no decision FEELS good in the end for MW

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
no decision FEELS good in the end for MW
31
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 1:19pm
Is a reality for a MW here- one that SOME seem to not understand ( esp the single women ) . GEE if it was all so cut and dry to just explain "walking away from a marriage" or "WHY we chose to enter an affiar" - ITS JUST NOT cut and dry. All I know is my experience and I know #1 to enter the affair was a self motivated decison one where all I knew was that I hadnt felt so much love in YEARS and to simply ignore that was impossible . BUT to END the affiar or end my marriage GEE now I have to stand up to REALITY and realize I have to not only consider myself but the other man, husband, my children, relatives, friends, my career, so many items. In the end sorry to say we married people have to sit and weigh out our options as to what is more important - A love that yes feels incredible OR taking away life, stability, a safe secure enviromment, a HOME, a FAMILY - JUST for my own happiness and even if I did chose to go with other man THAT reality isnt anything but a MAYBE!! I am sorry even though I may not be the best person in the world to have the affair I simply am not strong enough to uproot and ruin other peoples lives who are content with the way things are for my own happiness. HOW SELFISH WOULD THAT MAKE ME?

I am sorry but this is one thing alot of us do not admidt here.

I know for a FACT that if I didnt have a marriage and children to consider. I would stay with OM and knowing that hurts like HELL.

I am not being selfish anymore (ie:ended the affair) BUT in my situation REALITY and the decision to go back to my marriage does NOT feel good AT ALL. So for you single people out there who think that we have it made and that we forget about you or that its so easy - you dont have any idea!

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Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 1:48pm
NAH - no one on this board who has been here any length of time thinks yours or any MP's answers are easy to come by. What made you assume that? You are fairly new to this board and let me tell you, it isn't going to help you to get mad at the people here who want to reach out and help you to get through this. We all know it doesn't happen overnight. But we also know what we used that did work. So my recommendation to you is to stick around here, read posts and post yourself to get a true interpretation of what many are saying. You see, not everyone here still needs help. Many are here to give it because they have been where you are. I am divorced, not single and my A didn't happen while I was married. But I do have a handle on what it takes to make marriage work even though I am not in that position with my life right now.

The most important thing for you to get from this board that is first and foremost is this. You have to stop thinking about the OM, and your entire family for right now and think about what IS truly best for you. Whether it takes a month or a year to figure out doesn't matter. What does matter is that you realize your A is over and you begin to deal with the emotional rammifications to come.

Didn't you realize that by having an affair that you were taking huge chances of losing all you mentioned in your post and hurting everyone too? A single person understands what you are going through but you need to understand and respect that they are going through their own grief too and it has everything to do with someone who is in a postion like yours, married and not wanting to make a decision - and many times with confessions of love and a desire to be together. Pain is pain as GLW so eloquently put it whether you are married or single. What causes that pain may be different so the best thing to do is to not allow yourself to take personally what others say, especially those who post who are single. I hope this makes sense to you because again, we do understand and know your struggle.

Hugs,

GT (divorced/single) and ready to help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 2:06pm
It was stated to me a few days ago that if I am so miserable in my marriage or if I am ending my affair strictly for my children that it wouldnt work. Well who is this single /divorced person to know what it feels like AND did I consider the fact that I would be losing that entering the affair yes and I firmly admit all morals and reasoning was thrown out the window I am sure alot of married people didnt go into a affiar thinking they were going to fall in love or that the thought of a permanent relationship with the other person - you just dont think about those things right off the bat you are FEELING. If you were THINKING it wouldnt have happened in the FIRST PLACE!!

You asked a couple of things from me - YOu said "You have to stop thinking about the OM, and your entire family for right now and think about what IS truly best for you." ONCE AGAIN when you have children whats best for you gets put on the WAYSIDE ALOT - what may be best for me may not be best for the long list of other people who would be affected perhaps permanently damaged!

Didn't you realize that by having an affair that you were taking huge chances of losing all you mentioned in your post and hurting everyone too? AGAIN in the beginning NO - once I started WAKING UP yes!

Just seems that some do not understand how torn and trapped one can feel. I am sure alot of those married men feel the same way I do - if they had ONLY their choice/life to consider they would be with you.

Its simply not just the fact that a married person wants sex or a fantasy side relationship to fufill lack of needs and desires in a marriage - people simply are not that callous and cruel no matter what you think. EVERYONE has a heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 2:39pm
Disclaimer: I am married. I don't have children (but I am one of divorced parents).

I hear what you're saying about putting others ahead of you. You feel as though you must if there is any good left in you. How can you hurt the people you love for a little bit of happiness...

