No words can describe...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
No words can describe...
11
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 2:01pm

this hell I created. I hate myself for jeopardizing the life I created with my husband, my children, my family, and my friends. I have sooooo much work ahead of me- repairing this damage that I created. Repairing relationships with friends and family that I neglected in the past 7-8 months, rebuilding a marriage that the other party doesn't even know needs rebuilding. I really, really hate myself.

Today is definitely the end of the affair. It has to be. I am mad at myself because I didn't have the courage/strength to end it before it got started or when it should have ended months and months ago. This end has been forced upon me- not by my choice. Why didn't I want it to end...knowing all I know? Why? My DH returns next week. MM leaves today for the holiday to spend with HIS family by the time he returns, DH will be home. When DH is here, I won't/can't/will not be intimate or spend anymore time with MM alone. It's over. As much as I was willing to risk in his absence, I can't possibly risk it in his presence. I knew this day was coming and still am so un-prepared, so taken back and lost. I have told him when DH comes home, I can't be with you so these last days are it. He acts as if it doesn't bother him that it's over. I am in pieces. I truly believe...in fact..I know he thinks he will be able to see me after DH returns so that is why he is so non-chalant but then again it could be that I was just another knotch in his string of affairs. I am no big loss to him. Yet, I am sitting here with all these emotions, feelings and wondering...what am I going to do? How can I fix this? I am so sad, so lost, so angry, so heart-broken, so disappointed, so full of regrets, so full of I should haves, I could haves, I needed toos, I didn't. This is the price I pay for being deceitful, for betraying, for being so self-centered, so narcissistic, so self-loathing.

It's awful. I wish I could fast forward to a year from now when the memories aren't as fresh and the pain is quiet, the sadness is dulled!!!!

No words can adequately describe this hell I created.

SS

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 2:30pm

sunshine,

yes there are no words to dull the pain, i realy dont know what to say but we are here to listen

pls take care, the road ahead will be rough

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 2:44pm

sunshine you are being really hard on yourself. and while I understand WHY you are... cut yourself some slack girl... at least you've seen the light!

and I know I'm taking things too personal but it's so hard to hear the words you say... only because I'm sure they are how my exMM must feel about me and the time he spent with me! :( It kills me! :( But I know it's right!

Stay strong and welcome to the road of recovery!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 3:17pm
b/u
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 4:59pm

Sunshine

Big Hugs

I havent been around a lot mainly b/c I am doing well and am past a lot of the initial pain. I still think of Mm but I am past a lot of it. So all i can say is acceptance is key..dont forrce it. It will come and when it does it will be the light!

I have also suffered a personal loss so that has pushed any sadness about MM into perspective as well.

hang in there.. it will get better! Trust me.. i didnt believe it when everyone said it would but it is true.

Remember to celebrate the small successes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 5:23pm

Bria-

I AM SO VERY HAPPY FOR YOU!!! You have come such a long way!!!!! Keep being strong!!!

Accepting what was, what is, what has been, what should have been, what needs to be....is so very hard. I keep trying to control the situation even knowing it is the end. I don't have the answers and I feel like I am smothering in what has to be, what wasn't, what should have been, what it needs to be.

Thanks for all your support. Continue to be strong on your journey,

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 8:20pm

SS

Listen SS there is not one damn thing you can do about yesterday the door to it is closed forever, But tomorrow is in your power to make better they your yesterdays.

Forgive the person you were and focus on being the best wife/mother/friend and human being you can be, thats the most any of us posting here can hope to do.

WHAT WOULD YOU ADVISE A FRIEND TO DO IN YOUR CIRCUMSATANCED.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Wed, 02-16-2005 - 8:29pm

Free-

I would suggest....forgive yourself and move forward. But darn...it hurts so freakin' bad. I am the one that got me in to this situation...and I have to be the one who gets me out. With that said, it still is so very painful.

ss

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 5:57pm

I feel like crap. I wasn't going to go to work this morning, but I woke and just kept moving. I cried getting ready for work. I saw him. I didn't speak/he didn't speak. I was prepared for that b/c both of us are really, really, really stubborn. Lately, he has been the one who breaks NC. My question is....IT'S OVER, why should I care? Why do I care? Why am I replaying every scenario over and over? I just want to let this go already. It was what it was and what it wasn't. Wasting my hours thinking of him and this situation isn't going to change it. I need to accept that this is over and it was my choice. It is the right choice.

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 6:37pm

sunshine,

it is the right choice, look how sad u are now, will it be the same sadness when u are with him when u know there is no certainty in the relationship

yes, replaying the scenario , i do it also

im stuck in the same rot also and i want to get out of it too
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 02-17-2005 - 7:38pm

SS

>>""Why am I replaying every scenario over and over? I just want to let this go already.""<<

Why maybe because you were getting something out of the affair that your no longer getting and your suffering the effects of withdrawl from your drug, the Drug not meaning him but what was going on inside "YOU", affairs are rarely about the OP there are about "ME" they start because I want/need something they are sustained for that reason and they end for that reason.

Free

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