No words can describe...
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| Wed, 02-16-2005 - 2:01pm |
this hell I created. I hate myself for jeopardizing the life I created with my husband, my children, my family, and my friends. I have sooooo much work ahead of me- repairing this damage that I created. Repairing relationships with friends and family that I neglected in the past 7-8 months, rebuilding a marriage that the other party doesn't even know needs rebuilding. I really, really hate myself.
Today is definitely the end of the affair. It has to be. I am mad at myself because I didn't have the courage/strength to end it before it got started or when it should have ended months and months ago. This end has been forced upon me- not by my choice. Why didn't I want it to end...knowing all I know? Why? My DH returns next week. MM leaves today for the holiday to spend with HIS family by the time he returns, DH will be home. When DH is here, I won't/can't/will not be intimate or spend anymore time with MM alone. It's over. As much as I was willing to risk in his absence, I can't possibly risk it in his presence. I knew this day was coming and still am so un-prepared, so taken back and lost. I have told him when DH comes home, I can't be with you so these last days are it. He acts as if it doesn't bother him that it's over. I am in pieces. I truly believe...in fact..I know he thinks he will be able to see me after DH returns so that is why he is so non-chalant but then again it could be that I was just another knotch in his string of affairs. I am no big loss to him. Yet, I am sitting here with all these emotions, feelings and wondering...what am I going to do? How can I fix this? I am so sad, so lost, so angry, so heart-broken, so disappointed, so full of regrets, so full of I should haves, I could haves, I needed toos, I didn't. This is the price I pay for being deceitful, for betraying, for being so self-centered, so narcissistic, so self-loathing.
It's awful. I wish I could fast forward to a year from now when the memories aren't as fresh and the pain is quiet, the sadness is dulled!!!!
No words can adequately describe this hell I created.
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I agree with you. I also realize that no one on this board can determine the need that was being fulfilled within me. I don't even know. Some affairs start b/c there is a great lack of attention. Not in my case, I am very outgoing and outspoken. I work with all men and am very much the center of attention just from simply walking in the room or just sitting at my desk (not being conceited, just truthful). It could be I missed a man's companionship at night since DH is gone. Possibly? But...I am leaning toward the belief that I very much liked the challenge. He was the laid back one- not oooing and awing when I came to work. He was mysterious and aloof. I wanted to get under his skin. And, I did. I wanted him to feel something for me...break his playa rules for me. He did. All the dearest ones that are aware of this situation...have said to me. Everything you said you wanted from him, you got. So what really is your motivation for continuing the A? I don't know. I know it's going to take time. I know if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else because there is/was something missing in me. I am a work in progress. I have to be patient and that is the hardest thing for me to do. I want results RIGHT NOW.
As I write this, I know without a doubt he will contact me again. He will break down and contact me. It's that unhealthy attraction between us. I hope I am ready when he does.
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