No big "moment"? Indifference!

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Registered: 04-03-2003
No big "moment"? Indifference!
7
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 6:56pm

Ever since i posted the "i did it" thread i couldn't name the strange emotion i have been feeling. Yes, i still care for mm, yes i know he does me, yes the drastic reduction in contact is strange. But i find myself feeling like...well..."whatever" about it. When i read ID's post i realized...it's indifference!!!

The last few weeks i was suddenly so, so sad. i think before that i was in denial and then i was in anger/depression. And lately i am in this strange stage of "whatever". There was no big "AHA!" moment that got me here....i'm just here. Until i read ID's post i had no idea why this was, but i think i have reached the land of indifference. He can move. He can walk 1000 miles away for all i care. i have feelings for him yes, but there comes a point where the feelings don't matter, cuz they aren't followed up with any action from his end.

Thanks for reading, you guys help me pass my evenings,
jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 8:32pm
And sometimes, some of us are so tired out..so worn out from the roller coaster ride..that we feel very little anymore in regard to that other person..I became worn out..after four years of push me away, pull me back.. I just became too worn out to feel much else in regard to him. He had hoped and requested that I be in his life forever, as his friend, as someone on his "side"..and all his pushing and pulling wrecked any chance of that ever happening.. I feel so little anymore- in regard to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 9:19pm

~Jennylynnk~

When you have reached the "indifference"stage....you are so close to the "acceptance" stage you could rub elbows with it. Indifference is what pulled me out of my funk and into the reality I had been avoiding for years. It is here where the pain desists. Freud would probably call it a defense mechanism, (actually, I think he does ;) but whatever.....it works. I was able to feel this way after many months of still being involved with XMM, but in the midst of knowing it was going to end, I was able to "mentally give him the finger" after each encounter....this in of itself alerted me to the fact that I had had enough of the pain...and *KNEW* it was only a matter of time...,

One day I just ended it.....but forgot to tell him...(BAD ID!!!) The only trump card I had left to play was waiting to see if he even saw the difference in my behavior toward him. 2 weeks passed by (where I didn't encourage a meeting, or flirt with him at work) and low and behold....he never even noticed. (a real kick to the EGO - I might add ;). OH GEE....and what a surprise....NOT! (DENIAL at it's best). I knew if I backed off....he would be his conflict-avoidance self and cowardly not ask, "What wrong?" So.....2 weeks went into another 2 weeks where I had a headache, or needed space, or whatever... Eventually....it just died for me and the indiffernce was finally set in stone. When he finally found his "manliness" and confronted me with the 'ol shoulder rub (a sure sign that he wanted some), I very nonchalantly said, " Get your hands off of me." I thought he was going to cry.....<<<>>> ;)

From that point on, the affair became history. It took 4 months until he got up enough courage to tell me he was grieving the loss of "US." Are these men just slow or terminally brain dead? Nevermind....

Truth be told, affairs will eventually burn out because they have nowhere to go but down. It's not like we can take it to another level....they are limited and constricted unless families are ruined to get what you want. I could have never accepted that....I got out before the possible destruction.

Hang in there. It does get better with time. There will always be an underlying, undefinable sadness, but that is all part of letting go of something you really wanted once upon a time. The end of a dream...a fantasy...and eventually you realize....a very serious error in judgement...

**Id**




Edited 5/5/2005 10:12 am ET ET by id_diosyncrity

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2004
Wed, 05-04-2005 - 9:52pm

You know I completely agree. Slowly, I become more and more indifferent to what my MM says to me no matter how romantic. I am colder and colder when he calls. There is still sadness in my voice though. But when we get off the phone, I am mentally cursing him for the pain he causes me.

How can I be so sensitive to his voice and become so sad only when I hear him yet want nothing more than revenge and to step all over him? All I know, is you're correct, there is nowhere to go but down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 9:00am

I haven't got to the indifference stage yet, but I am doing better. I just wish I could get him off my mind. I could really relate to last paragraph:

"How can I be so sensitive to his voice and become so sad only when I hear him yet want nothing more than revenge and to step all over him?"

