Not answering this time

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Not answering this time
10
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 8:40pm

Well for the first time ever I did not answer when he called, or hurry and call him back as soon as I could. Thank God I did not hear the phone ring and when I saw his # on it 40 minutes later I couldn't breathe and was numb. I called my one friend who knows and she is not there...HHEEELLLPP!! Even though NC was Feb 17 I have always answered him, sometimes called him. After talking last Fri for 90 minutes he said he would come up here to see me. He didn't show, didn't call, and I just knew that he could if he wanted to. Everything everyone has said is so right. He has thrown his wife in my face so many times, and I have been content to do anything for him. Thinking he was so great? Thinking this is a great friendship? (for him maybe)I had resolved to not pick up and not email and not discuss it, finally just end it. Knowing he would still call (when he wanted some phone sex or a boost to his ego) and also knowing he may want me to help him with work (so he won't burn this bridge).

What is wrong with me that I still am having a hard time not calling back? If he is all of the bad things I think, then it is better for me. If he is all of the good things I think, then it is better for both of us to just let it go. There is this small part of me that is afraid I am blowing something great. It will probably take more then just one ignored phone call for him to get the fact that I am done being treated like crap. When we talked I said why can't we talk about friend subjects and he said that's not as much fun?? WTF!!! He told me how much he misses me, loves me, blah, blah, blah....why wouldn't he! I have done everything for him, but the reality is what has he ever done for me??? Has he ever inconvienced himself for me? No! I am trying to stay strong and I know that when it comes to playing mind games he wins, but if I don't play at least I can't lose.
I am trying to remind myself that I can just delay, that gives me more time to act instead of react.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 9:00pm

Hey girl... hang in there! I know how hard it is when you are left to yourself to deal with being strong but you CAN do it!

I know you want to pick up that phone and hear his voice and get the IMMEDIATE needs met - but think about a day - 2 days a week from now when he isn't there for you - when you are feeling like he got what he wanted and now you are on hold for a period of time again. Think how much better it will feel when he's calling trying to find out why you won't talk to him... and YOU have the power. You aren't trying to get him to care to get through to him - cause you CAN'T and WON'T get through to him... but atleast YOU can walk away with your head held high!

Post again - keep talking to me - DON'T pick up the phone! I'm here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 10:34pm

Hi KC!

Just read this post....I am feeling for you but don't have much time. What is happening with your husband right now? Your XMM is trying to intrude in your healing. Please don't allow it - work on the here and now i.e stay "real" IF (and only if) you can't make it work with your H - then, it is time to "start over" (and returning to your A is definately "starting over". Let's talk some more on the weekend. ((((HUGS)))))

ARTIST

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 1:18am

You guys are the greatest. My DD is home from college and we are out to eat and I get another call. She can see I am upset so I make up some lie about work, problem is she has a pretty good idea that something happened in the past and who it happened with. Anyways he called AGAIN and I excused myself and picked up. I told him I can't believe he is calling me on a SAT nite. Since we worked together we rarely called on the weekends but guess what, he is working and bored. I went off on him, saying he was only calling cuz he was bored, if he was home with his family he wouldn't be calling told DD I had to be on this call and I unloaded about past things he did, how he says he wants to be my friend yet continually talks about sex, all of the times he direspected me, etc. He tried so hard to calm me down and have me be reasonable but I just got it all out and then I told him I had to go, he tried to keep talking but I said sorry, I gotta go.

My DD and I went to a local casino for awhile, she told me that my DH wanted to hire a PI or have me on the Cheaters show. So evidently not a super big secret around my house. Although when I ask DH if he wants to talk about it he dosen't want to know. I told DD that xmm and I got close but nothing as far as IC happened. I am struggling.

My DH has gotten another job, staying at home was too hard with his depression. My DH has been sick ever since we moved, well prob a few years before that but since he quit working he has had high blood pressure, major depression, infected teeth and now he has a kidney stone. He has been medicated for a week while trying to pass this. I am trying to be understanding and I know that when you are sick everything bothers you. I am so confused he is not really nice to our kids and I wonder what do I have him around for? He is not that interested in making changes. He just wants the kids to leave. Our youngest is only 13. I told DH that I would give him till DEC. for us to work on our M. If we can't make any progress I am ready to quit, actually I guess I quit when I began the A. I remember FREE saying you should not make any life decisions until you are out of the A for at least 6 months. I guess I really need a T but I have had bad luck in the past, how do you find a good one?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 2:06pm

jstmekc,

I have been following your story closely and always enjoy your posts. When I first came to this board I don't think you were talking to xMM as much and you seemed to feel better about things in general (more upbeat).

In fact, you posted a wonderful post about how it's okay that you love xMM and always will, but that you know your family/H comes first. You seemed like you were "ok" with everything.

That 90 min conversation with xMM seems to be the turning point. I just don't want you to start to give up on your M just because xMM is starting to throw a lot of nice conversations your way (I'm saying this and not commenting that I might be persuaded by my xMM doing that too of course)... but just as an outsider looking in... you have seemed more distraught since that conversation took place and things seem to be escalating at home (with your kids and your H). Is it possible your H just senses you've "left" the M and that's why he's depressed?

I just don't want your M to be influenced by xMM (he is married, right? He may not leave even if your M dissolves).

