No desire for sex with my H after A :-(
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| Thu, 03-10-2011 - 5:37pm |
How do you rekindle love in a M after an A???
It's almost impossible for me and many would say I should get a D than, but it's not that easy and I'm sure many people in an A after it's exposed stay in it for various reasons. No outsider can tell you otherwise. Just like I always wondered why a BS would stay with their serial cheater H's??? I am sure they have their reasons as well.
But the question remains, an A happens for many different reasons. I tend to believe and my shrink agrees with me on this, it's not always about low self-esteem or because we don't love ourselves. Because than we have a whole lot of folks in this world with low self-esteems than or issues and who doesn't have issues??? We all do (A or no A).
I just find it almost impossible to start loving my H again. Don't get me wrong, I still do love him, but not the way a W should love her H. It's more like "brother and sister love".
I don't crave him anymore, and I find just about every excuse, like going to bed really late every night, just so I can dodge sex. My H is always the one who initiates it and it has gotten to the point that we are literally down to like having sex once a month that's quick and to the point.
He knows about my A, by the way, so we are both struggling with this. And once again D is out of the question (we have a kid that would be hurt by this the most!) and honestly, like I mentioned before we have our own reasons why we can't have the D.
So, I literally got to the point of just letting the sex go in my life and if I don't ever do it again, so be it. I know this void will always be there in my life, but things could be a lot worst I guess. I doubt we are the only couple out there sexless in a marriage.
I just can't force myself to fall back in love with my H, when it has to come from the heart. I actually read in one of my many A books about women in A's do have a hard time being in love with 2 men at the same time. Even now that my A is over I still don't crave my H in bed.
I know xMM is/was was never the solution to this, but still. Than how come I still feel the desire for him and not my H.
I had to let this out. I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way about this.
Thanks for reading...

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Thanks for your feedback Kim!
A little history about me and past relationships, because I do believe there is a reason why I feel the way I feel about sex now, vs. 15+ years ago.
I met my H young (in College) and before him I have had sexual partners going back to High School. But at age 16 sex is VERY different vs. in my 30's and close to my 40's now. So, it's not really about a consistent pattern, it's more like I was a teen when I started sex and it's so much different now in my 30's. Also, I have changed as a woman (we all do), if you met me 15+ years ago, my needs and wants were different in everything in life, than it is now. It's true what they say about women peek in their 30's.
Without getting into too much details, as it would just bring up memories for me, which I don't want, it was different with xMM, which I can't really explain, or I should say if I said it was passionate I know that's just the illusion about A's. For me, it wasn't.
Many things I don't have the answers too, even my shrink doesn't, that's why I am going session after session to figure that out.
On one part here is my H who is a good man, who treats me like all women wanna be treated, yet I am attracted to xMM, the "evil-doer". It's like how we see these beautiful women in Hollywood attracted to the bad boys. I don't know.
To me I wasn't getting the high's in the A from the secrecy. Actually xMM was. He always used to tell me how he loves taking the risk and the "almost getting caught" feeling.
I once again have to think why sex was different with xMM than with any of the previous men I was with before, it really comes down to the fact that what did I know about sex at age 16, that I know now in my late 30's. It's a whole different ball game.
I am being honest and I do think many of us married folks who were in an A (whether we wanna admit it, or not) at some point we all get bored in our M's. I mentioned to my T that I always read on these A boards how people in A's have low self-esteem's or that we don't love ourselves. I tend to believe that's not the case with every one of us. We all have our reasons why we did what we did. Mine was that I was bored in my M! Simple as that!
Maybe because I wanted to feel that being in love all over again. Being with my H this long that's all gone and I really don't remember if we ever had that. Once again we met young.
I would think that if my H was the only man I have slept with before meeting xMM, that I would be wrong. I couldn't compare him to anyone else, but my H. But there were a handful of men I can compare in my life sexually and xMM still tops that (A or no A).
I hate to compare my situation to some Hollywood movie, but the closest answer I can come up with is how Meryl Steep felt in Bridges of Madison County. She catered to her H and children all her life, it was dull, boring, ordinary and here came Clint Eastwood. She wanted to leave her M, but she didn't have the strength. Part of her held her back, maybe out of guilt of walking out on a good H who wasn't to blame, or maybe simply just for security. That's another reason why many of us can't just get a D. Believe me, I thought about it, than what? It wouldn't be the solution to all this and to me I would destroy not just my H, but my kid's life. I feel that I rather live in a boring M, than to have my D grow up in a broken home. Maybe that's not a good enough answer to many, but to me it is. I would give up sex too, and I don't even care to be honest with you.
And I also thought that if we got a D, than xMM wins!!!
I always say to myself when I hear my friends look up to us how "happy" we are, "If they only knew the whole story". But believe me, as much as my H and I don't have that spark in the bedroom, but overall we are fun, just not sexually.
Yes, I tell my H everything now, how I feel, and why I don't initiate anymore, etc. It hurts him like hell and no I am not doing it on purpose to torture/hurt him, I am being honest!!!
But I have thought about it though that he will one day reach a limit when he will have enough, i.e. if we have no sex. What man would agree to be in such a marriage? I doubt many.
Right now the middle ground is that I agree to him having sex with me once a month and it's more like a chore than making love. I know this sounds pretty sad, but am being brutally honest here about my feelings.
Maybe I am naive, but I always thought that if we really got to the point of a D, that something super drastic had to happen, like he would beat me, or do something to our child, or what not. We get along in everything else great, but sex. But should that be a reason to leave??? I highly doubt people who have been M for way over 15+ years still have a fantastic sex life, at least not in my circle of friends.
Yeah, to tell you the truth, yes, if I had to give up sex for the rest of my life, it really makes no difference for me! Even my A wasn't based on sex (maybe for xMM it was, but not for me). It was just way more better with him than with any other man.
I know that my H isn't happy that we barely do it now, but I told him, would it be better if we had sex and I pretend I like it??? I think that's worst. I would be a fake!
Oh, believe me, my H and I are VERY open about discussing sex. Heck, we go to strip clubs together and like I said I am not even jealous. We are not even religious either, so sex is something very openly discussed between us.
We are all different. For me, I still can't stomach how a relationship can be repaired after an A. I even asked my H how he is not repulsed by me that another man slept with me? And while he said he was in the beginning, but not anymore.
I am also an emotional person, so I have to have tremendous amount of feeling for someone in order for me to sleep with them. That's why I never even had a one-night stand.
Yes, for me, the sparks have to come naturally. I can't work on them. For me, being in love has to come from the heart, not being worked on. Sorry, that's just me. I may sound hard-headed here, but as I said we are all different.
It's true and I agree with you. If we keep saying we can't, than we really won't succeed. Maybe for me my sex life with my H has run it's course and the A was really just the icing on the cake.
I wouldn't say I am 100% unhappy in my M, I am just not happy sexually in my M. But it's still not a good enough reason for me to get a D.
I didn't mean to sound too harsh. I sometimes have that impact on people that they think I am being defensive about things. It's different talking thru an Internet site, vs. in person.
Just being honest about my answers and how I feel.
Thanks for your kind words!
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