Is this Normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Is this Normal?
12
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 9:53pm
Ok Ladies (and any guys that want), Things aren't much better here but I am trying to hang in there. Even though xOM is popping into my head more frequently I tell myself it is just because of how H is acting and I don't need xOM to survive. SO FAR SO GOOD.

Now my question, H has been going out almost everynight for a "few" beers. Tells me that he will be home early and doesn't come home until late. When he does get home he doesn't say anything to me. So tonight I had things to do with DD and got home around 8 pm, I walk in and H tells me that a friend of his called and he is going over there. AGAIN I don't say anything. I asked him to take DD to her things in the morning because he never gets to go because usually he is just getting home from work and he said no problem but wanted to know what I was going to do. After H left I checked caller ID to see if someone had called and what time because he was just finishing up a call when I walked in. The last call that came in was 7 pm and it was blocked. Don't get me wrong I don't doubt him about where he is going, but how long do I have to sit back and not say anything? This hurts so much because he isn't talking to me and also just assuming that I have nothing to do and will be here with the kids.

Well you might remember H really didn't like going to counseling with me, I think it was my counselor he didn't like and he obviously didn't want to hear what she said. NOW after talking a little this week he has agreed to M counseling. This counselor is going to see us separately first so he goes Monday and I go Thursday and then she will decide when to do a joint session. I don't want to get too hopeful but is it a good sign that he has decided to try again with a counselor?

Another thing I need advice on is H's nephew is getting M next Sat. I told him this week that if this is the way things are I can't make it thru the wedding. If we are truly going to work with the M counselor and there is some hope I can suck it up and make it thru the evening. So tonight before he left he asked me if I was going to the wedding or not. I told him if he wanted me to go with him I would, he said he didn't care but I have to decide by tomorrow AM so he can let his sister know if I'm not going. What do you think, should I go?????

Well sorry I got wordy again, it just seems I am a constant state of confusion lately.

DAF

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Fri, 10-29-2004 - 10:13pm
Daf

Hi

I will address both your questions but want to suggest that XOM poping up in your mind is nothing more then ESCAPEISM, your under stress and you learned to turn to XOM when you want to escape reality. Don't under any circimstances have any contact with him for any reason, if hubby heres of it your dead in the water.

Going to the wedding in my opinion would be a good idea, if you don't there will be many questions and rumors, if you want to rebuild a marriage the fewer people that know about the affair the better. I suspect your husbands wounded pride and his insecurities caused by the affair will not let him tell you he wants you to go with him, make yourself as fine looking as you can, take his breath away.

The fact that he agreed to go to the MC can't help but be a good thing, it does not guarantee the results we all want for you but it can't hurt, one point I have read about is that some men feel that if the C is a woman that the two women are ganging up on him at times, if she is good I am sure she will be aware of this and avoid it.

Daf you need to remind yourself that it is still very early in the game, this cannot be rushed and you can not decide that you want it to go away because you have had enough, this is going to progress at your husbands speed or not at all.

Once again Daf I say PATIENCE, SLOW AND STEADY WINS THE RACE.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Sat, 10-30-2004 - 8:37am
Free,

I am trying I promise you I just feel like I am falling apart. I won't call xOM, I do know that it will only hurt matters and it is one promise to H that no matter what I will keep.

Last night H got home late, in the eary morning hours he initiated IC, but then after 15 min. said that we had to stop because he didn't want to give me false hope, then he apologized. He said that he just doesn't have any feelings for me and he wouldn't give me false hope. You know he said he is only going to M counseling with me to get me to understand, to help me deal with all of this. I told him that wasn't what M counseling was and that he needed to open up to the counselor, he didn't answer but turned over and went to sleep.

You might as well just take my heart and rip it out because I don't think it is beating anymore. I am numb and haven't slept but I can't show anything because of the kids, this is killing me. But I am trying Free, trying to have patience, trying to understand, trying not to break down everytime I am around H, it is taking all my willpower but I am trying.

I promise Free that under no circumstances will I contact xOM. I promise you I will go to that wedding and be a knockout if it kills me (which inside it will be but I won't show it). You may just need to kick my a$$ a few times a week to keep me sane. Thank you.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: daf101a
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 12:44am
Hey Daf,

