newly ended and in terrible shape

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
newly ended and in terrible shape
20
Mon, 06-07-2004 - 8:49pm
I am new here and have just gotten the break up out of the blue. I can't sleep or eat and all I do is cry.

The short version which is long is I met recently XMM in college. He was the incredible but I was young and needed time to figure things out so I asked for space. We got back together and it was wonderful. His love for me was so amazing. I felt like I could truly be me and connected with him in so many ways. Hw was my soul mate. Then I left for a year, he had just finished med school and wanted to be an orthopedic surgeon but had to wait a year. I thought I would give him the time he needed to get where he wanted to be and then move to wherever he was going to be. After 6 months apart, I got a call that it was over. I could not believe it. I asked why and he wouldn't tell me. I flew and he would not open up at all. It was a horrible ending and he was very mean.

He was engaged within 4 months and married within the year. The odd thing was I asked him multiple times if he was dating this woman and he denied it...even though I knew it was true.

Somehow we managed to stay friends...God only knows why. Over the years we were there for each other. He had wrist problems and was forced not to operate anymore. He had problems with keeping W happy with money. Then I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and he was so supportive. He sent me a letter telling me he had never stopped lopving me and just thought years ago that it was best to go our separate ways and the only way he knew how to do that was to hurt me. He said it hurt him every day. He told me he had just heard the song "What I Really Meant to Say" and that was what he truly felt. We began talking more intimately and slowly I opened up again. I loved him and had never stopped loving him. He sent me things that symbolized his heart and soul and told me they were mine to keep as long as I wanted them. He would always love me and be there for me. I was the best thign that ever happened to him; how could he be so lucky that I would forgive him. He would never let me down again.

We finally got and it was better than I could have ever imagined. He was so amzing and I felt completely comfortable with him. We were best friends and truly in love. He poured his heart and soul out to me. It was the best 1 1/2 of my life. We were both M and it was a LDA but we were so closeThen I got a call that he and W had gone to a group counseling session and that he agreed to work on the M and therefore it meant NC. I was devastated but knew it had to be done. That lasted 3 months and then I called and asked if at least we could be just friends. The friendship had always been the most importnat thing to me. He said yes and that it was basically not going to work with W but that he would probably be M for a long time. We were basically just friends.

Then 3 months later I needed to know where I stood. I aske dhow he felt- he said his feelings had not changed and he loved me and would always want to be with me but could not think about the future at this point. I told him that was OK with me. I too was basically in a similar situation with H.

We did not get together for over a year...and then he started acting funny again- putting diatance there for about a month. Then , to me, out of the blue he calls and says W wants a D. He was so hurt and confused and yet knew it was over. I just was there for him being supportive and trying to help him through the upsa and downs. He asked me when I would forsee leaving my M-- I told him probably in 5 years as that was what I had always thought was my gameplan. I thought I would be D before him and would be waiting ofr him. I asked if this was OK and he said yes-- he would wait forever. IN March I got this email"You are the air I breath, the cool water that quenches my thirst, the fuel that warms me when I am cold, the shelter that protects me from the storm. the friend whom I call my best, and from now on my only lover. You are the one. Respire me, quench me, warm me, protect me, befriend me, love me, as only you can. I will repay you ten fold. Let us embrace each other for our remaining years whether we are physically together or not. I will never leave you again, even in death.

I am forever yours (though I cannot expect you to trust me yet on this), and working hard to earn back your trust and respect"



IN the end of April I got these emails that were so amazing. One said " "YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. I think about the firsttime we met. You and I could have ...it all...my kids, your kid and more.. They would have been perfect with you as their mother. What was I thinking? Let what I just said sink in, then consider forgiving me for not allowing us to have the life we should have had. Every time I piss you off, every time I hurt your feelings, every time I say things in a manner which causes you pain, take a moment and think about the first five sentences in this paragraph: every single time.



I miss you , want to be with you. ...."

He said I was everything he ever wanted and needed -- he constantly said what was he ever thinking all those years ago. He would work hard to earn my trust again and would do whatever it took to be there for me. He asked about getting together multiple times- but I thought it was too soon as he was not D yet and I did not want that to go bad and neither did he. ..and it would be difficult as H is a teacher and then realized I wanted to be with him so badly that I needed to figure things out-- but I thought I had all the time in the world. I thought all I needed to do was to make sure he knew I loved him. I did not want to tell him that I was beginnign to think about leaving H as I did not want him on that rollercoaster if I changed my mind. Multiple folks told me 5 years was unfair to everyone. So then I started to feel some distance. I had told him I wanted him to go out and meet other people and not stay home. I wanted him to be happy, but I did not want him to have sex wiht anyone else.

