No Contact is Unbearable-Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
No Contact is Unbearable-Help
5
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 9:50am
I have been back and forth on this board for about 6 months now. My A ended last September, but I continued to be friends-haha- with XMM until Tuesday of this week. He resigned from the company and is moving across country. I helped him with this process of interviewing and agreed with his decision. We were making each other miserable seeing each other every day and not being able to get over feelings we should not be having.

I am currently going through a divorce, which is right for me. XMM has young children and is doing the best thing for his family by starting a new life.

I never realized no contact would unleash such an addiction. I literally feel like I have to talk to him, but I know I can't. It seems like such a tragic way to end a relationship that took over my life for the past year., in fact I have been freinds with him for over 5 years so it is like losing a part of myself. This is the first broken heart of my life and is complicated by the failure of my marriage which should have ended years ago.I literally feel ill thinking that I am never going to talk or see XMM again. I have done nothing but cry since Tuesday and just want this pain to be over. You really wonder why we are allowed to fall in love with people we can't have. I knew he would not leave his family, I really did not want that. I have been unprepared for the amount of hurt it takes in letting go. Another complicating factor is that I know how much he is hurting too. We said our good-byes, realizing that our relationship changed the path of our lives forever. We now both have lives that our going in directions that feel like they are out of control. In the midst of all this change we are both losing someone we love and care deeply about.

I know I will stick with no contact, but I really did not realize the amount of hurt I would have to endure. I think we would all love to jump a year into the future to make sure we have some happiness coming our way. I have found strength in reading many of your messages. It is unbelievable how life can become so complicated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 12:39pm
Hello rxgirl2004,

I can relate to where you are as I also work with my MM, which I have recently and finally realized that he is never going to be able to leave his family for me. We have been friends for 8 yrs and although we are just in the start of the 'having to work together like nothing happened stage' I can see us very soon needing to resort to one of us either changing jobs or departments as it is extremely hard when you both feel the same for each other but realize that you just met at wrong times in your lives. I don't know the answer here, I wish that I did. Is there any way the two of you can stay in touch via email or phone? Or would that only be prolonging the suffering that your going to experience at some point anyway? Tough call, and unfortuneately it doesn't sound like your going to be the one to make the best call for you in this case.

Debbie

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:34am
The pain is unbelievable, it's true. But we do survive it. I was involved with a MM for a little over a year. I'm single. He left his wife to be with me but wound up going back for reasons he couldn't quite explain and I that I'll never quite understand. I've never experienced more pain in my life. I'm at nearly 9 months of NC and I'm still not 100% over it. (But I think I'm about 95% over it!) I feel significantly better than I did the first day, week and month. Go easy on yourself. This is a very hard time. Don't expect the pain to end immediately. Be good to yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Forgive yourself. The pain will lessen and the sun will shine again. I promise. (But it will take time and it seems to take longer than everyone thinks it will. Usually.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:51am
Yes, it is hard. But be glad that the both of you are making the right choice. Also, be glad that it didn't end the way so many others have with the wife finding out and him tucking his tail and denying his feelings for you. That would hurt a whole lot more. You are making the right choice. Get busy and stay busy. I know it might sound silly but think about his faults. Concentrate on them and magnify them. Don't make him out to be so great and perfect in your mind. The truth is you will find someone better. He will be better because he will be for you and only you!!!! Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 7:32pm


thanks to all who responded, I am almost through one week, although I found out he is still at work through Friday, but we are being true to our pact. I know he is not perfect, his wife did find out and I am sure he told many lies about me, his feelings etc. For some reason, this does not bother me, he is only human and I was not expecting him to leave her or his kids. I just guess I was suprised by how much I cared for him and how much it hurts to let go. Even though he has acted like a hypocrit at times, I know he cares about me and never intended for us to get hurt the way we have. I feel like I am in withdrawl, I have had moments where I just want to pick up the phone. I need to be strong!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:21pm
HI RX

It really is a form of withdrawl, and like any drug addicte can tell you once you are free of it you will never feel better in your life.

So hang in there you can do it and down the road you will be so glad that you did, just be strong and patient.

Free