My apologize for not being able to respond to your request, probably best we do it here as the little ones also use this computer and I don't even want the possibility for them to see this information. Let me first give you a brief and consise version of my history. I lost my wife a few years back, totally unexpected. She was only 36 the cause was similar to a anurysim. My discovery of her affair was not until after her death when last year I began to remodel the bathroom and discoverd a journal, and several other things. Daf, I was trying to come up with a word to describe that moment but its been 20 minutes plus forever and I just cannot describe it with words. From that day I have found myself traveling in my version of Twilight Zone of the past haunted with doubt and wonder. Being forced to experience emotions of loss all over again . I give you this information because I never had the experience of reconcile, or the issues that you and your husband are facing. Truthfully, I admire your H because he is not running away. Trust me, he wants and is willing to stay and I am learning a whole new meaning of sacrifice, strength and courage and sadly I wonder would I have had courage and strenght to stay and work thru all the pain like your H. Daf, what are your true feelings toward your H. I know you love him, but since D-day are you desiring his touch, his kisses, or does OM and the loss of that relationship still dominate and maybe even prevent you from getting that emotional attachment back with H at this time. This is normal as you have a period of grief from the loss of that relationship. You seem to be letting your husband do all the initiating of both physical and emotional contact. He initiated IC, He asked if I was going to the wedding, your response was if you want me to I will, (In his mind that is replayed as "Whatever"). It just feels that and I am sure he scenses this too, that your hesitant on the emotional needs that I think your H needs from you to make him feel secure. Daf, its ok if the feelings for OM are still so strong that is normal. You maybe struggling because in your heart you are unable to give those same type of feelings to your H, but you feel a desperate scense of fear that you have no choice but to do this now. Daf, if this is your struggle, then tell us so everyone on this board even someone like me who is not suppose to be here can try and help. Daf, you and H have had so much to happen in a very short time, and I think you have been very honest with everyone here, my above statement is based upon my ability to observe as an outside party and then tell you as you might not even be aware of these subconcious struggles.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Sun, 10-31-2004 - 1:42am
Daf

There is a old saying "The more bitter the battle the sweeter the victory", keep an eye on the victory.

It would seem your husbands resolve is begining to show cracks around the edges, his hurt and anger is going to give ground to the love he has for you and your kids, his pride is not going to let him admit it but I believe it has already begun to happen.

If a man or woman really wants to leave they leave they don't tend to talk about it much once there mind is made up they just go, your husband keeps coming up with reasons to stay together.

Don't give up hope, I believe time is on your side the longer he stays the greater the likelyhood he stays.

Hon you do something truely stupid and you will get the butt kicking of your life count on it.

Patience

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:25am
Oh DAF, hang in there! When I read your post after having reconciled with my H and been 9 months into rebuilding, I see your DH wanting you to WANT to go to the wedding with him. Please do. Get dressed up, maybe you'll have an opportunity to ask him to dance. Maybe you can use the ceremony to open up some discussion - I think everyone who's ever been married gets soppy at weddings. I cry even when I don't really know the bride and groom. Weddings are so incredibly full of hope and romance and living happily ever after. Maybe it will spark you two up.

I agree with the previous posters - you're thinking about the XMM because you're really struggling here and your DH is not responding the way you'd like him to. Please don't give in to it. Your marriage is worth fighting for.

As far as him calling off IC 15 minutes into it so he doesn't give you false hope, I don't know. Maybe he just wants to hurt you the way you hurt him. I still think his anger is clouding his judgment. You need to give it time. But do try to go to the wedding and have the best time possible. Think romance! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 10:10am
Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement. Everytime I think I can make it and I try really hard it seems I get knocked down again. It happened again last night. Saturday was hard enough to get thru but Sunday was just as bad but we had seemed to hit a peaceful point. Then WAM. Before H left for work last night he told me he had to talk to me. So I said I was listening and then he says I need to tell you something that is going to come out in counseling. He said that he has developed feelings for someone else, this someone being a neighbor that I have been confiding in who is also having problems in her M (which is 95% sure to end in a D). The two of us have been leaning on each other but being neighbors, H also has contact with her and knows some of what is going on at her house. H hasn't said anything to her about his feelings and I am positive she doesn't have a clue. Her H is away on business for the next 2 wks and then when he gets back he is moving out.

I have been thinking all night and in some respect I know how H is feeling because isn't that what I did with xOM? I didn't say much to H at all because I couldn't, him saying that to me just kind of paralyzed me. He is going to the M counselor tonight and then I go Thursday AM and then we see what she suggest after that. I go to my IC tomorrow night and I plan on keeping that up for now. As much as I want to believe you guys, I am just not seeing any hope. All night I just went over everything in my head over and over, I am still lost and as much as I feel like curling up and fading away, I know I can't. I have to think of my kids.

So know I wait and see what H tells me about his counseling session when I get home tonight and I hang on and take it hour by hour. Thanks again everyone for your support it is one of the only things keeping me holding on.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 11:01am
Hi Moe,

Thank you so much for getting back to me, it helps to have your perspective of the situation as your a man in the same position that my H seems to be. I can't even imagine your situation but you seem to be in control of your own situation right now. Don't admire my H too much (read today's post to see the latest twist) and you know H still tells me that his first instinct was to walk. At this point in some ways that might have made this easier because I wouldn't have had any choice but to deal. But hindsight for all of us is a wonderful thing but what could have or should have happened can't change what is.

