No self restraint
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| Fri, 02-11-2005 - 10:38am |
Hi -
I am not sure if you've been following my few posts, but I had a month long EA with coworker. I thought NC would work, but I see him everyday. What bothers me most, is that I can't stop seeking him out. When other work issues/life issues come up, I still want to talk to him. I miss him terribly. He is responsive when this happens but always brings up the fact that he thinks I minimize the pain/guilt he is experiencing (where it might hard on me coz I am married), but still he beleives NC is pointless and wouldn't work. I don't mean to minimize his hurt, but if he is so hurt, why doesnt he return emails or phone calls. (The bigger question, why don't I have the restraint to stop emailing him my thoughts and feelings)
All you men out there who were involved with married OW, what could be going through his head? I am dealing with anxiety of whether or not to tell DH, and at the same time agonizing about him and am worried about him. Is it wrong that I want to be there for him? All advice is appreciated.
Edited 4/14/2005 2:05 pm ET ET by spanishtrain

Hi SP,
well im not sure if i can give u a males point of view, it seems like i am like u, i cantg restraint myself from contacting her, but u have to, i am able to do it now, so far 2 days, i work with OW and its even harder coz i see her physically, i avoid eye contact with her if ever we see each other
she ended the affair, i think i have emotionall invested more in our relationship than her, i realy dont know but she seems to be not affected by it as far as i can tell from seeing her demeanore at work, that alone makes me feel sad
maybe your OM is doing u a favor by doing NC so u can decide what u want to do with your life, husband and marriage, i know u miss him so much, its a loss and i feel like someone died but its worst than someone dying i think, they are gone but u know they are still around
ahh, i dont make sense , im just rambling on, i think im going crazy myself
u take care,
max
Hey Max -
Thanks so much for your reply to this and the other post last night. Just wondering, are you married as well? (coz if that's the case, we are really in the same boat).
I work with OM too, in seperate departments so its easy to not see him if i tried. But my problem is I have an urge to seek him out. even if its just a peak to see if he will acknowlege me.
So, you say you have had NC for 2 days....how many days did it take you from the breakup point to be able to do 2 days NC? I have to admit (related to my post last night) that I did end up calling him, and then once I realized I didnt block the ID, I felt I should leave a message, and so I did. Obviously he didnt call back and he still hasn't replied to any emails.
Things really started out by accident with him. We were always friendly at work and I never had any attraction to him. One day (in December, so about 2 mons ago) we decided to go out for drinks (we both had bad days at work and caught each other on the elevator out the door) and we started talking and realized how much we have in common. Not just activities but thoughts on life, the world, curiosity. We both have a history of depression and anxiety. we were able to talk about emotional topics that I can't even share with my H. I felt like I found not a soul-mate in the sexual connotation, but definetly one in a friend type of way. Well deep conversation after deep conversation, and dependecy on every day life issues, led to EA. He didnt think NC was necessary and said that we will work through this as friends. Well, he is the friend I need to depend on to get through this. You are right, it does feel like someone died. My heart feels ripped apart. I am so moody, anxious and irritable at home and I feel so bad for my H becoz i don't want to share this with him becoz I know how much it would hurt him and even destroy our marriage....
the pain is killing me.
What happened to you? How long did it last? Are you married?