There are good Ts out there... but according to my friends you sometimes have to go through a couple of them before you get one you like. I would strongly recommend that. I just started going and finally feel like "I'm under doctor's care" and they will help me to do the right thing.

Keep us posted, WIP

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 3:35pm

Last night I could not sleep. I was just tormented by this, I wondered it I was going to be able to keep it together and then I remembered something ARTIST said in one of her posts about letting the pain sink in and just sitting with it. So I tried it and as I felt the pain wash over me it went away, and I realized how ridiculas it is. The pain comes from me feeling undesireable and unwanted (physically) by the men in my life.

I also thought about what XMM said and I know that he wants to rebuild our friendship and I honestly can't say if I am OK with that. He is willing to take months and go really slow but I don't know if I want him for a friend. I guess part of me still wants to be with him. He has apologized a million times for hurting me but I can't seem to forgive him. Until I can we can't move on and be friends. I know some of it is my pride. I hate the fact that he can just be my friend and be with his family. while I am facing this mess at home.

Also my DH just complains and complains and I can't stand it anymore. I would rather live in my car then listen to this.....I have definately got to find a good T for both of us.

Thanks so much for listening!!!!

<<<>>> You are the best!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 10:08pm

KC,

hi , hope u are feeling much better this time

tell XMM to get lost, if he truly cares for u, he will leave u alone, u have to resolve your issues with H and yourself

i say, get back with H and live and happy life and tell MM to bugger off, or if it does not divorce maybe if this is an option, start a new life again, its never too late u know

ahh, i dont know what to say, i see so much pain in this board and i can feel it also

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 10:20pm

Hi KC,

Please remember it is all about CHOICE - YOU are in CONTROL. You cannot make a conscious decision with your XMM in the background contaminating your point of view. You have set a deadline - six months. Put all of your love and focus and energy into your family and your DH during this time frame. There will be lots of dissappointments - we are the champions of creating unrealistic expectations - but it is naive to imagine that there will not be many ups and downs along the way. For now - communicate and do your best to share ALL of yourself with your DH and when the time comes -you will KNOW........

Being lonely is a very painful place - but wasting your life in a LIE is even worse.

Let's talk again soon,

ARTIST

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 11:48pm
THANKS for your support. Sometimes I just feel like it is more then I can handle. I should have dealt with my problems with DH 2 years ago, but here I am still struggling with the same issues. I am focusing on my family. I keep hoping DH will start feeling better and we can make some progress. As I have been sitting here writing this I notice that all I want to do is write about xmm and how he wants to "rebuild our friendship and is willing to go slow. He said it will take a long time to rebuild a friendship but it only took us a few minutes to ruin ours." I am understanding that is really not an important thing in my life right now, yet it is all I want to focus on. I know it really dosen't matter what he says or does I should be worried about my life instead of him. I can see he has been the one thing I held onto.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 9:23am

<<<>>>

What type of a friend does he want to be? Is he encouraging you to "work on you (and your husband and family)" ? You KNOW that is what you need to do right now....

My XMM are managing "very guarded" limited contact BUT we are both totally committed to NO sexual contact& NO personal discussions about our spouses or marriages & NO meetings that our spouses are not aware of. So far I have shared some of the insights I have written about here with him and I have told him about how my personal therapy is going. In fact, I think my progress has encouraged him to start investigating therapy as an option for his own personal healing.

After 7 years of living a very unhealthy lifesyle and now experiencing the difference of living 2 months of "affair-free" authenticity I am feeling stronger and more determined about ending my A each and every day. You too MUST FOCUS on your own moments of WHOLENESS and the release of living an "integrated reality". Perhaps your future may not include your DH but you owe it to him, yourself and your family to do the work to figure it out. I know and you know that affairs are a NO WIN avoidance strategy.

I hope you are feeling stronger today - my thoughts and prayers are with you.

ARTIST

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Mon, 06-06-2005 - 10:10am

XMM is actually the one who initiated the NC and has always been guilty about the A. He always wanted me to work thigs out with DH, he never lead me to believe this was more than an A. He started off trying to be supportive and listen to my problems but as he got to know me better he made the choice to cross the line. He has his own issues with A's having done this before. He has never had a friendship with a woman. The difference for him is that he wants to have a friendship with me still. In the past he has walked away and never spoken to the XAP. I talked to XMM this morning (work issue) and he apologized about calling on the weekend and admitted that he wouldn't have liked it if I had called him on a Saturday. It was amazing how self centered he is. He never really thought of how the the things he did impacted me. He said that I spoiled him and made it so easy. I told him I wouldn't make excuses for him anymore like his wife, mother, sisters, etc. do. We talked about a friendship being 50/50 and not taking more then you are willing to give. Looking at him as a friend he really is a selfish, spoiled and immature guy and DH is the better man. I know that I can never go back (although I miss the sex!) to another A it would kill me. I used to think XMM would always be in my life and now it could go either way. If he can't truly be my friend then why let him in?

I need to stand up for myself in my relationships and make sure my needs get met too. My DH and XMM are alike in some ways. (Could that have been part of the attraction?) I am done just giving and never taking what I need back. It started when I was little I always took care of my Mom and felt responsible for my siblings. It was my job. Now I need to take care of me. Wow that statement was powerful and got me emotional. Evidently a huge issue.

I am feeling a little stronger but it seems to be an hour by hour thing with me. Although it does bring peace to just let XMM go and concentrate on my family. Thanks for being there and getting me through this rough spot.

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