no more

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2014
no more
11
Sun, 08-10-2014 - 10:39pm

I'm not sure where to post this - here, or on the Toxic Relationships board - it fits both. I'll try to be as concise as possible. I was in an affair for 9 years with a (in my opinion) very toxic man. I'm single, successful, and intelligent in every other aspect of my life. The affair part of the story is one that I've read on these boards many, many times. Empty promises that he'll leave his wife. The past 5 years (maybe even more) of the "relationship" have been hell. Of course, I grew more and more tired of the bull**t. I stopped showing interest in his life. I stopped making it possible to be intimate. My hope was that he'd miss what we had and would leave his wife. Well, what happened was he grew more and more controlling, angry, etc. I took his "candy" away - his "good thing" and instead of doing (in my mind) the right thing, he did nothing. Nothing but lash out at me. Over a year ago,I started seeing someone else (single guy). He got wind of it and sucked me back in. I stopped seeing the other man. XAP was a "puppy dog" for about a month and a half - wanted to work things out with us. (Still married mind you....) I gave him a deadline to end his marriage and of course he did not.

This is when things REALLY went from bad to worse. Somehow in his twisted mind he feels extremely hurt that I had a sexual relationship with another man (insert eye roll here) even though he is married. He feels I cheated on him. Betrayed him. I have stuck to my guns telling him that I would be happy to work through his feelings - IF he made himself a free man. He has continued to blame me and call me a liar. He thinks I've been with men since the other guy (I have not). In a nutshell, he's a coward and a bully. I have not reached out to him for the past 6 months. He texts me - one day it's lyrics of a song begging me not to leave him. (?) The next day he's lashing out at me saying things like "he knows I'm out with someone...(I'll leave the inappropriate things said after that out) He drives by my home and my work. For the last several months I haven't responded to any of this texts. (I know - should have blocked the number long ago).

I finally lost it about a week and a half ago. I asked why he kept wanting to have conversations via texting. He responded that he wanted to talk, but every time we have, I end up just yelling at him. I responded back that he wanted to talk as long as he stayed married, and that I had every right to feel anger about that. He brought up his lack of trust in me, said I was turning things around on him as usual....yadda yadda yadda. So I told him I was done, that he was married and better start acting like it and to not contact me again.

SO, now there has been no contact. He's blocked. I'm not struggling with the loss like others are on this board. When I feel a twinge of fantasy, it's very easy to get my mind out of it. I actually took screen shots of several of this last texts to remind myself of how he is. I have seen him drive by my work as recently as last Friday. It scares me. (I'm not fearful that he'll do anything crazy). I have to let go of the anger. I have to forgive myself for allowing this. I know I have a lot of healing to do. I have made excuse after excuse for him. I have hung onto that last thin thread. I've taken a quiz and answered yes to 12 out of the 15 quesations - I have been in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. I am finally starting to see that and admit it. How did I let this happen?? Any comments, advice, etc. appreciated. I'm not sure where to go from here. I know therapy will be recommended and I'm on top of that one.

Pages

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: Shindofree
Sun, 08-10-2014 - 11:43pm

Hi Shinofree :)

You're correct...your situation fits both Boards. You must have been reading here because you seem to know how you had to end it, the areas in your life that need to be addressed, you know it is better for you to let go of the anger, learn to forgive yourself, and you are on top of therapy (that made me giggle). So basically, you left me nothing :)

Oh..is 'how did this happen?' a rhetorical question, or did you leave me at least that? Because really I figure you know the answer to that. You got involved with a married man....no brainer.

I'm glad you blocked him. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about his drive-bys except pity the fool. And I wouldn't engage with him ever again. If he stops you on the street, keep walking without a word. By recently talking to him and repeating yourself for probably the umpteenth time, you taught him that with enough perseverance, he will get through...so chances are good he's going to up his attempts a notch.

So, no more letting him get through and no more trying to get through to him about how 'if he left his marriage'...because you now know who you are dealing with and he's not all that and more. He's shown his true colors, and so you don't really want him - even if he showed up at your door and said 'Baby, I'm all yours." Right?

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: Shindofree
Sun, 08-10-2014 - 11:52pm

How isn't the question........why is the question.  And that's a simple one.  You cared for him, you thought that he'd leave his wife and be all yours.  You realized that wasn't happening, but you played along for a while, still hoping.  You knew in your heart that when he didn't leave his wife early on, that he would never leave her.  The relationship you're describing is typical.  He never had any intention of leaving his wife.....he just wanted you on the side, as you said........the "candy".  His nose is out of joint because you actually had a relationship with another man......how DARE you?  It's FINE for him to cheat on his wife, but not for you to try to find a "real" life for yourself.  You really don't need any help, you've got it all figured out for yourself!  Good for you that you finally blocked him.  You say you're over it, but you're really not, not yet.  If he continues the drive-by nonsense, I suggest you write him a letter and tell him if he continues, you'll get a restraining order on him.  He probably won't continue, once he believes that you're REALLY thru, he'll find a replacement for you.  I've also seen when an affair is "abusive"......the man is a wimp at home.....afraid of his wife, and/or worried about the financial aspects of a divorce.  I really don't think you need therapy.  You have it all together now.  You want to know how you let it happen?  It's because you thought in the beginning that you had something real, and you continued until you were actually somewhat brainwashed by him......and now you've come to your senses.  You're going to be fine......and life will be good for you. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2014
In reply to: Shindofree
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 12:09am

Yes - I have been reading! And actually I took a screen shot of a reply to someone from Myrasfriend that really hit me - about staying so long not having to do with love, but about the choice to stay hidden in a fantasy for so long. And for me, I have to ask myself why stay hidden AND abused?? The abuse part just kept getting worse slowly and I really made excuses for that "it's just the situation that is making him act like this"  I read a quote once that said "we teach people how to treat us." and you're right - I've given in soooo many times before. I just don't like the "hold" I feel he still has on my life. I want to be in a place where I am ready to move on and to not have the constant worry.

