Not fair!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Not fair!!!
4
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 1:14pm

First, thank you id, free and jenn for your responses to my other thread. Your advice is very helpful.

My weekend was filled with so much joy as well as sadness. He called again on Friday, this time, I was out of my office so he left a vm and then called my cell. I actually WANTED to pick up? Thankfully I didn't. One of my closest friends invited me out for a drink that night and the girls were having dinner with their dad so I agreed to go.

Well, between him living in the same town that I do, he works in the same town where my best friend lives. However, I purposely do not step foot in any of his "hangouts" and silly me to think he would do the same. I met with her in a place that she and I have hung out at for YEARS, we know the owners and we are quite comfortable there to sit and chat. Well, when I got there he shows up 20 mins later. My eyes filled with tears, my stomach in knots and my head began to pound. Mind you, I was laughing and enjoying myself until he walked in.

I won't bore you with the details, I tried leaving, he grabbed my arm and began his sobbing. With tears running down my face, I looked him in the eye and practically begged him to leave me alone. My friend walked up to him (she knows) and told him, "This isn't fair to her, nor is it right. You've made your decision, let her be!" We got in my car and left. Luckily for me, my friend managed to cheer me up.

He called Saturday and Sunday, both of which I didn't answer. His vm's are all about the "I love you", "I just need more time", "I haven't been 'physical' with her, nor do I want too", "I'm here because of my DD", "I will find the strength to do what I have to do, I just can't be rushed", "Please say you'll hold on", "I can't bear to lose you"....BLAH...BLAH...BLAH...BLAH!!

I enjoyed the weekend with my friends, family and of course my two adorable DD's. But not with a few tears and moments of sheer rage in between both days. I couldn't sleep last night and I actually miss him horribly. He is being selfish, he want's me to hold on until he is "ready". I can't beleive this mess.

How can I make any progress if he continue's to torture me this way? I'm trying to be strong and it's incredibly difficult as is let alone him appearing everywhere? One of his messages even said that he went to my house with his DD in the car to see me? Why would he do such a thing, I became so close with her that she would even call me "mommy"?? He knows that I miss her as much as I miss him, why would he do that to the both of us??

Part of me feels that yes, he does love me and wants to be with me but he can't be "strong" enough to "let go", in the meantime, I can't be what he wants me to be? He said on the last message that if nothing else, please be his friend, he needs to know that he hasn't lost me "completely". A) I CAN'T BE HIS FRIEND???? B) Even if we TRIED, with how intense he and I are emotionally, it would be minutes before we are both crying/hugging one another. I can't take this...

Enough rambling...thank you all so much for all your kind advice. Please, help me get through this...

Doves

BTW, special {{{{{HUGS}}}}}} to you Jenn, I can imagine what your going through and I know it's painful, maybe if you talk to him and explain to him what your needs are emotionally before he goes, he might understand a bit more? Either way, keep me posted.

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: doves6
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 3:39pm

(doves)

i'm not sure i'm in the best state of mind to offer any advice but i did want to offer you some support. i'm not sure why he's doing this. Yes, maybe he is TRULY torn. But that just doesn't give him a right to hold on to you. How nice it must be to have TWO women in your life! He doesn't want to give it up. If this man loved you he would move mountains for you, not just leave you voicemails and leave you alone to bear the burden. Consider changing your cell number. i know you can't change your work number but there are some ways around at least some of the calls. Never assume he won't be somewhere if you are on similar turf. He may not have bad intentions, but if he has made his choice and wants what is best for you, he ought let go, or commit to you fully. He doesn't want to pick. He wants to be in an A. And that would be okay maybe, if you wanted it too. But since you don't, he has to get the balls to move on. And you know what is crappy? Most of the time, the WOMEN of the world are the people that have the balls to GET STUFF DONE. Most men who "leave" are really kicked out. WE make the tough decisions. WE make things happen. The men are just along for the ride and for all the chest puffing they do, we are the tough ones. You can do this doves. If he loves you, he'll commit to you, not just call you and leave you whiney voice mails.

remember that old song? if you don't want me set me free? who was that aretha franklin or something LOL.

As for me...well he's given me the ultimatum. i can not date and be with him for a few months until he moves or we can break up now. i am not hadnling it well, i was so happy before. i should probably post about it but haven't had teh courage yet.

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: doves6
Mon, 04-11-2005 - 8:44pm

Doves

...BLAH...BLAH...BLAH...BLAH....YOU GOT THAT RIGHT. Let me suggest that if there was genuine love involved for him he would Sacrifice what he wants for what you NEED and that is to be left alone to heal and get your life back on track, REAL LOVE is by its nature self-sacrificeing it concerns itself more the the object of that love then it does with itself, YOUR A MOTHER I know you understand what I mean.

If he was the genuine thing he would leave you alone until he could do right by you and that would require a DIVORCE DECREE and him legaly free to marry you.

In MY opinion what he is doing to you is about total selfishness he cares for no one but himself, he will willingly hurt you to keep a grip on you.

Bunny put some new energizer batteries in and run the other way as fast as you can go.

Doves I am truely sorry that you being put through this, do what it takes to make him go away even if you have to get a restraining order against him, no one has a right to emotionally abuse you.

MY NOT VERY HUMBLE OPINION

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
In reply to: doves6
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 6:58am

(((Doves)))

When someone truly loves you, they will not cause you harm in any way. Your X is a self-absorbed cling-on driven by selfishness and neediness. You already have 2 children...you don't need another one at this time.

Try to see him for who he really is, ( or what ). IMO, he is an anchor weighing down your heart and the whole affair was more than enough burden for you to carry around.

Free yourself. Get rid of this 180 pound dumbbell ;) (just guessing on the weight)

Id

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
In reply to: doves6
Thu, 04-14-2005 - 11:57am

Doves,

This is off the real topic of your thread, but I just wanted to mention something. You said that his daughter called you "mommy" at times. I don't know how old she is, and it really doesn't matter, but surely, when you get past the emotional good feeling that brought you because he had to have noticed too, surely you can see how highly innappropriate that is. No child should ever call a parent's boyfriend or girlfriend "mommy" or "daddy" if they are not married, but especially when the two are just having an extra-marital affair. If he allowed that, I would really question his values, and if you wanted it, you should maybe take a look at that. Just really innappropriate.