That's my new mantra for my latest attempt at NC. "The nightmare is over"..... and I ended it. When ever I feel the emptiness, I think that and it really helps to make it pass. It may seem negative but actually it is simply realistic and empowering. The fantasy, the "Dream", was, in the end and during the whole two years, so much more painful than good. The positive moments, what I call the "fixes", were indeed like a drug addiction. The grasping at any thread of hope no matter how improbable, utterly humiliating. The rollercoaster of his marriage, hell. Hanging in there for him. Getting him through the birth of his children. Being stong for him. Being his "good girl", while my marriage suffered and I was miserable. Poor him. I know he hurts because he loves me, but you know what... that is MY merit, not his. He loves me because I am lovable, and it has taken me 39 years to get to be this person. He didn't invent me. I do believe that he has positive traits, but I know I would never be able to trust him. As much synergy as we share, he would never be make as good a life partner as my husband is, even on a bad day. XMM lies and manipulates and will do anything to have his life the way he wants it. There is a good reason his marriage is horrible and his wife is so unhappy despite having it "all". His last words were an apology for loving me with such abandon that I got hurt. Saying that is just how he is.... a big loving passionate guy. He will always be there for me, whenever I am ready. Even then refusing to take real responsiblity. Even then putting the blame on me for the "friendship" not working.
So my message is to those of you out there searching for a way to make it friendly, I have tried and tried, and now give up. Perhaps you are luckier, and your XMM gives you more to hang on to. But I know that I wasn't moving on with my life, and certainly not my marriage, was actually biding time, holding out for something "better" as long as we were "friends", which in any case meant me being there for him, and him making excuses for not being there for me. He claimed writing me was too painful, but my emails to him were the air he breathed. Even making his neglect into a postive attribute of his. No. It hurts too much. Is too unfair. We work together occasionally... with families often present. Both spouses know, and are very angry and hurt. It is a mess. A nightmare that I can't believe I even got involved with. In addition to letting go of that addiction, I must also stop blaming my husband. Certainly he has his flaws, as does our marriage, but this is about me, my inner problems and fears. I will work on that with my therapist.
XMM has it all ... well he had it all. He is minus one "fill in the blanks of his marriage", supportive, loving, groveling, pliable, door mat. My God, how did I get to this point?
NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNC!
Do you hear me RG?
Lala
I also totally agree that trying to stay "friends" after an affair is just lying to yourself and extending the pain. It's just methadone (couldn't resist!) but you're still an addict.
That was a great post!! I agree, it is very hard to stay friends when there has been so much emotion involved!! Good luck with your marriage. You are sounding great and strong!!
Karry
Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige