Night #1, really rough

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Night #1, really rough
8
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 8:22am
Wasnt a good night after ending it with him. For some stupid pathethic reason I thought he would of called to ask why I ended it.

For the first time in my life, I actually looked forward coming to work today, and thats bad.

If Im not making any sense, Im sorry. I just need to get this off my chest and I have noone to talk to about this.

Hope its a good day.

Caring

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:21pm
Why did you think he'd call?

Obviously the relationship wasn't making you happy or you wouldn't have considered ending it. Just try really hard to focus on the good things in your life and also remember what about the relationship was making you sad. Don't give in and call him.

I sometimes think I broke up with my xMM because I thought that he'd realize how important I was to him and decide to be with me. We'd stay apart for days or sometimes just hours and then we'd start it all up again. This push/pull went on for a year and did nothing but make our relationship worse. In the meantime both of us just got unhappier with the situation. Don't do that to yourself. Try really hard to let it go.

I'm sure you're strong enough to do this. Start making connections with friends and filling up your time with activity. One day you'll wake up and realize that you're going to be fine. Trust me...I didn't think I could do it but I did. It works.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:41pm
why did I think he would call? Stupidity on my part I guess. I thought he would ask why since I just told him I couldnt do this anymore. I guess its that fantasy world I was living in.

I just hope this gets easier. Its hard to concentrate and work. But im trying...

thank you.

Caring

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:47pm
It's not stupidity, it's called "wishful thinking." You want some kind of closure, or else you just really are reluctant to let go. Don't be so hard on yourself; this is hard to do. Baby steps.... One day at a time... It will slowly get easier. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 12:47pm
The thing is...he probably will call again after some time to cool off. You need to plan how you're going to react. Just keep the goal in mind...you don't want to start this whole thing up again.

We've all been where you are. You're probably checking your e-mail and caller id every 30 seconds to see if he's made contact. It's hard...I know. It does get easier but it does take time...unfortunately. I always used to wish that feelings had an on/off switch.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:31pm
Does making a list of all the bad things work? I was just wondering. Maybe if I focus on that, this will be easier to deal with.

And yes, your right. Im at work, and every time I get back to my desk I see my message light on and wonder.

Caring

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:39pm
Making lists helped me...I made two lists that I read whenever I got the urge to contact him. One I called the "S**t List" and included all of the things about him I'd ignored because I loved him and wanted to be with him. I also had one called "The Truth" that listed things like he chose his wife instead of me, he has a daughter that he was willing to stay married for. The purpose of the 2nd list was to make me feel so angry and pathetic that I would feel ridiculous if I broke down and called him. (For me pride is a big motivator and if I made keeping my pride a focus it was easier for me not to contact him.)

Another list I made was a list of my qualities. My self-esteem suffered big time as a result of this affair and this list was hard to make. I asked a friend to give me some ideas. My therapist helped, too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 1:59pm
Thats exactly what I need to do, 2 lists. The S**T list will be really long. There are so many things I can think of off hand. USER for starters.

I have very little self esteem and that is something I desperately need to work on. maybe thats why I got into this situations in the first place.

Do you think ending it ever bothers them? Do they get upset?

Caring

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 3:08pm
When we ended the affair, I asked him not to call anymore because it was just too painful. (We'd had a big fight, he told me that he was going to work it out with his wife, but had still called a couple of times just to check in.) He listened to me and didn't call again. I remember feeling like he obviously had just been able to walk away from me with no problem and I wondered how he could do that when I was still in so much pain. I just wanted to talk to him. Then as time went on, I started feeling like I'd feel ridiculous if I contacted him because by then I was probably just a memory. I've since talked to him and know that he's had a hard time with this, too. However, I do think that men are better able to compartmentalize their emotions than women. I know that xMM was much more able to focus at work, continue riding his bike, and going to the gym, etc., than I was. All I wanted to do was hide and cry. I know it bothered him, but it wasn't nearly to the extent that it bothered me.

The hardest part for me was trying to sift through all of the sweet things and the awful things that he'd said to me and deciding what was the "truth." I drove myself crazy with that for a while. Finally I decided that the truth was not in what he'd said but in his actions. He chose "his family" not me. That was the bottom line. That reality was a harsh thing to accept but it was the truth. Since then his wife has filed for divorce and he and I have started spending a little time together again. I have really hardened my heart toward him though. Part of it is because we had a horrible fight and I haven't forgiven some of the things he said, but I also am very aware that he would still be trying to work on his marriage if he wife hadn't forced the issue. Again, he did not choose to be with me.