However, will the people around you be truly happy to have you when you, in turn, are so misreable and don't want to go back to the marriage. It seems that the current approach might set everyone up for true dysfunction. Unhappy kids b/c mom and dad don't like each other, a husband who is stressing b/c he doesn't know what's going on inside your head - what you're truly thinking about, why you don't show love to him, etc., and then there's you, the unhappiest of the lot...is that really the best thing?

Another thing to think about...if your husband left you tomorrow, do you think you would be unhappy and broken for the rest of your life? No. Life goes on. You would find happiness again, and your kids, while they would be confused and need a lot of support and explaining, would get by too (and would grown up to be normal children, maybe even with an enhanced life at having such an expanded family).

What I'm trying to say above is that it is completely unfair for you to disregard your happiness and WELLBEING b/c you think that if you were to end your marriage your family would crumble, go into mass depression, never be the same, etc., . This won't happen. Well, maybe they wouldn't be the same, but that's okay too. 50% of married people divorce, many many of them have children. The spouses go on, the children go on too.

Now, understanding all this, I would then ask myself, do I still want to be in this marriage and have my family be made up of my current H and my children? If the answer is yes, then what needs to be done so that I AM happy and they are happy as well? What needs to happen between my husband and me so that we can become a better couple? What measurable changes need to happen between us so that I know this is a good decision I have made?

You can't just go back to your family and live your life as you have been. If you do, you're not fixing anything and you will find yourself again in a similar situation years down the road. Your life is short. It will be over before you know it, your kids will be out of the house and living their own lives. What have you accomplished with your own sense of well-being if you haven't addressed the problems you are having right now.

Be true to yourself and make the decision to look at your problems head on. The solutions may not be easy (ie. leaving your family), the solutions may be great (ie. finding love again with your H), but in the end you've tried EVERYTHING and will feel good for the decision you make. Staying in your marriage and not trying to make it better could be even more destructive than walking away for something else.

Good luck!

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 2:52pm
I can totally relate. My situation if very similar. One thing I'm realizing is this...

You say:

I am not being selfish anymore (ie:ended the affair) BUT in my situation REALITY and the decision to go back to my marriage does NOT feel good AT ALL.

I sure know that feeling, but I'm realizing that maybe the trick is figuring out how to 'make it feel good'. Easier said that done, but thats what you and I need to figure out.

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 3:04pm
Okay, now that you got that off your chest, let's look at some meat and potatoes. First and foremost, please don't be mad at me for having my own frustration and situation to deal with. I know all too well that MP who have affairs are not heartless. I was involved with one. There is a vast difference between calling a person down and their behavior. I can love the man, but hate the behavior.

Now on to your response because I have some more food for thought. I am truly glad that something I said got you stirring...even if it stirred up some tough thoughts and ideas. Trust me, I had ladies who flat out ticked me off when I first came here. It isn't a bad thing overall. I know I said some hard things to consider and asked a couple tough questions but I truly do know your pain. I don't know you, but I sure know what it feels like to hurt because you feel like you are sacrificing your very soul! And dang it, I want to help you. So try to take in what I have to say and let down your defenses knowing that what I say here isn't written in stone, but in an effort to help anyway I can. It is who I am and you don't yet know my heart either.

This next thought is my own opinion based on my life experiences and I've said it on this board before. To stay married for your children is certainly an option, but because I am an OW, do you think I haven't heard that before? A few things to consider is this. If you are going to rebuild your marriage and stay for your children because it is not for yourself, then I have a few suggestions. I think it is an honorable thing to do if in fact you are staying married which means you keep your fidelity. That is part of marriage. Otherwise you run the risk of getting caught and your children will surely feel that pain. It is also an honorable decision if the example you are setting for your children is one of a marriage relationship which is healthy. If there is constant bickering, not good. If there is no sleeping in the same room, not good. If there is anything worse happening, terrible! But I feel very strongly about this issue because of one of my daughter's friends who became an adult of a married couple who stayed together just for her and she ended up being diagnosed in college as clinically depressed and is still not right from it. CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE AND LIVE WHAT THEY LEARN. I wouldn't make such a bold statement if it wasn't true. Now, if you are in a marriage that isn't that bad and your children are being raised in a healthy environment, then so be it...more power to you. But I don't believe for one minute that you are going to be able to go through the motions lieing to yourself and being in so much pain and think your children are oblivious to it. They are not. We never give kids enough credit for being able to figure things out. This is exactly why we constantly post on here that you have to make a good decision for yourself because what is good for YOU IS GOOD FOR YOUR CHILDREN!

So I guess your dilemma now is to work to get your heart and mind back together so they are in sync rather than so far apart. You either lead with your heart (feelings) or your mind. And you, just like the MM in my life admitted are torn.