Edited 4/14/2005 2:07 pm ET ET by spanishtrain
Edited 7/2/2005 12:57 pm ET ET by spanishtrain
hi SP,
im divorce, no kids, single, living by myself
like u i workl with OW, i was going thru hard time in marriage and she was there to give me whatever i was lacking at that time, we had and emotional affair for about 5 months before we we intimate and the rest is history
we talked about everything and i connected to her like she was my soulmate i felt, i feel deeply in love with her, we could never spend a lot of time together so we steal moments hear and ther, she is living with the father of her daughter, although they are not married, she asked him to live with them so her daughter can have a father figure, her daghter is 10 yrs old, prior to that her mom was taking care of her daughter while she was living with another man(bf), so now she wants to be a good mother and she broke up with her bf , took her daughter back with her and asked the dad of her daugther to live with them, 3 months after that she told me that him and her are not getting along but her daughter is realy happy to have her dad live with her, then we hooked up, thats the story
i a day late and a dollar short, she would always tell me why i did not come to her like 3 months earlier, she would not have asked the dad of her daughter to move back, now he would not leave at all
so thats the short story of my affair, me and OW contunued on until last Sunday, she did try to break up with me like 4 times in the course of the affair but we ended up togehter again, this time she told me she would not come back to me anymore, im sure she is having a hard time too but she does not show it at all
so now i feel so helpless, she told me she is staying for her daughters happiness, i dont want to argue with her about the pro and cons of it since she and him dont love each other , its her decision and i have to accept it , accepting it is realy hard since she told me she wants to break all contact with me, before she would tell me to look for her when her daughter is done with high school or if the father of her daughter would voluntarilly leave them she will come back to me, now she said there is no more hope and she is not giving me hope or any propmises since it is unfair for me and she does not want me to wait or have some false hope from her promises, i think she is right , no one can predict the future but for some reason my heart wants to wait, wants to hope wants to be with her in the end, my heart is willing to wait no matter how long, wait for 8 yrs, its crazy, my mind knows the future is unpredictable
anyways, thats what is eating me inside, the separation anxiety and the fear of being alone and no one to share my thoughts with, no friends, we are best friends and now im lost and no one to talk to
go back to your H and try to give it another try if u can, maybe its not meant to be, and if it is meant to be he will be back, look at Prince Charles and Camilla, i think that is true love and im happy for both of them, they waited 30 yrs
max
<<<>>
Just wondering, I dont think I asked you this yet, how long were you married before your divorce? Was the divorce related to the affair (did W find out about A), did you tell W about affair.
I ask because while I am dealing with the loss of OM, I am trying to figure out my marriage. My H is the most wonderful person, but we don't connect on the deepest emotional of areas (i always knew that). it's just not in his personality. and I always accepted that. It was meeting the OM that made me realize that that one quality (only one quality) is what I saw in OM and didnt see in H. I think through M therapy we can work that out. (my therapist says so, she says people can learn to get more in tune with emotions). but i think I will never feel good unless i told him what really happened. and that could lead to him to leaving me. and that would be worse. I love my H, want to spend the rest of my life with him, I wish he was a deeper person, but i accepted that on our wedding day, but hiding this secret i think will take away from me being able to be honest and gain that emotional connection I am looking for. Does that make sense?
hi SP,
i was married to a wonderful person for 10 yrs, we were separated we i started the affair, my ex-wife found out about it, i actually told her, it broke her heart, it broke my heart too, i regret having the affair even then
we did go to marriage counselling to try to save it but she was to hurt and angry at me, i dont blame her at all, my ex-w and i are still friends to a point but thats it, she does not talk to me anymore
i dont know what to say to you, if u ask me, i would wait before telling him, i would make sure that u are over MM and affair, maybe when that time comes u dont have to tell him at all, again its just my opinion, i know its hard to keep something like this, it would hurt a lot of people, for me it hurt a lot of people i care for, my ex-w relatives which is like family to me since i have no family, no i am estranged from them , they still talk to me but i can feel there is so tension there, so the affair caused me to lose more that i could gain, at that time i never thought about it
how i wish i can turn back time and undo all of it all
max
be strong and dont call or contact MM anymore
hi SP,
almost sent her an email, i was checking my emails and she still have some old emails in my inbox, i read some of them and they were sweet at face value but i think they were just lies, i got sad reading them and hoping they were true, maybe they were true when she wrote them but now i got upset when reading them, pissed me off actually now that i read it, she had told me things and i let my heart believe it too
max
its cold and gloomy here in the SF bay area