no more

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
no more
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Sat, 11-20-2010 - 9:25am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Sat, 11-20-2010 - 10:35am

Alice,

I struggled through your post - I gotta admit it made me angry.

It's my own stuff - I'll own that now.

It made me angry to see you allowing, no WILLING yourself to conjure up images of how it felt like to be with your ex EGO STROKE. I wanted to scream at you to snap out of it!!!!

... as I contemplate my life, and the ramifications to all involved ... I am growing less and less patient with posters who have their families still intact and yet seem totally determined to ruin their lives. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD GIVE FOR ONE MORE CHANCE TO HAVE MY HUSBAND BACK?! And you're laying in bed missing 'his body"? Really Alice?

I miss my Husband: I miss my partner. I miss cuddles in bed and laughter under the covers. I miss his clothes in my closet. I miss his funny dances he would do when he got out of th shower. I miss the kids crawling into bed with BOTH of us. I miss someone to help me carry in the groceries. I miss taking care of him when he is sick. I miss the sound of his car pulling up into the driveway and the quickness at the sound of his feet rushing in to see me. Now, he walks more slowly and it's to come and pick up our kids for "his nights". I haven't had sex in months ... in months and months. Do I miss sex/intimacy/ being loved and giving love? So much it leaves me almost breathless and tears are streaming down my face wondering & worrying if I will experience Love from another partner. BUT THERE IS NOTHING LIKE THE MISSING I HAVE FOR MY HUSBAND. Ya, there was lots I could find problems with with him. But he loved me in spite of all MY incredible shortcomings. He loved me hard. He was/is an incredible father and an amazing companion. I am certain that I would GIVE ANYTHING to have the comfort, companionship, security, friendship, stability that my marriage offered me over anything ...

I also want to SHOUT OUT to all the married folks on here complaining lately about their husbands. Sure, H isn't the exciting, fantastically funny and charismatic man that your lying, cheating performing xMM was ... gosh how tragic. Please think about the amount of time you spent nurturing and caring for your xMM and how little you have spent on M. And if you have spent so so so much time and energy on your marriage and your affair has been over for at least 6 months, you've gone to counseling & marriage counseling, and things are still not satisfying, then for goodness sakes LEAVE THE MARRIAGE. Please don't play victim or martyr. You are doing no one any favors. The same reasons people here complain were excuses that xMM gave for not leaving (the kids, money etc ...) are probably the same EXCUSES people here would be tossing around for reasons to NOT LEAVE their marriages. Women have fought SO LONG AND HARD To make our lives have greater possibilities then before, please don't take them for granted by viewing your marriages as prisons. Partnerships aren't life sentence obligations if it means you truly are only staying because you feel obligated or because you are afraid to be alone.

Please stop the complaining about H and get on with taking responsibility for your own happiness, one way or another AND please stop allowing yourself to drift off into lala land about exAP every time your REAL LIFE relationships aren't all rosy. Ask yourself instead, what have you done to make things different, and to consider what kind of damage you have done to your own relationships ... and to not be surprised that they are in the poor shape that they are. Like anything living, the marriages wilt and die when they are not nurtured.

Choices - we all have them.

You just have to have the courage to make them.

Phew. That was MY rant.

TU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2010
Sat, 11-20-2010 - 11:03am

Alice, I totally,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sat, 11-20-2010 - 11:21am
Hi Alice, I'm not married anymore but I read TU's response and I ache after reading her reply, she said it so well. It's the whole package of what committment entails that I would like one day, it's what was missing in myself that had me going down so many wrong roads. Take care Alice:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Sat, 11-20-2010 - 11:26am

Alice, my dear Alice -

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Sat, 11-20-2010 - 11:37am

Tu - my pal -

I have to hand you great kudos for acknowleding that this is YOUR stuff - YOUR baggage.

It is hard to hear the same things over and over - and yes it makes me struggle too - BUT - we have to give leeway that each individual has the obligation and responsibility to get through their own feelings and struggles.

Yes - I would give anything to go back 18 months ago with full knowledge that I know now - and actively fix my marriage, avoid the A, the d-day and the hurt and anguish to my kids, my family, his family - my xAP and his family - and still be with my husband.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Sat, 11-20-2010 - 12:12pm
((I heart you too))

and I care about each person here. Seriously & sincerely. There isn't one of my EAS family that I wouldn't support. It is from THAT place that I share my struggles & frustration. I remember saying to another poster who was hurt by comments being made to her ... to think of us all sitting down in front of a nice cozy fire together, sharing drinks and the wisdom we had gathered together.

The fresh insights of newbies, the trials of tweeners and the perspectives of our beloved Vets. Imagine the lessons we could learn from one another?

Well, this is that place for me. Yes people need to go through their own struggles, process their own feelings and have the space to speak their mind. This is that place.

It is also the place to get real, be held accountable and to NOT be sheltered from the REAL LIFE consequences that could happen ... from the "been there done that perspective".

You know, I didn't need to drink & drive & kill someone to learn that lesson ... to take so many lives down because of my denial & mininimizations ... kwim? I am lucky that in my few drunken moments as a teen that in fact I hadn't killed myself or someone else from getting behind a wheel. I see the consequences here no differently. Yet most of us here wouldn't have to figure that lesson out for themselves.

Sometimes life requires of us to learn the lessons from others, and I don't believe we always have to make our own mistakes to learn & do better ...

There is NO going back, you are so right. So many of us are faced with that reality ... I just wish for others to learn from OUR mistakes so that they aren't one day living through the kind of nightmare some of us are with our children in tow.

Here's to continuing the struggle - with & for one another.

Alice, I trust you know that I care ... and I will continue to be here to support you in the best ways I know how.

((hugs))

TU.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Sat, 11-20-2010 - 12:37pm

TU,

Thank you for the view from the other side of the A--not just the fallout from your DDay, but from being far enough out of the A that the perspective you share is true and honest and a million miles removed from any cloudy perspective we had while in the A or freshly out of it. This was the kind of reality check that so many of us needed to read.

It was painful for me to read Alice's post. It made me a little sick to me stomach, but I understand her feelings. I was feeling the same way in the first couple of weeks after ending my A. I would conjure up images of him and remember the sex part vividly and constantly. It (falsely) felt like intimacy. I believe now

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009

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