Noangelhere, I would highly recommend you try to seek some counseling for yourself so that you can get perspective on what does and doesn't damage children, especially permanently. I know a lot of adults who have lived very productive lives who came from a divorced couple. Not all who go through divorce end up in jail or on the street. I am LIVING PROOF OF IT!!! So that's who I am. It isn't getting a divorce that will permanently damage your kids, it is how you and your DH handle going through the divorce and if you will keep the worst of it between you. It is about how you deal with your children while it is happening and after. It is about TRULY putting your kids needs first by dealing with a marriage that is dead ( if it truly is ) and finding the courage to move on and find some true inner peace and happiness for yourself. Now if you can be happy in your marriage again, fine. Again, it is totally up to you.

I hope this gives you a little better perspective on what I was saying in my post to you. No one said it was going to be easy. And if we are going to be able to reach out and help you, we have to know what you want and where you truly want to be. It is about you because I know that if you take care of you, your children will thrive.

Hugs and no hard feelings. I got you thinking about your marriage, really thinking. We all have to do that whether it is our own marriage or our A partner's.

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 3:06pm
Thanks for the "nod" GT...

NAH - this is a topic (single vs. married) that has been argued to death here, and what GT said is so so so true... please give this place a chance before you get mad at the people here - I think we've gotten to a place (most of us here) where we all just know that it HURTS to end an affair, whether you're returning to life alone (by your own choice or the OM's) or just trying to be unselfish by returning to a family even if you'd rather be with someone else. There are too many variables in each of our choices... but what GT said (and what I've said all along) is really the bottom line:

Pain is pain, no matter how we got to the end of our affair. I hope you find some comfort here, and some support... I found a lot of both from the married, single, and divorced women of this community...

Glinda (GLW)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 3:14pm
>> You say:

I am not being selfish anymore (ie:ended the affair) BUT in my situation REALITY and the decision to go back to my marriage does NOT feel good AT ALL.

I sure know that feeling, but I'm realizing that maybe the trick is figuring out how to 'make it feel good'. Easier said that done, but thats what you and I need to figure out. <<

ME TOO. Well said Crystal - add me to the list too... NAH if you've read some of my posts, you will see me struggling with how to be happy (or if I CAN be happy) in this marriage of mine. Would I be with my XMM still if I weren't married with kids? You betcha! So fast your head would spin watching me reverse course and return to him! And maybe the "relationship" would be doomed, but I sure as heck wouldn't have walked away from him how and when I did - THAT was about my H and kids, and about my depression - but the depression was about my H and kids and the lies and risks I was taking...

My convoluted point here? (and I DO think I have one) -- I do understand what you're saying NAH - and being unselfish (better late than never, since obviously the affair was completely selfish) is HARD. But maybe, just maybe, if we try, we will remember why we once loved our H and married them... could that be the case, AFTER you heal from the pain of the EMA, for you???

Hugs

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 3:36pm
I like how people say find a hobby or find happiness in something else or within.

What can compare to a love affair??? - certainly not YOGA or church!! I mean really - can you or anyone think of anything that can possibly compare?

I know you meant with our husbands but my dear I honestly do not think or have faith that the feelings I have for om could compete.

Which probably is NOT what you want to hear.

Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 3:53pm
Noangelhere - you have to really step back and realize something. Right now, the emotions you are going through have thrown you for a loop. A love affair is just exactly that. It is based in fantasy when you have another life to go home to, good or bad. And until you get your undieing love for this OM under control even tough the A has ended, you are not going to begin to move forward at all.

Bottomline? You really don't have the right to a love affair outside of your marriage. Oh, you have a right, but you will get burned. Those of us who have been here for any length of time at all know all too well what you have ahead of you. Give yourself some time to let what I call the emotional fog clear before you continue on this defense of yours! Why did you end the A if it was so great? Did you end it? Or was it ended for you?

It really doesn't matter at all how great it FELT to be in a love affair. IT ISN'T REALITY. And facing REALITY is that you are married and until you deal with it regardless of how, you can't have a healthy love affair with anyone.

Hugs to you. God I so remember where you are, what the pain was like and honey I do feel for you. Please don't do anything you would regret by alienating anyone here. Try to work through this pain anyway you can and do reach out and let us help. Let me welcome you with open cyber arms! If you'll just be open minded enough to let us help and be willing to give up this inner fight you are having, I promise you will find inner peace.

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 4:07pm
Oh - I am not mad -frustrated yes because I feel as if some dont not understand a MW's perspective and vice versa. AND how easy it is to blast the MP- but we have no justification for being angry or frusterated- HURT and SAD but anything else GOD FORBID. I know all of us are in pain. I already have gained alot by reading posts here. I just think all around whether you are single or married -its WRONG. Not one way or the other is more justifiable.

I just am a person who at times can be brutally honest - joke on me is just not always with myself- ughhhh!

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