Nostalgia is nipping at my heels

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Nostalgia is nipping at my heels
6
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 2:49pm

I met some girlfriends for lunch today and they chose a restaurant that my xMM and I were fond of frequenting. The nostalgia is a tad overwhelming. We had a lot of great conversations there, laughed, shared gossip, furtively held hands under the tables, etc. Most of the "good" parts of our relationship took place in that restaurant.

It was stupid of me to agree to eat there today.

This is the part that is hardest for me to handle, the good memories. We were emotionally intimate long before we became physically intimate. He was a great person to talk to, about anything. I miss the conversations.

So my question for you is this: How do you erase those memories, or cope with them? I won't break my NC, but some days it's hard not to wallow in my own self-pity and longing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 2:58pm

Shel,
Have you ever had an old high school or college boyfriend? If so, I bet you can look back on the places you used to go now with some degree of fondness. It is much the same thing. It will take time, though, and you won't ever completely erase the memories, but they will fade if you keep up the NC and work on living a new life. I promise!! :)

K.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 4:35pm

Hi Shel,

I have been out of the physical side of my affair for about a year now. But this is the time of year when the nostalgia hits the most. It is the fall season, it is passing the restaurant we used to go, it is passing his home on the way to a relatives, even getting into my care makes me think of him(we drive the exact same color/make of car). There isn't much ecscaping it for me. So I do know how you feel. I try and cope the best way I can by keeping extremely busy and making new memories. Very hard, as I still miss him every single day and wish I could've , would've done things differently, but keeping busy is the next best thing!! I hope you get lots of helpful advice!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 5:18pm

First of all, honey, you know you shouldn't have gone to that restaurant! That being said, it's okay to miss him and get nostalgic. Just don't act on those feelings. I doubt you'll be able to cover them up. You need to work thru them, admit they were wonderful but a part of your past, and let them die a natural death. Here's something I did:

My XMM and I had a particularly wonderful evening in early summer of 2002. In the early summer of 2004, after my A was over, I was really intensely longing to repeat that night. But, like you, I knew it wasn't worth breaking NC to do it. So I totally emersed myself in the feelings. I listened to the music I associated with that night. I looked at the outfit I'd worn that night. I did everything possible to put myself back there. I wrote down the events of the night in excruciating detail. I focused on that evening until I was sick to death of it, and began to have some very interesting revelations.

Just my two cents. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 9:18pm

hi there Shel--
I agree with Katie...fondness is the way I cope. I have chosen to react wiht that same fondness she mentioned when soemthing reminds me of XMM. I usually get a small smile on my face, allow myself to think about it for a minute or two, then kick the thought out of my head. I find that if I allow myself a set amount of time to think about whatever thought is bugging me, then I can more easily move on. It's much harder to get rid of the nagging thoughts and memories if you don't allow yourself the time to think about them. Does that make sense?

You can't really erase the thougths -- our brains are just not wired that way. But you can choose the way you would like to deal with them. You can either deal with them with feelings of hurt and yearning and desire and sadness, or you can choose fondness for a moment, then move on. I suggest you work toward fondness, even if it takes awhile for you to get to that point :-)

Good luck, and congrats on keeping the NC!

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 8:02am

Ok, so you a triggered a thought.

I know it doesnt matter but....

Do you think they have those moments of nostalgia as well or do you think their brains are wired differently.

xMM once said to me when we were once trying to end things that it was hard for him but he doesnt allow himself to wallow in those thoughts.

So what do you think???

xo!

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 6:27pm

hi there Dipss---
I don't know if I can answer that. Each guy is wired a bit differently--just like us chicks! But there are definite similarities between all guys as there are with all women. That said, I think guys have those thoughts too. Otherwise we wouldn't get calls from them out of the blue:-)

How about all you men out there? How do you answer that?

Meg