"No Friendship": A Trump Card

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
"No Friendship": A Trump Card
11
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 3:19pm

All,

I finally, finally did it. I told xMM to stop all non work communication. BTW, by most people's definition all non work communication really already stopped months ago.

I know xMM though... and he thinks calling once a week (even if it's to talk business) is "friendship" and "reaching out." Occasionally he'd throw in a "how ya doing?"... then he'd walk away feeling he'd done this nice thing for me. I hated it and was sometimes crying afterwards.

I finally put my foot down (in an even, non angry, and actually very pleasant tone). I told him I'm ready to move on. That I was sorry I'd done this for so long and that the only way I can correct this is to stop. That I care about him and this is in his and my best interest. That went over fine.

Then I said, I want the "friendship" to end too (I put friendship in quotes because, again, what we had was not what most would classify as friendship but my xMM did think it was). That confused him and he said he needed to think about it. I assured him that things would not be that different. We'd continue to communicate work-wise but there was no reason to call me anymore to "check in" etc.

I've heard it mentioned before on this board, but why is saying "no friendship" such a big deal? (Free, I think you said it to someone that you weren't surprised it got a big reaction when they said "no" to friendship too with their xMM).

Is it that I'm slamming the door without crack to pry it open again? Is it that he sees I can walk away and am okay without him? I'm confused why this is *such* a big deal... esp since in my situation there was almost no friendship anyway!

I feel good (mostly)!! WIP

P.S. I have to confide, I said it a lot more confidently then I felt (I didn't cry and I didn't leave it open for discussion). I'm still kind of hurting though... after 9 years it's closing a chapter. And opening another --> My H deserves this and I feel good for doing it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 4:53pm

WIP

What you did was both tough and couragous (sp), but it was something you needed to do.

Why is it so hard for the AP to accept this: I think at least in some cases they have a hard time accepting the loss of POWER in your HEAD/HEART and the wammy of rejection, they were in the affair to get something from you and you told them NO, certain types of people have a real problem with being told you don't matter in my life anymore.

You did what you had to for you and your husband to have a real future not just more years of living a LIE.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 5:58pm

"My H deserves this and I feel good for doing it."..........Both H and you deserve this. Congratulations and best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 6:08pm
While I agree that you deserve the congratulations, what about your H? I mean you made the choice to have the A does your H deserve the choice as to whether or not he wants to remain married? Nine years is a very long time and if it was me I would question just how much of the M is left, moreover how could someone say she loved me and continue an A for nine years? Doesn't he have a right to decide what to do with his next nine years and the rest of his life? I am NOT trying to slam you, I honestly want to know doesn't he deserve the same thing you have had, choice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 8:22pm

toimon,

I agree with what you've written. 9 years is a long time and I've done more soul-searching than I care to relate because it does horrify me.

I obviously have some deep-rooted issues I'm working through. The A wasn't a reflection of the M, it was a reflection of my problems and how I didn't cope with them.

I have not ruled out telling H and very nearly did this weekend. I'm just taking one step at a time. WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 10:51pm
As I said I was not trying to slam you in any way. I come to these issues from the other side, that of a BH. Forgiving my wife has been the hardest thing I've ever done and I would be lying if I said that there aren't still days when I am so angry with her, I'd like to just walk away and never look back, and I know she still fears it. I agree that a M can have many many problems and both parties are responsible for them, but in my view nothing justifies an A. Nor can not telling ever be right; I feel that any M must be based on truth and honesty and fairness... one party had an A the other party has to have the right to decide if they can forgive, or not, go on or not...not telling for $ reasons or children or or or the fact is that is still one person making a decision for another...honestly would you want someone making a life choice like that for you? I do wish you well and hope that whatever is broken can be mended.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 9:58pm
Hi WIP, glad to see you are still hanging in there. That must have been a very hard thing to do telling him no more friendship. Congratulations. Why must every step of this be so hard? My XOM told me the other day that somehow we needed to save our friendship. We have been friends for over 20 years. I wasn't ready to tell him no YET, I just said I didn't know if that was going to be possible. Keep us informed, I will be watching to see how you are doing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 11:49pm

Toimon, you have been asked several times

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 2:57am

WIP,
Just to give you a little bit of my background, my EMA lasted for 6.5 yrs. Like you, I am horrified that I could have lived a lie for THAT long.
About 3 yrs. into it, my husband caught on about the A but I denied everything. A few months after that I found out he was seeing someone. I couldn't take the lies anymore and I thought I was strong enough to end the A. I confessed the A to my DH. He admitted he had been seeing someone but his heart wasn't into it and it was only because he thought he had already lost me, he was doing it to get even.
Given everything that happened, I still wasn't strong enough at that time to end the A and it continued for another 3.5 years, even through the birth of his child (although I would not have IC with him while his wife was PG....as if that mattered anyway)

It is up to you whether to tell or not but I can tell you this much. As long as I live, I will never forget the look of total heart ache and devistation on my husbands face. I honestly think he would have rather I not told him. There is no way I would ever tell him that I continued the A after the fact, I think it would kill him.

Just my 2 cents.

CGU

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 10:43am

Thank you CL.

I appreciate the input he provided but I can only take one step at a time or it seems too overwhelming.

Thanks again,
WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Sat, 05-28-2005 - 11:00am

CGU,

Thanks for your input - it truly helps from a BTDT point of view. I've been married to H for 14 years and I do know him very well.

I do believe if H were making the choice, H would rather not know since he will make that comment about other family matters - but that assumes I stop the A. I believe if he thought I could not stop it... well, then I think he would rather know what he's dealing with.

I am starting T shortly (this week) and really do want to solve my issues. I'm truthful enough at this point to admit I want to solve them for ME, so I can live an honest and *contented* life - not for my M (obviously that is on the list of reasons, just not #1). I'm hoping that it's actually *better* that I want to solve it for me and that I'll be more committed to the process since I see this is a deadend - and too painful and confusing to continue.

I am not completely ruling out telling H but can't cross that bridge yet. The tricky part is that usually when the person tells all they can sever ties to the AP and regain trust in the M. In my situation I can't since xMM and I have a business together (where there is no financial way out at this point). I can't imagine having H know I am working closely with xMM and not be full of distrust. I am looking for any way out to the business now but I think it will be a few years at a minimum.

Anyway, I truly do appreciate your input. The fact that you've posted that the pain is truly less to get out, than it is to stay in... it's really a boost.

Thanks, WIP

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