NO CONTACT

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
NO CONTACT
22
Sat, 10-16-2010 - 11:55pm

Hey there - I may only be talking to myself right now since many of you are out ENJOYING your lives - and weekend with freedom and peace!! (Ill get there) Since Im newly NoContact - Im reading everything I can get my little internet fingers on...regarding the Concept - and if you all dont mind (not trying to hijack or insert myself as this big ball of NoContact Energy...(Im a zealot - when Im focused on a goal)

I wanted to start a thread that contains EVERYTHING NO CONTACT.

1) so I can come back and read/learn and post what Im going through

2) so that everyone else who's also going through no contact has a one-stop place to come when they're feeling edgy

3) so that all those WISE WOMEN who came before us - can throw down all the tidbits of wisdom they'd like to share or give feedback on.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Sun, 10-17-2010 - 10:00pm

If you’re stuck in a vicious cycle and struggling to get out of your pattern, there will be a number of fears driving you, which if they remain unaddressed and unchallenged, will keep luring you back into the cycle.

That is me in a nutshell!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sun, 10-17-2010 - 10:15pm

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sun, 10-17-2010 - 10:26pm

Dear _______,

I'm so glad to have found you at just the perfect time,
as I have just begun dating a wonderful man (1 month) -
the first after being single for 2 years.

I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship for 3 1/2
years before that & he was not the first of his kind. I have
spent the last 2 years single, healing my inner wounds &
learning & practicing self-love & respect.

Never having been in a drama & trauma free relationship,
this feels a little - ok, a lot - odd to me.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sun, 10-17-2010 - 10:58pm

if loving him means that you can't love
you, it's not worth it.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2009
Sun, 10-17-2010 - 11:07pm

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Sun, 10-17-2010 - 11:16pm

If you want the feeling of rejection to subside and avoid being rejected by men who are unworthy of your time:


1) Take the focus off him and bring it back to you by reminding yourself of exactly
why their behaviour doesn’t work for you. Remind yourself of what you want, how you
want to feel, the boundaries that have been crossed, and their failure to recognise
your value and treat you with love, care, respect, and trust. Make sure your own
actions treat you with what was missing.


2) Opt out of the cycle of chasing them for approval of your worthiness by realising
how unworthy they are. Remind yourself of what you’ve already experienced, what
you know the pattern to be, so that you remember what is highly likely to happen.


3) Stop focusing on the illusion and get real. Pronto! Use the list of things that these
guys are often rejecting (mentioned earlier in the chapter) and start asking yourself
what you really want, because unless you are happy to do without the basics (which
you have actually already attempted), this cannot work. When you romanticise,
inject reality into your thoughts by mentally, or even verbally stating what you know
to be the truth. Write it down if it helps.


4) Start determining your own worth. If you have to force someone to 'attempt' to
recognise your value and they have already opted out or never even opted in, whilst
it may take you some time to process things and overcome the dent to your ego, it's
better to process his behaviour and draw the a conclusion that allows you to move
on.
The fact that he doesn't recognise your value and has chosen to opt out is an
ENORMOUS RED FLAG.


You cannot validate yourself on this man. If he didn't recognise your value when you
were with him, he's certainly not going to recognise it now, and even if he did, what
do you think you will gain from this?


5) Force yourself to get back into the swing of life. Whilst you’re licking your wounds,
obsessing, and potentially wallowing in your perceived rejection, he goes on his merry
way and gets on with his life. If you dwell on what you perceive as 'rejection', it
indicates 'obsessing' which indicates that you are expending serious brainpower
stalling from accepting that the relationship is over because you are too busy looking
for reasons to blame yourself.
If you are serious about eventually being happy and finding and embracing love,
you cannot do this if you don't process the hurt, heal, and move on. Don’t isolate
yourself in thoughts of rejection and instead start doing things to make you feel good
and spending time around people who ‘get’ you.


6) Take one day at a time. You want to fast-forward to no pain or rewind to the hazy
glow of illusion. Break-ups hurt, but they hurt even more if you don't keep it real and
be patient with yourself.


7) Knock him off that pedestal you've built up. It's one thing for him to have an
inflated ego, it's another for you to continuously inflate it by making him out to be
something more than he is. Get real very quickly and you will able to see that many
of the things you value about him, hold no true value for you as they meant nothing
to you for building a relationship.

8) Write down the bad stuff. Carry it in your handbag, put individual incidences on
post-it notes around the house, write them on your mirror in lipstick, create a
screensaver, reminders in your phone or whatever, but writing down the bad stuff is a
reminder of the real him which you can look at and say 'Er...no. I'm rejecting his crap!'


9) Stop being so hard on you and forgive yourself. Assclowns and Mr Unavailable's in
particular, can smell low self-esteem meat from 50 paces.
You want to be treated decently, it starts at home. Stop rejecting yourself by
engaging with these clowns and start treating yourself better. Stop busting your own
proverbial balls because you’re human, you love, you make mistakes, and you get
back up.


Better to have loved and lost someone who didn’t recognise your value and give you
real love, care, trust, and respect, than to have stayed at their side letting them drain
the life out of you.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 1:59am

No more watching the phone. (or carrying it with me everywhere)

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 2:19am

Trust me when I say that you may be worried about looking mean, but you should be more worried about looking like someone who doesn’t know where to draw the line and say ‘enough!’ Yes, it’s harsh but this is you that you’re fighting for. You’re taking back your power, you’re applying boundaries, and you’re behaving like someone who gives a damn about themselves and is acting with love, care, trust, and respect.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 2:25am

You want to know how to remember him?

Take everything you think you know and feel about him.
Remove the potential that you believe he could have.

Remember him how he has been for the majority of the ‘relationship’.

Take out the happy stuff and put it aside for a later date when you don’t give a
monkey’s about him anymore.

Remind yourself of everything that he has failed to deliver and how you have felt
about yourself, love, and relationships during that time.

This is how you remember him – as someone who is incapable of being what you
want him to be, giving you what you want him to give, and saying what you want
him to say.

Remember him as the guy who you are sidelining your own feelings and
desires for. If need be, remember his as an assclown, but whatever you do, just
remember to get real and stay real.

I'm not asking you to hate him. I want you to get real about his behaviour and what
that means to you and the possibility of a relationship, and use that info to move
forward.
He's shown and told you all that you need to know. Let go. That is what closure is
about


Accept the short-term pain because it does pass. Drop this guy out of your life
because if you don't, you will always be in limbo and you won't get proper closure.
You’ve got to feel the pain and work your way through it.

Pretending you’re not in pain either by denying the existence of it or re-immersing
yourself in the relationship or pursuing of it, is not the answer. You can’t stay in denial
and keep living off and investing yourself in the illusions.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 7:55am

Hi

Im really enjoying your posts- very inspirational thank you

You are what you consistently do