopped lopving me and just thought years ago that it was best to go our separate ways and the only way he knew how to do that was to hurt me. He said it hurt him every day. He told me he had just heard the song "What I Really Meant to Say" and that was what he truly felt. We began talking more intimately and slowly I opened up again. I loved him and had never stopped loving him. He sent me things that symbolized his heart and soul and told me they were mine to keep as long as I wanted them. He would always love me and be there for me. I was the best thign that ever happened to him; how could he be so lucky that I would forgive him. He would never let me down again.

We finally got and it was better than I could have ever imagined. He was so amzing and I felt completely comfortable with him. We were best friends and truly in love. He poured his heart and soul out to me. It was the best 1 1/2 of my life. We were both M and it was a LDA but we were so closeThen I got a call that he and W had gone to a group counseling session and that he agreed to work on the M and therefore it meant NC. I was devastated but knew it had to be done. That lasted 3 months and then I called and asked if at least we could be just friends. The friendship had always been the most importnat thing to me. He said yes and that it was basically not going to work with W but that he would probably be M for a long time. We were basically just friends.

Then 3 months later I needed to know where I stood. I aske dhow he felt- he said his feelings had not changed and he loved me and would always want to be with me but could not think about the future at this point. I told him that was OK with me. I too was basically in a similar situation with H.

We did not get together for over a year...and then he started acting funny again- putting diatance there for about a month. Then , to me, out of the blue he calls and says W wants a D. He was so hurt and confused and yet knew it was over. I just was there for him being supportive and trying to help him through the upsa and downs. He asked me when I would forsee leaving my M-- I told him probably in 5 years as that was what I had always thought was my gameplan. I thought I would be D before him and would be waiting ofr him. I asked if this was OK and he said yes-- he would wait forever. IN March I got this email"You are the air I breath, the cool water that quenches my thirst, the fuel that warms me when I am cold, the shelter that protects me from the storm. the friend whom I call my best, and from now on my only lover. You are the one. Respire me, quench me, warm me, protect me, befriend me, love me, as only you can. I will repay you ten fold. Let us embrace each other for our remaining years whether we are physically together or not. I will never leave you again, even in death.

I am forever yours (though I cannot expect you to trust me yet on this), and working hard to earn back your trust and respect"



IN the end of April I got these emails that were so amazing. One said " "YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. I think about the firsttime we met. You and I could have ...it all...my kids, your kid and more.. They would have been perfect with you as their mother. What was I thinking? Let what I just said sink in, then consider forgiving me for not allowing us to have the life we should have had. Every time I piss you off, every time I hurt your feelings, every time I say things in a manner which causes you pain, take a moment and think about the first five sentences in this paragraph: every single time.



I miss you , want to be with you. ...."

He said I was everything he ever wanted and needed -- he constantly said what was he ever thinking all those years ago. He would work hard to earn my trust again and would do whatever it took to be there for me. He asked about getting together multiple times- but I thought it was too soon as he was not D yet and I did not want that to go bad and neither did he. ..and it would be difficult as H is a teacher and then realized I wanted to be with him so badly that I needed to figure things out-- but I thought I had all the time in the world. I thought all I needed to do was to make sure he knew I loved him. I did not want to tell him that I was beginnign to think about leaving H as I did not want him on that rollercoaster if I changed my mind. Multiple folks told me 5 years was unfair to everyone. So then I started to feel some distance. I had told him I wanted him to go out and meet other people and not stay home. I wanted him to be happy, but I did not want him to have sex wiht anyone else.

Well things started to change and to be honest I realized he was putting distance between us again. I did not know if it was because I was trying to figure things out or he was feeling rejected. I knew I wanted him and loved him and figured I better figure things out quickly. I kept telling him how much I loved him and wanted to be with him.

I felt so comfortable with how he felt about me and I never questioned it. I never thought that I should tell him I would leave H very soon...so finally after about 2 months I decided I loved him and wanted him and would leave H. I told H and called XMM and could not reach him. I finally left a message saying I was having a bad day (Memorial Day). We did not talk until Friday and I was at work - it was hard and awkward. I wanted to tell him but couldn't -- then I called him back and he we talked and he finally said it was over... I said why -- he said the distance and the 5 years were too much. I could not believe it...I told him I was getting D. He said it did not matter- he was not in love with me anymore. I was shocked and out of control. I felt like I was now going through 2 Ds at once. I told him how could this happen and how could it be really over after 25 years...he said he could not take the diance and 5 years...I kept saying I was free. He asked how long it would take. I said it depended on H but probably short. I aske dif I told him 2 months ago about this would it have made a difference and he said it may have...but he could not change his mind now-- it was over...we talked again today and he listened to me and basically poured out my heart and was completely rejected. He said it was over and he would always love me but was not in love with me anymore...I am so deparate right now

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 2:08am
TB I can relate to the hurt and pain you feel. Not sure I can help..A ended about 2 weeks ago and I am still a wreck, Crying alot like you..don't know how to stop it either.

Sorry I cant help just know you are not alone...email me if like.

Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 6:01am
Hope,

Thanks so much. It is so hard because there is no one I can talk to about it. I really appreciate your post and am so sorry for you too. Right now I am thinking of calling him and leaving a voicemail saying- first...how could you do this to me again and not say how sorry you are and how bad you feel...second I need to get over this fast and if you think you really are my friend then I need to know why-- this idea of my not being free is not true there has to be something more and I deserve to know.

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 9:49am
Never knowing why is hard thing to do, esp if it ends very suddenly. I feel for you, I was in your shoes a year back when it ended so suddenly. Now I have accepted it. It takes a while. I am sorry... I hope you find peace soon..
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 2:58pm
TB,

I posted to your post from yesterday on the other board. I hope you find peace of mind soon. Find peace that it all ended. I wish you all the best. Good Luck!

