Is this normal?
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Is this normal?
| Fri, 04-22-2005 - 11:52am |
Well my A has been over ('officially over') for about 2 months now. He is MM, I am single and it was an emotional affiar, no IC. We have had very little contact over the 2 months - maybe 1 or 2 texts and 1 email. I do find that each day is getting a little easier - and for that I am truly greatful. I have started to go out with friends again for fun and to keep myself from moping around the house. My question to all of you is this - when I do go out with friends, whether to dinner or a drink, etc., is it normal to have absolutely no interest in the opposite sex? I have fun talking and enjoying the evening but when a friend says something like - 'oh isn't he cute?' - I usually just agree thinking to myself that I have absolutely no interest in even looking at someone else. It's not that I'm still pining away for my MM to come to his senses (yeah, right - we all have our deep dark fantasies don't we - admit it!) but I still, after 2 official months and about 2 months before that where I knew it was going to end, have no interest. I guess I'm not ready. Is it okay for me to let myself just not be ready? I have no desire to force a situation or date someone just because - I'd hate for someone to do that to me if the shoes were on the other foot. What do you guys think? What have you experienced?

It's just too soon honey. You may have a scab, but the wounds are not healed yet. Grief is a process. It's good that you are getting out and smelling the flowers a bit. Just keep doing what you are doing and for godsake don't end up like me after 13 years.....
Thanks princess - it just seems so hard sometimes - like I feel guilty for not moving on quicker - or that by my not getting back out there I am giving him even more months of my life. But, I know that a time will come when someone will peak my interest - and I don't want there to be any lingering guilt or loneliness because of MM.
I will keep on keeping on in the meantime. I know in my head (and my heart when I really admit it to myself) that my ending the A was the best thing I could have done. I don't think he would have the courage to walk away. He is a man who is very much trapped in the fear of facing the unknown! He needs to face his M without a security blanket to fall back on to(Me) and then make his decisions accordingly. If he leaves eventually, it will be because he wants to be happy and to show his kids what a loving relationship can really be. But, he has not promises that I'll be around.
Logic is easy for all of us - it's the heartbreak that brings us to tears!
Katie,
<<>>
Any relationship that ends is painful. Moreso with affairs because it's an ending to a dream that was nothing more than just that. Affairs, being fantasy based, are mostly lived out in our heads. A few stolen moments here and there does not a relationship make ;) We are really clueless as to what our AP is really all about. There is no allowance for the growth that RL relationships offer..our feelings are confined to wishful thinking and all of those what ifs that we aren't able to experience on a day to day basis with someone we think we love. Communication is restricted to phone calls, IM's, text messages and emails. Where is the real inner-action that is needed to sustain the heart?
I am 11 months out of my affair and I still have no desire to date or meet anyone. My affair took a chunk out of my soul that only recently has begun regenerating. How you are feeling is normal, and quite frankly I would advise taking your time in finding that new love. For us to have settled for the crumbs offered in an affair speaks volumes about just how much healing *NEEDS* to take place, and not just from the pain of the affair. There was/is something inside of us that needs to be addressed as to why we thought so little of ourselves that we would want a man/woman who belongs to someone esle, or if one is a WS, why they would seek attention outside of their marriage? There is a weakness/defect within us that needs to be uncovered, scrutinized, and then discarded for it's ineffectiveness. This goes hand in hand with anyone blaming their AP for the anguish they now feel, for they have a long hard road ahead of them in finding the answers they will need for moving on.
It was not until I took a good long hard look at myself did I see where the work was most needed in comprehending *why* I had failed myself FIRST, before assisting my MM in possibly ruining his family and reputation. Simply put, sffairs are selfish and destroy people.
<<< I will keep on keeping on in the meantime. I know in my head (and my heart when I really admit it to myself) that my ending the A was the best thing I could have done. I don't think he would have the courage to walk away.>>>
Always remember this. It was the best thing you could have done, for yourself and him. My XMM would have gone on forever too had I not taken the first steps in closing the door. I still work with him, so it has not been an easy task, but there is no longer that dark forbidden cloud hanging over our heads that at any moment could have caused the "Storm of the Century" in both of our lives.
Stay strong, focused and loyal to the person who is most important here......YOU.
Id
Id,
u said u still work with xMM, it must be hard, xOW could not handle working with me and she left, i think she is the saner one in the affair, she left without saying goodbye, just rode into the sunset
thanks for sharing,
max
(((thanks for sharing)))
My pleasure Dear Max. You may not see it now, or understand it today, but your XOW did you a huge favor. I refused to leave my job, after being there now for almost 16 years, but old age and acquired wisdom has taught me that NO ONE can intimidate you unless you allow it.
Peace to you,
Id
Id,
actually i wanted to leave the job also but she found one ahead of me, she was telling me before that we could not work together, i guess working together was too much stress for her among other things in the affair, im single and she is leaving with the father of her daughter ( she is not legally married in CA.)
i think she did the right thing, she always said that she will be happy if i can find someone who is able to give me the time she cannot give to me since we always steal time here and there
u are right, i still dont see it now, im sure in the future she did the right decision for both of us
are u on the west coast? just curious how many are on west coast time ?
max