No contact

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
No contact
6
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 12:42pm
So this is my second day of NC, I went to court yesterday and finalized my divorce and realized it was the first day of the rest of my life and I do not want his W's left overs. We have been together 3 years, my marriage broke up because of the A and he can not give me anything in return. I really needed him over the weekend and he promised he would be there for support, but NOPE. ALl he has done to me over the past 3 years is emotionally beat me down tomake me feel like I should be thankful for him, he tells me things like no other ma would want me with 2 kids and all men want from me is sex and he loves me....blah blah blah. I realized after court that the last 2 year my life has been on hold with the divorce and being his side thing, he is sooo controlling if I do not answer the phone when he calls me he gets so angry, I am suppose to work and raise my kids, no family functions, no friends nothing. But he can do whatever he wants, call when he wants pick up his phone when he wants, he is unreal. So I texted messaged him yesterday that I am finally single, I will not be the OW anyore when he is single call me. He called my cell I did not pick up then he called me at the office I did not pick up, have not heard from him since. I am sure he will move on to the next. But it hurts it is so hard not to call him, but I have been strong, how do they just move on after three years??
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: carea
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 12:32am
How are you doing today, carea? Are you up to four days now? Be aware that the beginning can be pretty difficult. And it sounds like you'll have a double dose of stress: getting a divorce and going through NC.

Stick around here and read and post. There are some really wonderful, supportive people here going through exactly what you're going through. And we all help each other. I know it may feel like you're all alone, but you're not.

Avatar for stre2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: carea
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 11:31am
Cerea... Welcome to our forum... I'm sorry for not posting to you sooner. How are you doing today? Hopefully, still sticking to NC! There will be a lot of rough bumps along the road but in the end, YOU will be the benefactor of the rewards... I promise :) Being sane again IS a wonderful feeling!

As to your question of how do they just move on? After 3 years, 5 years, or even 10 years... From being on this board, I've learned that the length of time doesn't seem to make any difference they just do. I've also learned that it has a lot to do with living a life of lies... they lie to us and to themselves. By nature, men are better at compartmentalizing their feelings and their life then us females are... BUT, it doesn't mean that we're totally incapable of doing the same.

I wish you continued strength and the ability to put HIM in a little compartment that will forever be out of sight and out of mind :)

Let us know how you're progressing.

Sherry

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: carea
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 11:43am
I've often heard that men are better at compartmentalizing than women. I wonder if it's really true and if it is, I wonder why. Do you think it's something about the way they're raised, Sherry? Could it also be related to their seeming inability to do more than one thing at a time? You know how many things women do, right? We work and raise kids and make social plans and do house chores, etc. and sometimes it seems like we're doing all these things at once.

I forget where I was going with this ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: carea
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 12:09pm
IAD, did you forget where you were going with that thought because you were multi-tasking? LOL!

I think you are VERY right about men compartmentalizing better than women. I was just reading this in "Glamour" (I think - whatever was in the waiting room) - something about men compartmentalizing - it said how the male boss can yell at a male employee about something, then say "so, let's go grab lunch" and the yelled-at guy is not hurt or angry and goes to lunch because one thing had nothing to do with the other. Hmmmmm.

Also I think men are often raised to shut down emotions, where women are encouraged to feel. So men learn to just ignore feelings, turn them off... "big boys don't cry" and all that... it may not be "healthy" all the time, but it certainly helps them when ending relationships. My H has never cried in 18 years - he claims not since he was a toddler... he just has shut that part of himself off and can't access it now even if he wanted to.

My XMM is a prime example of compartmentalizing and shutting down too - not ever allowing himself to FEEL, to be vulnerable to emotion... We actually talked about that a lot. Also that he says he wears a poker face and even if it does hurt or he feels, he never lets anyone know it (whereas I wear my heart on my sleeve and my face shows EVERY emotion right then and there).

Which, if I can manage to remember MY point (LOL) is why I think men often seem to just walk away and maintain NC and seem like they've moved on. It's a skill they learn from a young age - don't allow yourself to feel, don't let one part of your life affect another... It's maybe also how some of them (like my XMM) can have sex with their W and still be sleeping with other women and not have it freak them out - they just don't let one part of their life affect the other parts...

Glinda

Avatar for stre2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: carea
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 1:07pm
IAD... I'm glad that Glinda posted her great analogy because she certainly did do a much better job then I would have done. I do agree that it does have a lot to do with the different ways we were raised. Even though I must say that 20 years from now, I think some things will change because the young men (18 - 21) in today's generation are being more expressive with both their male and female friends... at least that is what I'm seeing with my children and their friends.

Mothers don't seem to mind telling their boys that it's okay to show their emotions when their feelings are hurt... This was definitely not the case 20 years ago.

Glinda, the Glamour (or whatever magazine it was) certainly did explain the differences correctly. I've witnessed it first hand with my H as the boss... when he's chewed out a MALE employee over something and then immediately afterwards tells me we're taking him (employee) and his wife out to dinner to celebrate the great job he did on a recent project... the male employee eagerly accepts the invitation. When the same scenario happens with a FEMALE employee, she in turn will ALWAYS make an excuse of not being able to attend dinner... Her feelings are obviously affected over the two situations (she sees them as one).

What's interesting is that my H just can't understand why the female can't separate the 2 situations... Must be because he's a MALE... LOL

99% of men do apply this same theory (compartmentalizing) to every aspect of their life. IMO, both males and females deal with what is on our plate at any given moment... the thing to keep in mind is that while MALES only put ONE item on their plate at any given moment... FEMALES pile their entire existence onto their plate!

Perhaps the lesson we (females) need to learn is to start with an empty plate and NOT allow ourselves to put more then 3 items on it at one time... Yeah right! LOL

Sherry

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: carea
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 3:59pm
"ALl he has done to me over the past 3 years is emotionally beat me down tomake me feel like I should be thankful for him, he tells me things like no other ma would want me with 2 kids and all men want from me is sex" DON'T BELIEVE THIS HOGWASH!

Keep your resolve dear as a result of your divorce. After reading your post, I feel I have picked the most important part for you to really see. This is not love. If the MM in my life had EVER treated me this way or said anything even remotely close to what you have posted, I WOULD NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN, LET ALONE SEE HIM.

Don't let ANY man take your self esteem and call it love. So many times in my life, I have seen men use the word "love" and with everything else they say, it becomes obvious that they don't have a clue of what love truly means.

Stay strong and do not make contact. ANY FUTURE CONTACT WITH THIS MAN WILL ONLY CONTINUE TO TAKE ALL THAT IS GOOD IN YOU AND TURN IT BAD. Live your life for YOU now and remember that a man who comes into our lives should never complete it, but enhance it. Most importantly, they do not drain from us all that is good that we need to live a healthy life for ourselves.

God speed.

GT