Well things started to change and to be honest I realized he was putting distance between us again. I did not know if it was because I was trying to figure things out or he was feeling rejected. I knew I wanted him and loved him and figured I better figure things out quickly. I kept telling him how much I loved him and wanted to be with him.

I felt so comfortable with how he felt about me and I never questioned it. I never thought that I should tell him I would leave H very soon...so finally after about 2 months I decided I loved him and wanted him and would leave H. I told H and called XMM and could not reach him. I finally left a message saying I was having a bad day (Memorial Day). We did not talk until Friday and I was at work - it was hard and awkward. I wanted to tell him but couldn't -- then I called him back and he we talked and he finally said it was over... I said why -- he said the distance and the 5 years were too much. I could not believe it...I told him I was getting D. He said it did not matter- he was not in love with me anymore. I was shocked and out of control. I felt like I was now going through 2 Ds at once. I told him how could this happen and how could it be really over after 25 years...he said he could not take the diance and 5 years...I kept saying I was free. He asked how long it would take. I said it depended on H but probably short. I aske dif I told him 2 months ago about this would it have made a difference and he said it may have...but he could not change his mind now-- it was over...we talked again today and he listened to me and basically poured out my heart and was completely rejected. He said it was over and he would always love me but was not in love with me anymore...I am so deparate right now

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 7:06am
I actually slept for the first time in 3 days. I decided last night that I needed to call him this morning and tell him that for me to get over this quickly I need to resolve this face to face and I will fly down Friday and just want 12 hours where I can say whatever I want and end in so I can move on.

Hopefully this is not an insane thing to do and hopefully he will respond and be willing to do this.

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 8:25am
OK I just got off the phone with him and for the first time since this happened I feel somewhat empowered. I think the worse feeling is feeling so helpless like a victim. I told him I needed to see him and tell he what I thought and be able to rant and I needed to do that now. He said the next 2 days he was busy I said I needed to do it now. I would fly down and see him on Friday and get it over with...he was silent...I said ity has to be this way...he said why can't we just do it over the phone. I said it was not what I wanted and for once this was about me and not him.

I clearly wanted to drive there and have however long it would take...he wants to meet me at the airport for a defined period of time...that is fine with me I guess. I just need to have some control over my own fate.

He is all pouty that it is an inconvenience to him as he is very busy--he works 2 days a week for god's sake. His kids are out of town...the inconvenience is a date I am sure. Why he won't admit this is crazy. He said he would meet me at the airport at noon. It is as if I am ruining his day...well he ruined my life twice...ridiculous.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 11:09am
I just made my plane reservations. I fly down there on Friday morning. I will get there earlier but I told my now single man I would meet him at noon. What do I call him he is now not married- but not mine??

Anyway he said he would meet me at the airport. I asked where - he said what airline are you flying. I said probably xx. He said he had to start seeing patients and we could talk later. I said fine , bye and hung up.

I know it is not right-- but I am glad he is stressed out and inconvenienced by this...it is not my fault that he made a unilateral decision that affected both of us and he is comfortable with that decision. He never allowed me the chance to get to the same point with him. He struggled with his choice and finally got there and then told me...I am at the beginning not the end.

I am glad he is upset and that this will ruin his schedule. He owes it to me...to help me have closure. I wish he hurt as much as I did...I actually wish we could have come to this decision together and then we would both be at peace.

So I am left with this "best friend" of 20+ years who I gave my heart and soul to twice and got hurt twice in the same fashion...a phone call saying it was over out of the blue...I know you will think this is crazy...but as I think about what I want to say...I am not sure what I want to do or say. I always try to see the good in people. and I do not ask for an easy life, but to be a strong person...maybe I should try to ask for the easy life now LOL!...I still have a really hard time understanding how he could do this...I honestly believe it was not his intention to hurt me...but it happened. I desparately want to be able to forgive him...but how? What do you say? How do you let out all the anger and pain and yet allow him to choose to make his own decisions too- even though they hurt me.

