No Drama

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011
No Drama
14
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 9:15pm

Hi all,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
In reply to: alone86
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 9:39pm
Welcome to our board. I can feel your pain in the words you have written, and I am so glad that you found your way here, and that you are committed to ending your affair.

"And what is so different between me and some skanky ho who relished sleeping with a MM? Does it matter that I resisted his advances for two years, ceased all contacts when I moved out to another country, and when we did get in touch again, told him to try harder to work on his marriage??"

In the end, we are all the same, whether we professed love, whether we planned to leave our partners, or not, whether we were the cake-eaters or the enables. WE WERE ALL THE SAME.

While we are each unique individuals, and the nuances of the affair may have been different - in the end, they are all the same. They all involve using deceit against those who trust us the most so that we may find selfish, SELF-serving gratification in using another's loved one.

You sound so clear in your purpose and intent. It's a real insight to recognize that your guilt will be your cross to bear, and the challenge will be to use that guilt & remorse to propel you into counseling. You owe it to yourself, your family, his family, to get to the bottom of your destructive choices.

I have found redemption in re-investing like never before in my real life, giving back to this community, and working to heal the hurts that pulled me toward an affair. I volunteer, donate more & give thanks for all the blessings in my life that I took advantage of while in my affair. It will NEVER repair the damage that I did to so many people, two entire families are dealing with the knowledge of the affair, but it is what I can do NOW to make peace with myself - with my own humanity.

More days than not, I see forgiveness as a possibility for myself one day. Remaining stuck in shame will not heal others, or release us from the burden of our choices, but with effort & time, I believe we can reach healthier places than we were prior to our affairs. Our affairs weren't the problem, they were manifestations of much deeper hurts.

Please stay with us here.

((HUGS))

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011
In reply to: alone86
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 10:10pm

Transcended...thanks for your kind words. Like you said, the real problem here is forgiveness. I have been trying to forgive myself...finding every excuse and rationale that "it wasn't so bad" since nobody really knows...no family is destroyed. But my sub-conscience does not let me off the hook that easily. How could I? That's what I have been asking myself. He was not the first MM made a pass, so why this time I succumbed? Sure, I was struggling with an irrelevant problem when we met, but it was not the first time I had to deal with such a thing. It was not love at first sight, not for me anyway. I could not find any other reason behind it all but at that time I was so self-absorbed, I felt I was entitled to distract myself with a little bit of fun with a man who happened to be married. How awful does that sound? But I have to be honest with myself. The thing is, I have never thought I would be that selfish. I volunteer, I spare my money for charity, I consider myself a good friend, a good daughter, who always put everyone I love before me. I'm hopeful that one day I would stop beating myself up over this. I'm hopeful that I will not succumb to his pleading email again, because I have always known the best thing for him to do is to forget me and focus on his family. The saddest part is, I know that he or other MM will just move on to another OW, not even lose a goodnight's sleep. The last time I talked to him, I asked him to say that he regretted what happened...but he said he would never regret it. And that was it. I was disgusted. A person like that cannot be my friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010
In reply to: alone86
Wed, 02-23-2011 - 10:22pm

Hello Alone,

Welcome to EAS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
In reply to: alone86
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 7:30am

Alone,
I'm consfused as to the message you are sending to yourself. You say "this is not a full-blown affair" and list all the justifications that you think that - you even go on to say that you do not love him....

An A is an A is an A. A's are defined as a relationship with another person outside the bounds of matrimony, while married. YOU HAD A FULL BLOWN A.

it also bothers me - that you put the blame on him for it ("it was all his talks, not mine")

No you have not had a dday yet - but read the dday thread in the healing library - there is no limit on the time between ending and a dday - so just because it has not occured does not mean you are scot-free.

You knowingly had an inappropriate relationship with a married man, who you do not love, but care for - this screams bigger issues. No it does not matter that you passed by two years of advances - because the moment you said yes - it was what it was. And yes it is petty of you to complain about his wife - because in the end SHE is his wife.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011
In reply to: alone86
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 1:02pm

Hi Markscloud, thank you for the warm welcome. You said it, that's how I always feel...we are just good people who made bad decisions. And I am paying the price every night when I go to sleep. I will try journaling and see how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
In reply to: alone86
Thu, 02-24-2011 - 1:51pm

Dear Alone,

First off, I hope you know that you are no longer "alone" now that you have found us. :smileywink:

<>

Actually this is a good thing even though it is uncomfortable. Many on here have said they wished they felt some kind of guilt, and guess what? Eventually they do once they start peeling back the layers of denial that has been covering up the truth of their actions. If you are already feeling it, then this means you are all the more closer to forgiveness, of yourself and Xmm.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2011
In reply to: alone86
Sun, 02-27-2011 - 7:21pm

Hi Iddy,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
In reply to: alone86
Sun, 02-27-2011 - 11:23pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
In reply to: alone86
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 7:45am

Iam,

While I generally agree with what you have to say--especially over on MAS--I am going to disagree with you here. You have no idea if this guy was "on the prowl" or not. He may have been missing something inside, too, and the connection came as a result of two broken people seeing something attractive in each other. That's when the dance of deception starts. I dont think you can paint every xAP as a man on the prowl. I think many of us didn't even realize how vulnerable we were until presented with an opportunity. It doesn't mean we were seeking it. I think the same can be said for men.

What's more important than trying to figure out what xAPs agenda was, is to figure out what our agenda was. Why did WE actively step into the role of mistress and adulterer. His motivations should not be Alone's concern. Her motives should be.

Respectfully,

~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2008
In reply to: alone86
Mon, 02-28-2011 - 8:45am

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