Non judgmental or Making me feel worse??

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
Non judgmental or Making me feel worse??
20
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 7:23pm
I'm sitting here reading some answers to a post I put on here. Don't you think the people on this site are trying to make things right and trying to move on?? Is it really necessary to take someone who is at the bottom and make them feel worse?? I came here to get out all my feeling and now I am feeling like I am the only one that did wrong. There were 3 others involved in my problem.... I really didn't expect this kind of answer to my feelings..I expected others to say...Hey...I know what you are dealing with...Let's work on this together. I guess I underestimated the group. I apoligize for offending anyone here.

Chris    <?xml:na

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 7:44pm

Are you talking about your thread titled "I got caught"?


Because, if so, I've read the replies on the thread and find all the support you state you're looking for. As well as straight-forward, been there done that advice on where to go from here.


You got caught lying. SO have many others on this board.


You dumped the BF and danced around the truth with your husband. SO have many others on this board.


BF kicked the GF he was cheating on out of their apt/house. Better than what your husband decided to do with you. Pay attention to that fact. Or get of your own house. If you're really serious about fixing things with hubby, BF has got to go. Or move in with you and hubby for an interesting above-board relationship. While my last sentence may sound facetious, the bottom line is that there are issues in your marriage that you used to justify a dalliance with BF. You're "in love" with the BF. I loved my GF's too ( I am male). SO what? Affairs are clandestine relationships built on lies to escape and avoid real life. So come out into the real life you have and either cut your husband loose to pursue life with BF or cut BF loose and fix things with hubby. It's NOT rocket science, although it IS a pain in the heart because you develop misplaced emotional ties to a part-time relationship when you go out and have an affair.


You have your own life to live and be responsible for. That means it's up to you to own responsibility for YOUR choices, whether it's to get married or cheat. Nobody twists your arm to do either relationship. YOU choose your path.


And the path you chose has some thorns, your got stuck on a couple and it hurts.


How much of the hurt is because you failed yourself, your marriage and your husband by doing the horizontal mambo with the BF and then lied about it? From your post I didn't really pick up all that much remorse over it, just that you got caught and had to lie some more.


How much of the hurt is because you wanted to keep playing and got caught?


How much of the hurt is because you actually wish you hadn't chosen getting yourself into an affair and you want to fix what's wrong with the marriage?


I suggest you take a long look at your hurts, prioritize them and then decide if you're staying with hubby because the betrayal hurts are bigger than the getting caught hurts. And then fix them with some straightforward conversations with hubby about what the marriage is not delivering to you and how you are willing to work on the marriage.....


Just My Male Opinion......


cl-nre


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 7:56pm
YOu know...I agree with you...Funny thing is that the night before GF decided to call my DH, I had made the concious decision to end my relationship. It's just too bad that she called my DH first. He doesn't deserve to be dragged through the mudd for something that has really been over with for 5 months..except phone conversations. My DH is hurting enough with the information he has. I am truly sorry for my chosen path, but DH needs to take a look at why I chose that path. A woman that is getting everything she needs at home is less likley to stray...with that being said, I have discussed this with DH...He knows this to be true. LIke I said before...I am the one that chose the wrong path. My remorse...well...if only you really knew me and could see the remorse I am dealing with. I have ruined a trust that may take years to rebuild...I have beat myself up over and over again. All I am trying to say is that I am not the only one that made the wrong choices.
The comment I was refering to was something about calling GF a Witch...and being called a Bi(*& for that...We all make mistakes. We all have to live in our own little hell...I guess I was just looking for some sympathy until I could move up the ladder to earth. You can now pass me some cheese! Ü

Chris    <?xml:na

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 8:04pm

P.S. The comments to you on the "witch fesses up" thread.....


I agree with id. What makes you think a hurt woman trying to keep her new relationship on track is a "witch" because she calls you out for two timing her and her husband?


Because bottom line, ALL affair participants, me, you and all posters on this board, started out a relationship without being honest and ending the relationship or marriage we were in BEFORE we got involved with someone else. And that makes ALL of us GUILTY of ADULTERY. Plain english for what we did.


You made the suggestion to her to discuss it with her BF.


Good advice.


Maybe she'll keep her cheater in her life, just like your husband is doing.


Maybe not.


Maybe she knows your xBF isn't worth it.


I say thank your lucky stars your husband thinks YOU are worth taking another chance on.....


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 8:07pm

Can't pass the cheese, however, I do appreciate that you could see my points.


And I wish you all the luck in the world at patching things up with your husband.


No one getting what they need at home ever goes out looking. Why bother when your needs are met with the #1 person in your life?


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 8:08pm

Fly

I have known most of the regular posters for sometime now and I can assure you that NONE of them are judging you we are only trying to give you the benefit of 20/20 hindsight, we have a little distance from the affair now and some prespective on the whole thing that can come from that time and emotional distance only.

I will challange you on one point you made: you said there were 4 persons involved in this and in one sense I agree there were, BUT there roles were not all the same for example >>>"were it comes to the affair only"<<< your husbands role was that of VICTIM, he may have contributed to issues in your marriage but the decision to cheat was your own, when we make good decisions we expect to get credit for them (and we should) and when we make bad decisions whe have to accept blame for them and the fallout from them.

You have if I understand correctly decided to work on saving that 20 years you have invested in your husband so you do get credit in my book for doing the right and the smart thing.

OK THE LECTURE IS OVER

I hope things are going well with you and your husband.

NO CONTACT

Free

>

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-17-2005 - 8:16pm
Yep, that's what I was trying to tell her, Free. Thanks....cl-nre
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 1:37pm
As usual I just have to add my two cents-- "Not getting what we need from home" is not always the cause of an affair. I know it's what many believe, and for some it's true. But it is not true for all. I love my husband, and he's not been "lacking" in anything-to make me have an EMA> I had an EMA, due to a reconnection with someone from my past. I still obviously had feelings for this person from my past and acted on them without enough thought. But it wasn't due to what I was lacking at home.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2005
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 10:09pm

>>>No one getting what they need at home ever goes out looking. Why bother when your needs are met with the #1 person in your life?<<

I don't think I am sure what you mean by this?????

Chris    <?xml:na

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 7:52pm

"No one getting what they need at home ever goes out looking. Why bother when your needs are met with the #1 person in your life?"


I don't think I am sure what you mean by this?????


In the context of a marriage or living together long term relationship, a MM or MW having their emotional, sexual and conversational needs met by their spouse/partner is not apt to be looking for love or sex from someone outside of the relationship, i.e., having an affair. If you already get what you need from your spouse/partner, I believe there is no impetus for seeking to have your needs met by someone else.


In my case, certain emotional needs weren't being met in my first marriage. I made the erroneous choice to begin a relationship (affair) with a single woman from work. And then with a married woman. And another, and another and another, etc. until 17 years had gone by. Had I chosen to work on my marriage in the first place when the original needs weren't being met, I don't think I'd be in my second marriage now. Because my needs are being met in the second marriage, I have no further interest in the affair lifestyle despite 17 years' previous experience. Needs met means no urge to look somewhere else.


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 8:05pm

"I still obviously had feelings for this person from my past and acted on them without enough thought. But it wasn't due to what I was lacking at home."


Not to beat a dead horse, however, in your post you state "without enough thought". Something in your gridwork

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