I am clearly glad I am in a position that I can see him and yet...he will want to have limits set I am sure. He wants to meet at the airport. I need to be able to talk and not just in such a public place. He will want it to be quick...I want to decide on the timing. I need to be able to say OK -- I am done.

I know in my heart he did not intentionally set out to hurt me all over again. I honestly believe he was completely in love with me and I had his heart and soul. I do think he was telling me the truth that the notion of living like this - him D and me still M - was what drove all this. My problem is not that it happened...but rather how and how quickly. He basically closed up in a month and it makes no sense. I want him to work through that with me and come to closure. That probably will not happen...but how do I say what I need to say?

Any advice on how to start? ...actually the whole beginning, middle and end would be helpful LOL!!

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 12:21pm
Oh- help again...I just got a call and he said he has to do physicals on Friday and can't do it after saying he could. I told him I could do it after the physicals - he said no. He said I was trying to make him do something...I do not see the big deal. He agreed to meet and wanted to do it in the morning. Now the morning is a problem so I am willin got meet him in the afternoon or anytime on Friday. He said he can not do it on Friday. My guess- he has plans he does not want to break and is pissed.

So he agreed to meet tomorrow. I can fly down there and be there about noon and get a flight back around 7pm. I thought I had a day to figure it out. He said he realizes that I am hurting and he is sorry but getting together is not necessarily something we have to do. I told him I need to do it.

I wish I could just talk to a friend about this-- it is all so confusing for me?? Help-- what do you think?

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 12:33pm
Listen, after 25 years (HOLY COW!) I'd say you deserve a face-to-face meeting, honey, so go there & get some closure. From the sounds of it, I would say he has found someone else, so be prepared for that... Good luck to you, I hope you can get a little bit of peace from this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 12:46pm
Thanks! I wish he would admit that there was another woman...why would he not admit this???

tb
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 1:42pm
I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for what you are going through! I can totally relate to your need for closure. My A ended about a month ago. Neither of us wanted to end it, but his W found out (for the third time - yikes!) so we really had to. He was able to send me a private email to say goodbye. I didn't reply to it because I was honoring his wishes for NC. But I've found that not being able to say goodbye has left me hanging and I'm struggling to move on. So I think I'm going to call him (seeing him is impossible) and tell him the things I need to say. I'm hoping that telling him these things will give me some closure. Of course, at the same time I'm very scared to do this. I don't want to hurt him, don't want to cause trouble with his W. I've been running over in my mind what I want to say. I plan to keep it short, to the point, and end the conversation with the promise that I'll honor his request for NC from now on. I guess my only suggestion to you is to think very carefully about what you want to say. Get out a piece of paper and write it all down. This will most likely be your only chance. Also, be realistic in your expectations and prepare for the worst.

Good luck to you!!!

Peace

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 2:25pm
I thought I was doing a little better, but the tears are falling again. I keep trying to sort out in my mind what I want to say. Yes- I do not want thing to be over...but they are and that will not change. I think about what I need

1. I need for him to know and see how much pain he has caused me- is that being manipulative-- I honestly do not know. This kind of pain should never happen to anyone once in a lifetime, let alone twice, let alone twice by the same man.

2. I know this probably will sound crazy, but I desparately need to be able to forgive him. It is just part of me. I think that is what is driving me to try to understand it all. BUt how to say this in a way that will be understood given the circumstances is difficult. I am sure he knows how tough this is for me-- I truly believe that-- I have to-- this is a man I have been through hell and back with on multiple occasions and weather so many things with because we had this incredible friendship. But at the same time I am human and I am hurting and sometimes I want to have him hurt like I do...and therefore I say or do something that in a better time and place I would not necessarily do.

So how do you put those things into words that he will understand and in a way that I can move on??

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 3:01pm
You don't sound crazy; the part about needing to be able to forgive him is really important. And after all that you invested in the relationship, you need to understand the why's in order to forgive.

My only advice is, try your best to retain your dignity when you are talking to him; don't give him a reason to dismiss you as "psycho." ;-) It is hard to express your anger and your sadness and all the things going through your mind without going over the edge, I know, but give him a memory of you as a strong woman who has been hurt, someone who deserves a rational explanation from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Wed, 06-09-2004 - 4:18pm
Logically I know that-- but how on earth do you do that?? I want a rational explanation. I want to be able to truly be at peace with this. I have to believe he is a good person - I have spent some many years of my life entwined with him.