Juliet

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 5:19pm
I am just trying to get through the day and the pain is almost unbearable. On top of that I can really talk to no one about it. It is crazy. XMM has been my best friend for almost 25 years and now we are basically finished.

How could I be so stupid to trust someone 2 second time. He did this to me 25 years ago. He was completely in love and then when I was gone for 5 months I get a call saying it was over. No reason-- he jsut shut the door.

When we got back together physically he said he had to close that door because he thought it would not work and that he knew he still loved me. He said he was not not mature enough and did not have the confidence in himself. I loved him and he was my best freind and so after almost a year I decided ot give him my heart and soul again. It was amazing--more than I ever dreamed it would be. He was truly my soulmate. He promised me would never hurt me again. We could not say we would end up together, but he said I would always have his heart and soul...that nothing would ever change that. This past year we have not seen each other and his D was unexpected, quick and definitely hurt him even though he was not in love with W.

The past 5 months have been filled with so many ups and downs and I finally felt completely comfortable with my decision to make a life with him...and then this...complete closure. Ans it is because he could not wait 5 years and the distance...he will not give me another reason. It just makes no sense at all. How after 25 years and 1 month ago me being everything he ever wanted can it be over because of the distance?? I feell like I deserve to know the truth and he is not giving it to me. He will not even entertain the notion that this is hurtful and mean and....he listens if I call, but that's it

I am thinking of flying down- telling him I want 12 hours to vent and do whatever I want and need in terms of releasing my anger and then it is over...is that too crazy or wrong??? I need him to see that I was stupid enough to allow him to completely destroy me twice in one lifetime and for him to understand that what he did was wrong and to at least be sorry..he was my best friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 6:12pm
I know how you feel, I have been let down by my OM many a time too. I still have gone back to him again and again. Must have something to do with that mysterious "pull" from him that is so hard to explain... I too felt he was my soulmate. Somebody whom I know that dabbles in soulmates and such once said, sometimes it doesn't help being soulmates since you may not have resolved your own personal issues within you. Makes sense if you think of in my OM's context, he truly did love me, but he's got his mortal fear of being with a woman again in a close relationship. Its because of the gf's he had in the past or whatever or maybe he is a commitment phobe. I don't know. All that doesn't do well for us and that is why we are here where we are today. Just take heart that its not just you who feels "foolish in love". Anytime you feel that way think of me. Hopefully that will make you feel better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 7:40pm
Tb-

I'm right there with you...I think the pain over the loss of someone we truly consdered a friend is what hurts the most. If it was just sex for us, it would be easier, but to know that we opened our hearts, our minds, and our souls to someone who would and could just throw it away is the damnable part.

Although I don't have much wisdom to provide as I'm working though the pain and humiliation myself. I want you to know you are a good person with a good heart who was taken advantage of by someone who is not worthy of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 8:29pm
I am having such a hard time dealing with life...and a 5 yo. It is so unfair. The days are so much better than the nights. Please someone let me know what they think of resolving this for me face to face...I want him to see what he has done...and know that it was wrong...Is it OK to fly there for the day and make him listen to me vent??

tb
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 8:59pm
You need to do what you need to do. I wouldn't just show up and "surprise" him but you certainly can call him and ask for what you need. He doesn't sound like the nicest guy so be prepared to accept the fact that you might not get what you need. You certainly deserve some face to face time and some information so you can have closure. I hope he is open to hearing that. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know it's terribly gut wrenching. Try to give yourself a little time if you can to think things through. Acting out of desperation rarely yields good results.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 9:35pm
I have been thinking about how to move on. He said he would be willing to talk and wants to be there for me as a friend...which is such bull s..t. He is like a different person right now. The same thing happened 20+ years ago-- he just closed his heart and for whatever reason would not open it. In that case he was with another woman (his xW) but would not tell me. It made no sense as it would have been easier to deal with a known issue instead of an unknown. I stayed with him for 3 days and knew she was around as she came over multiple times when he was not there and I saw alot of her stuff. He refused to even admit they were dating...so my gut says something like that is going on again. I have asked a few times and he says he is not interesetd in anyone. I have said it would be easier to know the truth than to be blamed in a sense for the failure-- my fault that I did not tell him what was going on and that I would soon be free. I had asked if I had told him earlier would it have made a difference and he said it might have. So that is hard to take.

In this kind of situation I just can't see you suddenly falling out of love in a matter of a month...after years...it does not happen that quickly...it has to be something else. He is D less than a month. The first 3 months were difficult for him and for me...as I knew his W as the OW from the past. I always supported him and rarely said anything bad about W and he really appreciated me being his soft landing. He cried to me and let me see how incredibly hurt he was.

I think I missed alot of the little clues that things were slipping but I thought it was because I was so on edge and I would check in and ask if we were OK and he would always say yes.

I was thinking of flying down for the day on Friday. I would call and tell him that if he truly did love me at any point (he says how could I ever question that...so in other words I am suppose to believe some of the things he sayd but not all..) and valve our friendship than what I want is 12 hours on Friday to say whatever I want or need with no I have to go or I can't talk anymore- let's talk tomorrow. He had said earlier getting together would not change anything-- and I agree-- it just would give me some peace which I desparately need. Doing this over the phone after all we have been through is pathetic.

The other thing that seems unbelieveable to me is that he does not see any paralells here. He is a bright man and usually so caring and thoughful...he ends it the same way...

I am sorry I am rambling-- the nights are just so hard...

Pages