No attraction to H
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| Sat, 01-15-2005 - 2:56pm |
I've posted here a few times, but mostly lurk. I don't have anyone to talk to that is objective. I've seen great advice and support on this board and it has helped me to see my A for what it really was. A fantasy.
I was in an A for nine months. It ended a couple months ago. I left my H, and
a part of me knows I could make my M work if I want to. H loves me very much and is willing to do whatever it takes to get me back.
The only drawback for me is that I'm not attracted to him, at all. I really never have been. He's a very good man, and there was never any abuse or anything, I just don't feel physically attracted to him.
I was very attracted to xMM and for the first time in my life I discovered passion. There had never been any passion in any of my previous relationsips. (of course MM said the samething. *rolling eyes*) That is what I find I miss most from xMM. I'm not sure I can "settle" for a passionless relationship now. Part of me says I should be glad for the experience, and be content with that. Another part of me says I should go ahead with a D and maybe I will find that again with someone else.
I'm very confused on this one issue. If it wasn't for that, I would have no doubt what to do. Any input would be greatly appreciated! TIA!
Owl

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If you have no passion now for your H you probably never will. I had passion for my H when we were first together but it is not there anymore. I do not love him and do not even want him to touch me. At first I thought it was because of the A and the passion I have for my MM but the A only made me open my eyes to the fact that I will never be happy with him...that I do not love him and I need to get out and find someone who makes me happy and that I have great passion with.
Why are you not with your MM anymore?
Sometimes I think we women stay with our H and just settle because we do not know that we are missing out on the passion and romance. When we meet someone we are attracted to and they make us feel special and wanted we begin to question the things in our M that we do not have anymore...like passion!!
I may not have the best A with MM but I do know how I feel when I see him and the way he makes me feel when we kiss. I haven't had that in a long time with H and it makes me realize that I want that and need that in my life. YOu can find that with someone else and why should you settle for anything less?
We all deserve to be happy and to be loved by someone we have passion for and with. I know that I will be getting a D soon and I also know that I can find someone that makes me feel the way my MM does!!!!
if you dont have passion for your husband, you have no business going back into a relationship with him just because you "can". Not fair to HIM. Let HIM find someone who has passion for him. Be on your own! Why weigh him down? I dont get this at all. But then again Ive been on my own and never relied on anyone for the basic shelter etc. Why settle now when you had an affair to get away from a passionless marriage. NOW you are thinking about going back? just because you dont have that other thing on the side? Have you not learned anything? Or is this how a serial cheater starts...hmmm..think about it. I wonder if this is how my exMM started because i know he "loved" her but has no passion for her. I am sure she is a very nice person too. But he admitted he was chicken about being on his own. He is a serial cheater and dumped me when I wouldn't make him face his own music about perhaps after trying with her, divorcing her and being on his own for 6 months with NO GIRLFRIEND...not even me. He couldn't do it. He says he is getting divorced but he is with a single woman with kids now...yeah..he'll get divorced my ass...as soon as she grows weary of this crap. He will be gone onto the next one. He is extremely charming and knows it. The most charming guy ive ever known. He will always resort to that. I am so sad.
Lizzie
Lizzie,
I know it's not fair to him! I want him to find someone that will love him and have passion for him. He says he doesn't want anyone else. He has passion for me. I'm very
torn between going back, or staying out.
When I talk to him on the phone, I think it can be ok. When I see him, I don't think I can do it. I don't want to go back because I don't have my xMM anymore. I really want to take the time to get "me" back. The me I lost when I got into this A. I don't want to settle, but like a previous poster said, was the passion because of the "forbidden" love? I've never felt like that before, I like it, and I'm having a hard time convincing myself that I could be happy in a relationship that isn't fulfilling anymore.