I do not know if this will make him defensive- but I want him to see what he did from his perspective too...how he led me on...I have these emails that he sent and I want him to read them and see what he was telling me and why I did what I did.

May 16th

Hi,

Sorry I missed your calls this weekend. I went riding several times, helped xx with baseball a bunch, lifted weights with him, went to a party at one of my friend's house and did not spend much time sitting around. Sounds like you were busy too ..... Hope you got it all done. Tomorrow I have to start cracking the whip on the guys building my house. I need to find someone to biuld a garage for me. Things are tight money-wise so I am not sure what I will be able to get done or not concerning the plans changes and other things I want to do. Ah, such is life, things you want verses things you need.

Speaking of things I need I hope you know how much I love and need you. Have I told you lately you are the best part of my day. I will try to call in the next day or so ...Love you...

May 2

I have been reviewing my day and hoped you had had one at least as good. I got up this morning around 8:00. I cleaned up around the house (barn, that is) a bit then watched a few news shows. The out of doors was beckoning so I saddled up xxx and went for a ride, taking the dogs with me. You should have been here as it was a gorgeous day. Then I washed the dogs, ate a little lunch then threw baseballs for xxx. I just paid a few bills and am now watching a ...movie. If you had been here it may have just been perfect. Sometimes you just cannot have everything.

So, how was your weekend? Did you miss me I hope so? I wish I could talk to you later. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day. I have a meeting with the builder about my house at 8:00 am. I will be up early and plan to call you at work early. I hope you know you are the only one I will ever want or need or love. Don’t ever question that. I am happy that you are in love with a fool like me.

Wanted to let you know I had a little relapse today. I was watching a movie about a teacher and a pulp fiction writer from back in the 1930's. The writer was very eccentric and definitely troubled. He had trouble expressing his feelings. The teacher fell in love with him but by the time he needed her to tell him how she felt she could not say that she still loved him. A very short time later, he shot and killed himself. I sat and cried for 15 minutes. The writer's name was Bob (Robert) Howard. The teacher later wrote a book about their lives and the movie was made and dedicated to her. It was very sad. I just wanted you to know that some things still trouble me deeply and I wish that you will remain patient with me.

Much love,


April 30

YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. I keep thinking about the first time I met you. You and I could have had .....and several other wonderful children. He and they would have been perfect with you as their mother. What was I thinking? Let what I just said sink in, then consider forgiving me for not allowing us to have the life we should have had. Every time I piss you off, every time I hurt your feelings, every time I say things in a manner which causes you pain, take a moment and think about the first five sentences in this paragraph: every single time.



I miss you , want to be with you....

Mar 27

I hope you know that it does not matter to me why you and H do not get along. A part of me really wishes you did get along. I hate to think of you going through what I have been and still am going through. How he feels about you and how you feel about him has nothing to do with us. And between the two of you, maybe it is you and not him that is the problem. Maybe it is him, maybe it is both of you. Does it really matter? It does only if you love him madly and he wants to leave you. And I really did read your note. I am not asking any questions, just observations. Just do not compare our relationship to yours and his. And do not dare insinuate that your (your's and H's) problems will drift into our relationship. I am not just another guy who will bring out the worst in you in a relationship as apparently H has, nice guy or not. I am not him, not like him, am probably the antithesis of him. If he was such a great and wonderfull guy, you would love him forever. The problem is not yours alone. Don't complain about the problem, solve it!

Waiting for you

(This is when I began to think about leaving and getting things in order)

Mar 25,

You are the air I breath, the cool water that quenches my thirst, the fuel that warms me when I am cold, the shelter that protects me from the storm. the friend whom I call my best, and from now on my only lover. You are the one. Respire me, quench me, warm me, protect me, befriend me, love me, as only you can. I will repay you ten fold. Let us embrace each other for our remaining years whether we are physically together or not. I will never leave you again, even in death.

I am forever yours (though I cannot expect you to trust me yet on this), and working hard to earn back your trust and respect

This is why I did not think there was a problem...I knew I was being weird and I knew he was feeling frustrated I just figured I would be able to completely commit soon...

I am not sure he will read these -- but is it fair to ask him to???

tb





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