Is this Normal?
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| Fri, 10-29-2004 - 9:53pm |
Now my question, H has been going out almost everynight for a "few" beers. Tells me that he will be home early and doesn't come home until late. When he does get home he doesn't say anything to me. So tonight I had things to do with DD and got home around 8 pm, I walk in and H tells me that a friend of his called and he is going over there. AGAIN I don't say anything. I asked him to take DD to her things in the morning because he never gets to go because usually he is just getting home from work and he said no problem but wanted to know what I was going to do. After H left I checked caller ID to see if someone had called and what time because he was just finishing up a call when I walked in. The last call that came in was 7 pm and it was blocked. Don't get me wrong I don't doubt him about where he is going, but how long do I have to sit back and not say anything? This hurts so much because he isn't talking to me and also just assuming that I have nothing to do and will be here with the kids.
Well you might remember H really didn't like going to counseling with me, I think it was my counselor he didn't like and he obviously didn't want to hear what she said. NOW after talking a little this week he has agreed to M counseling. This counselor is going to see us separately first so he goes Monday and I go Thursday and then she will decide when to do a joint session. I don't want to get too hopeful but is it a good sign that he has decided to try again with a counselor?
Another thing I need advice on is H's nephew is getting M next Sat. I told him this week that if this is the way things are I can't make it thru the wedding. If we are truly going to work with the M counselor and there is some hope I can suck it up and make it thru the evening. So tonight before he left he asked me if I was going to the wedding or not. I told him if he wanted me to go with him I would, he said he didn't care but I have to decide by tomorrow AM so he can let his sister know if I'm not going. What do you think, should I go?????
Well sorry I got wordy again, it just seems I am a constant state of confusion lately.
DAF

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I know the feeling of wanting to run from it all. This is how I got my board name. Two summers ago the kids went for two weeks to my sister's home where they have a blast playing with the cousins, floating down the river, amusement park...I 've been down to her and brother in-laws home over a 100 times, and the only place they are willing to take me is back to the airport! LOL! Anyway, was feeling down, tired of people bringing up my wife and her death, keep in mind I live in a very small town of 2100 people. So, I stuffed a backpack and a road atlas in the auto and ran. Ended up going thru Moeb,Utah. Went to Arches State Park which I had never even heard of Moeb until a month before. Backpacked and camped by myself 4 nights and 5 days and was just wowed by it all. For the first time in 19 months I had no burdens to carry at least while I was there. The hard part was the drive back home. Soon as I crossed the TX line seemed like they all started jumping back on for the ride home. Daf, everyday I have to tell myself don't run and that was before I even knew about the A. Daf, because this whole thing is so hard and that urge to quit and run is so strong is the very reason that you must not give up. My sense of value of who I am is not judge by my accomplishments that were easy to achieve, but by those that were the hardest. You will never climb a higher mountain than the one you are on now, and when you look back on all this you will realize it was one of your greatest accomplishments that allowed you have feelings of being proud and feeling good about yourself.
Just something else real quick, the comment made by your husband about his feelings for the woman in your nieghborhood...My opinion is throwing this at you so you can feel some of his pain, kinda like saying on a junior high level " Well, I like someone else too so how does that feel?" Truthfully, I don't think he really does, but he just wants you to feel that type of pain. The reason he got mad at you for saying anything to her is because its really not true and it blew up in his face right in front of you when she called him an ass. He wanted somehow to level the playing field. From his perspective, he is the only one whose heart has been hurt so the field is not level, and the stage of hurt as well as anger often spawns these types of reaction. Trust me Daf, this is kinda good, becaus it tells me he is processing. What you need to focus on is working thru your pain and be totally honest with the counselor, and remember to show your husband how special he is and how much you love him. Cards taped to his steering wheel, flowers to his place of work, and most important of all words, words that build him up. Try this, some night and I mean this week when you are both together maybe watching TV, or just reading, just stare at him with a smile and like your thinking of something. When he notice your gazing at him he will say, What's wrong or What? Then you respond with this or something similar..."I was just thinking, God you are so (cute,gorgeous,handsome...)you select and make sure its something that strokes his ego regarding him being phsyically attractive and that you just enjoy looking at him. Tell him you do this too while he sleeps. Guys love this stuff and he is wanting to hear that you are very attracted to him. Think about this, reading the other board I see alot of women on that board that have no problems doing little special things for OM or MM, from love notes to some cleaning OM apartment. Do special little things for your H now. If he pushes you away, just tell that you love him you are always going to try and show him that love.
Moe
Thanks for your insightful responses believe me they really do help. I give you credit for taking that time for yourself and going off and doing some serious thinking and sounds like soul searching, it couldn't have been an easy time for you and my heart goes out to you. I am trying not to give up but everywhere I turn it seems something isn't right and I want to run far away. I know in the logical part of my brain I can't because of the kids, I also know that is part of the reason I ended up in the situation I am in now. I have to learn not to run, to deal. I don't know how long it will take to look at this situation as one of my greatest accomplishments if it ever happens, but I will try to find a positive attitude to get thru all of this.
About H and his feelings for my neighbor around 4 in the morning after H told me, I had one of those Aha moments, H is going thru something similar to what happened to me when I turned to xOM. My guess is that he is looking for someone to understand the pain he is in, will he get that from her, probably not because she is my confidant and H doesn't even know what the two of us have been talking about. I don't even know if H ever plans on telling her about his feelings. She is going thru her own M problems and has enough to deal with because she has 3 little ones under the age of 5 at home, plus a 15 yo step DS to deal with.
Right now I try not to think too much about my pain, I am just trying to get thru the days. I am trying not to be distant from my kids, I try with H but he just shuts down completely. While I thank you for your suggestions to woe H, they won't work. He is a prison guard, so flowers to work are out, I have given him numerous cards during this time and he doesn't acknowledge any of them. He does catch me staring at him a lot of the time but won't say a word, he either turns away or walks away, but never has he asked me what. It is like he is trying to make me invisible in his world. Last night I told him I had work to do but I would wait until DD went to bed, he said he could put her to bed and I told him no that is ok. He continued to lie on the couch with his eyes closed. I asked about counseling he answered with as few words as possible. I tell him a few times a day I love him and most of the time he doesn't even look at me. I guess a good sign is that he made another counseling appt with the M counselor but I can't hang any hopes on things like that. So it is one day at a time, continue counseling and continue trying everything I can with H.
I tell myself all the time I created this situtation and I have to live with it. I am trying so hard to have the Patience Free tells me it will take but as the days pass and nothing really changes with H that sinking feeling gets worse and goes deeper. H is off the next 2 nights so I don't know what to expect from him, my guess he will go out both nights and come home late but I could be wrong. Well enough of my ramblings, take care and I value your opinions, insights, support, thank you so much.
DAF
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