Believe me, even though I'm feeling very burned by the A, I wonder if my wandering eye wouldn't only be made worse by going back to H. I'm trying to learn from this, so that I don't become a serial cheater. I also don't want to put H through this again in a year or so because I made the mistake of coming back. I feel like I have a chance to take my life in a totally new direction. There is something about him that makes me have a hard time saying "No, I really don't want this M anymore"
Right now, I don't have any desire to be involved with anyone, but in time, I think I would, and no, that's not fair to my H. So, I guess I've answered my own question, and now have to find the strength and courage to do the right thing. Thanks Lizzie!
I was just wondering if anyone else had been through that, and had it work out ok.
Owl
I've always had a great passion for my H, and I thought he was one of the best looking and sexiest men I have ever known. Only once in our 10 yr M did those feelings change- and that was when I was in the A.
They started subtly, I was able to be with xMM and H both. But gradually my feelings for xMM grew to such a level that I didn't want anything physical to do with my H at all. It's not our H's, I don't think. I think it's the newness of any relationship- the passion is what keeps us going like a drug. All the passion you think you feel for your xMM would fade away with time too if you had a real relationship. I wasn't looking for something physical when I met my xMM. But once it turns into that, and it's wild and exciting and makes you want to do it every stolen chance you get, the obsession turns off any other desire you might have left for your H.
I feel badly about that. I wish I could get it back with H. He has moved out recently because he has always battled a drug addiction, and I can't take it anymore. But at the end, when the NC was kicking in from the A, I was starting to get feelings back for my H. I know the passion could have come back if we'd had the chance.
The key is: stay away from the xMM. Try not to romanticize the A. Try to remember that you more than likely felt the same kind of things about your H once before. I know it takes time to get the xMM out of your head, and your bed, but I think that's another thing that gets better as the days go by.
JMHO,
Breathe
Owl
Have you ever been tested for ADD they fact that ALL you relationships have lacked passion could suggest that you need the extra stimulation of the forbidden to get a real rise from a relationship.
If you do have ADD or something like it leaving your husband and having a normal relationship is not going to fix it.
Free
Hi Free,
I've often wondered if I have ADD as I seem to exhibit some of the symptoms. I've never been formally tested for it.
Right now, I'm not sure I even know what a normal relationship is. I don't seem to know much about anything. I'm just very tired of all the stress that comes along with being in an affair, and the aftermath. I knew what I was getting myself into and that makes it even worse.
I am doing much better as far as keeping xMM out of my head, at least most days. Without his influence, I am starting very slowly to think more clearly. Other times I feel like I think way too much.
Owl
Owl
We all knew what we were getting into but it did not stop any of us so you seem to fit the norm, the best anyone can do is to learn from our mistakes and not repeat them.
Over time you will regain yourself you may find your not entirely the same person who got into the muck of an affair maybe a little more jaded but hopefully a little wiser to.
Recovery has its up days and it's down days but the ups will keep increasing over time if you keep XMM out of your life.
As for the ADD something to look into.
Free
I thought I was the only one having a problem with passion with my H after my A. I was just thinking about this today. It's one of the things I have been talking with my T about. My H doesn't know that I feel this way and I'm not sure what he would do/say if he knew that I don't love him anymore. I'm trying everything I can to love him again. I know that he is taking me for granted (thus probably the reason for the A) and this makes it hard to be passionate with him.
My "co-workers" (I say it like that because we all work for the same company but work from hom) have a booth at a Bridal Expo this weekend. I almost lost it this morning when we were setting up because some of the music that was being played reminded me so much of my XMM. I couldn't wait till the expo was done so I could have a good cry on my way home. I have to go back tomorrow and I hope I can keep my composure. My XMM was always so supportive of me having my own home business and doing these expos. He would give me pep talks before them b/c he knew I was very nervous. He gave me such confidence in myself, I felt like I could do anything.
Wish me luck for tomorrow!
Dallas
Dallas
You have not accomplished what you have through luck or XMMs pep talks you did it through personal ability and hard work, take credit and a little pride for what you have done.
You can call it take you for granted but it could also be called trust !!
Free
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