I go from missing my friend to wanting him to burn in hell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 9:28am

ID!!

OMG! You crack me up! That's just what I needed to read this morning! I'm only on Day 4, but it's getting easier, as long as I stay busy. It's when I'm bored that the feelings start to creep up.

I was thinking about the course of our "relationship", me and MM, and realized I didn't really see him that often particularly now that I work someplace else. So why is this time "apart" any different? I know I could still call him if I want, or he call me . ..but funny enough that URGE is slowly disintegrating. Hmmm . . . could it be I'm moving toward indifference?

BUT, here's the crappy part, I actually started to wonder if someone else took my place. That's my own insecurity, I know. Nobody likes their ego to get stomped on . . . .

Anyhoo, I'm doing ok . . .dealing . . . these boards sure do help A LOT!

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 11:31am

You wrote:

>>> ;)

From that point on, the affair became history. It took 4 months until he got up enough courage to tell me he was grieving the loss of "US.">

----

So Id, tell me... did you ever have a "big" talk with him about why you are ending it etc either during the "hands off" time or 4 months later when he said he was grieving the loss?. I know, I know, closure is overrated. I'm just interested to know what his reaction was since you have to keep working with him. Were the months after very ackward? I ask because when xMM and I stopped for 3 or so years, it was very ackward.

You also joked that he didn't feel guilty about the A. My xMM didn't either - ever since day 1, 9 years ago, he has not felt guilty about it. He thinks it's because he and his wife have been through "too much." I've always thought the 'not feeling guilty' was a red flag (sorry, red flags weren't allowed in my fantasy so I dismissed it).

You also asked if I was doing better.... I am, I really am. I think I only cried once or twice yesterday.

However, I still have a bunch of work ahead of me. I have not "officially" gone NC yet though - so that still awaits me. Mine is sort of confusing since he doesn't talk to me on personal stuff often now. Most of the A occurs during these trips.

So my options are: I can say it's over in my mind (did that), I can announce to him "it's over" (haven't done that yet), or I can just wait until the next work trip and then tell him. I am going to get out of any trips that I can possibly avoid with him. It may be that I don't see him until Dec of this year, or Jan 2006.

He does call some - and while it's all work that we discuss, I know he's calling to "check in" too. I do feel like something is hanging over my head - and I want the satisfaction of him knowing I called it "over"... but it also seems silly to tell him "I don't want any personal contact" when he's not really doing that now.

Indifference would tell me to let it all go - who cares who has said what - just let it all drop and move on. I'm almost there too. I have repeated over and over that I'm moving on without him *forever*, and know what? I'm almost to "acceptance" on that too.

I have felt closer to my H lately as well. Things are good.

The trips are the test - for the first time though I see things clearly. I *almost* wish there was a trip now that I could tell him and test myself and get beyond it.

WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 12:35pm

~WIP~

You are the only one who can guage the level of intensity in your feelings. If it's time to pull the plug, then hesitating will only lead to indecision. You can end it without literally speaking the words.....(ALL DECISIONS TAKE PLACE IN THE MIND FIRST!!)

<<>>

No. After 4 months, explainations would have been irrelevant. Besides, actions ALWAYS speak louder than words, and my disengagement from the situation had said it all. He never asked, I never volunteered. It was a silent agreement, one we had touched upon in the beginning where we stated that if anyone wanted out..."So be it."

<<>>

What do you mean by officially? You can't go complete NC when you work with them, but you CAN set boundaries in what will be discussed.

<>>>

But this is a *good* thing. Not much you'd have to alter then during conversations.

<<>>

ONLY if you let it occur. By the time you take another one, you should be strong enough to tell him you are no longer his traveling booty-call. Stay at different hotels. I don't understand the problem?

<<>>

And this will continue to get better and better once MM is purged from your system. The more you distance yourself from his crap, the clearer your vision becomes. OPEN up those windows of truth so you can clear those affair fumes before you intentionally "gas" yourself ;)

**Id**