My true feelings for H are this (and I have told him over and over): H is a part of my soul, he completes me like no one ever has. Put aside all the material things (when we met I was just D with a 2 1/2 yo DS and was getting financial help from my parents) and the kids and everything that happens day to day and it is H that I need to make me whole. Since the first day I meet H, he has been the center of me. I do desire him, I want him to just hold me, I miss falling asleep in his arms on the nights he is home. I miss the kisses in the morning as he is coming home from work and I am leaving or when I come home from work and always just get a hug from him, it is the small things that he always did that I miss, that I took for granted that I pushed away. These are the things that I regret. I feel like I have crushed him by me having this A and I will regret that until the day I die, knowing that I destroyed what H and I once had. What happened Friday night ripped my heart out, then the knife was turned when H tried to apologize for it ever happening. Believe me when I tell you that if I even go to touch or reach out to H he pulls away, turns away, walks away.

You know I did think constantly about xOM after the confrontation with H over it but I was dealing with it and pushing it all aside because I knew I had to so that I wouldn't lose myself. Since H has said it is over, xOM has only crossed my mind (I think) because he was always my escape and I know that to call him or go to him will provide the physical contact I so crave right now. But I also know that it wouldn't fill that craving, it is only H that can fill that craving. I think to some extent I will always think about xOM, but I do know that I can think about him and what happened and still put all my worth into my M and H. At one time xOM and I had talked about what if I ever did leave my M, etc. I told him at that time that I would never remarry again, lately when I think about I have to say it is the truth, my life without H would be a lonely one because he has my heart and always will.

You know H keeps throwing in my face that he can't live his life like this. That he can't stay and live like this for all the material things we have, to him it isn't worth it. To him living a lie like this will do neither one of us any good, not to mention the harm it will do to the kids. My problem with this all is that H is my heart and soul and for me I can't see a future without him (yes Moe I have told him this over and over). I have told him that the material things don't mean anything to me if I don't have him in my life. I could lose it all as long as I still had him in my life. I feel beaten down, I can tell H anything I want and it is like he isn't listening, do I blame him? I try not to, I try to realize the pain he is in and the betrayal he feels. Do I still hold out hope that thru counseling we can rebuild? I am trying. I am in IC and this week start M counseling with H. H says he is only going to M counseling to try and help me deal with accepting things, I don't argue with him anymore about this, I don't tell him what is going to happen in counseling or what the counselor would say, that is her job, so let her deal with it. I have lost any sense of control and just have to take it hour by hour and accept things I can not change.

I really appreciate and value your opinion because you are on the outside, because you are feeling some of the same things. I hope that you will continue to try and help me if possible. Thank you again Moe.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 5:27pm
Daf

Your husband is a loose cannon emotionally right now, it would be better if you both stopped confiding in anyone but your C or MC , at a time like this it is all to easy for your husband or you to think you have feelings for someone else.

I suggest that you warn your friend about how hubby is feeling and get here to put strict limits on the nature of any future conversations she has with him , NOTHING ABOUT EITHER MARRIAGE.

Your not beat untel you quit.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 9:16pm
OK Free,

I really do feel like quitting but just take that stick out and beat me and I will try to move. I don't know if it is a good idea to tell my friend about H, my first instinct was to tell her but really what will it accomplish? If H ever found out that I told her what he told me he would be pissed, worse then how mad he got that I talked to her in the first place. Of course now it makes sense why he wouldn't want me talking to her. I realize that she doesn't know and probably doesn't have a clue. One question, are men that stupid that they don't realize the bond between women especially when they confide in each other about these type of matters? H actually called her to apologize for me telling her anything and she called him an A$$, because she is glad that I could lean on her and we are helping each other. I don't think he liked that at all.

H had his first counseling session with the M counselor today, when I got home I asked him how it went and he said fine. I tried to ask questions and he just wouldn't answer. He completely shut me out. All he told me was that he liked her, she was easy to talk to and that he had already told her our history from the beginning to why we are there and how it is for different reasons. He made another appt for next Monday. End of conversation with him for the night.

I have a question for anyone that has been to M counseling. How does this thing work, she told me she would meet with us individually until she decided it was time for joint sessions then we work from there. Is that how it works??? I am still continuing my IC with my original counselor and this M counselor suggested that after a few sessions I might reevaluate if I need them both. I'm just curious if I am being lead in the wrong direction or not, this M counselor is not covered entirely by our insurance so the out of pocket expense could grow fast. None of that really matters to me but I can hear H now screaming about it.

OK I am going to read for awhile and try to get some sleep. Nothing else was sprung on me tonight so I am hoping to get a few hours. Thanks everyone.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: daf101a
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 10:57pm
Daf

WHACK WHACK WHACK, there that will teach you to quit.

I suggest that you to talk to your friend if you are comfortable that she will not take your hubbies interest as an escape from he own problems, if you believe that she will discourage his interest that could prove usefull.

Yes men are that ignorent of how women work, there not stupid they just work differntly.

Your MC seems to be doing all right were it comes to here plan, the IC is something you can reconsider if you want to but that does not mean you have to, I would continue with it untill you are sure you don't need it anymore.

I suggest that you do not pry into what your hubby and the MC talk about, he will tell you when he is ready, this has to move at his pace NOT YOURS this is not going away for a long time.

You need to learn PATIENCE, your making progress but if you get pushy you could screw it up.

Good night

Free

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