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|Sun, 08-10-2014 - 10:39pm|
I'm not sure where to post this - here, or on the Toxic Relationships board - it fits both. I'll try to be as concise as possible. I was in an affair for 9 years with a (in my opinion) very toxic man. I'm single, successful, and intelligent in every other aspect of my life. The affair part of the story is one that I've read on these boards many, many times. Empty promises that he'll leave his wife. The past 5 years (maybe even more) of the "relationship" have been hell. Of course, I grew more and more tired of the bull**t. I stopped showing interest in his life. I stopped making it possible to be intimate. My hope was that he'd miss what we had and would leave his wife. Well, what happened was he grew more and more controlling, angry, etc. I took his "candy" away - his "good thing" and instead of doing (in my mind) the right thing, he did nothing. Nothing but lash out at me. Over a year ago,I started seeing someone else (single guy). He got wind of it and sucked me back in. I stopped seeing the other man. XAP was a "puppy dog" for about a month and a half - wanted to work things out with us. (Still married mind you....) I gave him a deadline to end his marriage and of course he did not.
This is when things REALLY went from bad to worse. Somehow in his twisted mind he feels extremely hurt that I had a sexual relationship with another man (insert eye roll here) even though he is married. He feels I cheated on him. Betrayed him. I have stuck to my guns telling him that I would be happy to work through his feelings - IF he made himself a free man. He has continued to blame me and call me a liar. He thinks I've been with men since the other guy (I have not). In a nutshell, he's a coward and a bully. I have not reached out to him for the past 6 months. He texts me - one day it's lyrics of a song begging me not to leave him. (?) The next day he's lashing out at me saying things like "he knows I'm out with someone...(I'll leave the inappropriate things said after that out) He drives by my home and my work. For the last several months I haven't responded to any of this texts. (I know - should have blocked the number long ago).
I finally lost it about a week and a half ago. I asked why he kept wanting to have conversations via texting. He responded that he wanted to talk, but every time we have, I end up just yelling at him. I responded back that he wanted to talk as long as he stayed married, and that I had every right to feel anger about that. He brought up his lack of trust in me, said I was turning things around on him as usual....yadda yadda yadda. So I told him I was done, that he was married and better start acting like it and to not contact me again.
SO, now there has been no contact. He's blocked. I'm not struggling with the loss like others are on this board. When I feel a twinge of fantasy, it's very easy to get my mind out of it. I actually took screen shots of several of this last texts to remind myself of how he is. I have seen him drive by my work as recently as last Friday. It scares me. (I'm not fearful that he'll do anything crazy). I have to let go of the anger. I have to forgive myself for allowing this. I know I have a lot of healing to do. I have made excuse after excuse for him. I have hung onto that last thin thread. I've taken a quiz and answered yes to 12 out of the 15 quesations - I have been in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. I am finally starting to see that and admit it. How did I let this happen?? Any comments, advice, etc. appreciated. I'm not sure where to go from here. I know therapy will be recommended and I'm on top of that one.