'Baby, I'm all yours." hahaha - there have been a couple times that I thought he WAS finally leaving and I actually got a feeling of panic. How messed up is that?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2014
In reply to: Shindofree
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 12:21am

Thank you Fissatore. I did care for him and fell for him hard and fast. And then waited and waited. I know I'm not really over it and have to stay strong. The good thing is that it really has been more or less "over" for about a year and a half. But I'm realistic enough to know that almost over and really over are two different things. In my reply to Clarity I said that I just want to be ready to move on. Brainwashed is right! I have thought about writing him (I've written many things to him lately and then torn them up). I've thought about warning him that if I ever hear of him doing to anyone what he did to me, that I'd call him out so quickly. But I'm trying to just be DONE with him. Get his poison out of my life. I long for the day that he doesn't cross my mind even once. Thanks for saying I'm going to be fine and life will be good. Right now it just feels like a lonely place, so that is good to at least hear!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
In reply to: Shindofree
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 3:08pm
You are strong to have walked away. So many ppl stay in these types of relationships far too long. I know this might be hard for you but you really should try telling someone about this A and tell them what you are going through. Telling someone in real life breaks the bond of secrecy between you and him and it will also help you to have someone who will hold you accountable IRL for your behavior and what you allow yourself to go through. Living out loud in the open and in honest relationships is hard for some ppl. Get to the root of why, from the very start of the "relationship" you didn't put up your boundaries and say NO married guy, I am too good to hide in the shadows, be your secret and partake in breaking up a M. I am NOT that kind of woman. The man who has me will let the world know that I am his. When you really get to the root of why you gave yourself permission to be a part of the fantasy where you believed a MM who is obviously a liar (i.e. cheating on his W), you will unlock the door to changing the way you behave and what and who you accept into your life. It's easy to blame MM and say he lied to you, but at some point you have to realize and cleanse yourself from the inside to determine why you dropped your integrity and handed your self esteem over to someone who didn't make you a priority. Most men don't make a future with women who allow themselves to be a doormat and have no respect for themselves. Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2014
In reply to: Shindofree
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 8:20pm

Thanks Myrafriend. Yes, why did I allow it to begin with? Same old story - something always missing from my marriage - I was married at the time it began, and ended my marriage early on. That was for the best - I've never regretted leaving my husband.

I'm working hard (finally) on the issues you raised. Not blaming him a a biggie. I've been soooo angry and have blamed him for everything. Even though I could have walked away a long, long time ago. I want integrity! I want honesty! I want to love myself! I've been talking to myself out loud in the car - saying things like "I'm proud of you" and "I'm not committing adultery".

The part that is very hard, is getting back to who I was before all the abuse. I still find myself worried he'll drive by and see a car in front of my house (even though the car was there for a neighbor - he'd text and ask me and ask who was at my house - it would get uglier from there). So many times he would accuse me of things I didn't do. I just have to keep letting it go. Keep reminding myself that he can't hurt me anymore.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 8:54pm

Shindofree

It wouldn't be a bad idea to start documenting the drive-bys, because it borders on...no, it IS...harrassment; and if it persists or starts to ramp up, you will have a better case to take to the local police when and if you feel you want to file a complaint. His behavior is scaring me. I know of a similar case with a woman and her x-husband. After several years of his harrassement, she called the police. They made one call, and it came to a screeching halt. 

And you mentioned how you thought it was messed up thinking when you relayed how you felt panic at the thought of him actually leaving his wife. It's typical actually. In all the time I've been on the Boards, I have yet to hear someone say, after the fog has lifted, 'I know we could have been good together'. Never...okay may once or twice...but from people who chose to live in their fantasy long after the affair had ended. What I have heard is 'Thank G-d I didn't.' 

I think that reinforces the idea that it is not really THEM we miss...more just how they made us feel. 

Stay the course...you're doing well.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2014
In reply to: Shindofree
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 9:29pm

Thanks Clarity. I'll do that. I didn't notice anything today, or over the weekend. The thought of harrassment going on for several years makes me sick to my stomach. I put up with it when we were "together" there is no way I want it after. I am glad that I kept the last several texts - made sure that I got his phone number included in the screen shots. Like I said before, they are a good reality check, but also good to have if I need proof of anything. I'm hoping he just stops.

It's "the idea we miss, not really them" wow - that is so true! I have to constantly remind myself that it's the thought of him being this amazing man (that he of course told me he was while showing me he wasn't). Thanks so much for your support.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 10:22pm

>It's "the idea we miss, not really them" wow - that is so true! <

lol.  I actually said 'it's not them we miss, but how they made us feel'. They are just the pusherman of the feel-good drugs.

But what you say is true too. We often times project onto them 'what we want them to be' and totally ignore who they show themselves to be. 

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.” ― Maya Angelous

And sure enough, what does a married affair partner show us right out of the starting gate.

Clarity


Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2014
In reply to: Shindofree
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 7:53am

Oops - yes you did! In my case, the good feelings were such a long time ago. I guess I should be thankful that he was 95% ass and only 5% nice for the past several years. I might still be really sucked in. Hmmmm, but what does that say about me? That I shoud have whiplash from turning the other cheek. I liked what Cattitude posted - letting go of the fantasy and the obsessing. That we are grown-ass people (made me laugh) and to stop wasting our time. Time is precious.

I love that Maya quote. I've got to keep working on me so I can show everyone I'm a woman of good character and someday worth a real relationship.

Pages