Not feeling so good

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Not feeling so good
11
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 11:24am

Help, Ladies. I'm not feeling so good today and can't put my finger on why. I've been doing so well. Today, I am thinking about him. I am actually looking at his picture right now on his "company's" website. I am alternating between disgust and desire.

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 11:40am

Alwayst,


Hugs to you because we all understand bad days. Anything could have triggered it but looking at his company's website is self abuse, my dear, so

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 12:05pm

Always,


Ive been there honey and was there only a few short weeks ago. Iddy is right (as always) that this is one of the mandatory stops on the road to indifference. Once I made it past where you are right now, I have felt so much better and have not doubted my course.


I was just thinking this morning how this healing process, status post A, is multi tasking at its most challenging level. We must deal with every single thought and emotion that you mentioned. It no easy feat thats for sure. The desire part, you made me laugh cuz Ive had those same thoughts. H doesnt make me feel as good as XMM did but I constantly remind myself that H doesnt make me feel as low as XMM did.


Hang in there Always. It may not seem like it but the fact that you have all of these feelings really shows you are making progress.


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 12:17pm

Dear Always;

Sister - I am with you. I am filled with all the emotions you expressed. The complexity of coping with opposing emotions is overwhelming. I wonder how can I simultaneously want to vomit at the thought of him and yet, cry over missing him? How is that possible? Well, because an A is all one big screw with the mind and heart. It takes time to sort through the threads. To untangle ourselves from the mess. I have been having some very tough days lately - filled to my eyeballs with anger & hurt, frustration & rage. I am swinging like a monkey from emotional branch to emotional branch. I am all over the place. I just have to remind myself that although this sucks, it sure as heck ain't anywhere near as bad as things were while in the A. I remind myself that while I am not yet where I want to be, I am certainly NOT where I don't want to be ... and that's back with him. Funny thing is, I just had a conversation with xAP (we are in LC because of work) ... and he was giving me the same old excuses for why he has failed to hold-up his end of the project. And in our work, if his work doesn't get done, mine won't be completed. So that means, yup you guessed it ... I'll work harder to make-up for it.

Well - I am not sure I helped ... but I did want to say, hey I get it. I really do. And it SUCKS. But it is better than that whole mess!

You have been such an incredible support for the women here ... give yourself some slack and know that you will be feeling better soon. Let the emotions come, thank them for the lessons they teach you, and then wave them good-bye.

((hugs))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2010
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 12:55pm

Oh honey.

Imustenjoypain!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 1:21pm

I loved this!


<>


Very insightful. ;-)

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 3:24pm

Ladies, thank you so, so much for your words of encouragement and letting me know I am not alone. Each one of you said something that touched me in a very good way...


Thank you, Iddy - The feelings and emotions you are experiencing are all part of the aftermath package which is delivered in black wrapping paper with dead roses on top. ... Today may be a bad day, but tomorrow holds the promise of being a good one.


GMLB - this is one of the mandatory stops on the road to indifference. Once I made it past where you are right now, I have felt so much better and have not doubted my course. ... H doesnt make me feel as good as XMM did but I constantly remind myself that H doesnt make me feel as low as XMM did.-- Thank you for these words of encouragement and thank you for reminding me of some of the reasons why my H is so much better than xap.


TU - The complexity of coping with opposing emotions is overwhelming. I wonder how can I simultaneously want to vomit at the thought of him and yet, cry over missing him? ... Well - I am not sure I helped ... but I did want to say, hey I get it. -- Just knowing others know what you are feeling helps tremendously. Thank you.


IMEP - I'm right there beside you, chest-deep, holding your hand.

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 8:07pm

Always2- Here's a big hug for you. It's just one of those days and you know they pass. You know it. So, take time out for yourself and allow yourself to feel. All of these emotions are normal as we wade through this recovery. We've all felt this way. And believe me, it does pass. Remember the 48 hour rule- take care of yourself, do not reach out to him, for 48 hours, and I promise you will feel better. I promise. So many of us have come and gone here and so many have made it. And you will too. Hang in there.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 8:52pm

((Alwayst2))

This too shall pass. Be kind to yourself - get those chocolates, or glass of Merlot, or cuddle with you wonderful husband. Remember all that is good in your life that makes it so worthwhile. I look back at the last year while I suffered through the agony of an affair, was struggling with depression - I have no idea how I made it - and now I see that I still kept my family intact, I was working two higly demanding jobs and was able to put together an application for the graduate school to pursue a life long goal of mine. We are much stronger than we think. You may think you're falling apart - but in reality that's your old "you" is shedding now to give way to a new "you" - the better and the happier one:)

Love,
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 8:05am
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
Tue, 06-15-2010 - 9:41am

You ladies are all so wonderful!! Thank you soooooo much for your support and words of encouragement. It's amazing what 24 hours will do!!! I feel so much better today.


For anyone out there struggling with the confusing emotions I was feeling, just hang in there and know it will pass. It may take a little while, but it WILL pass. The pain is all part of the healing.


Alice, I know I need to work on forgiving myself. I have been so utterly disgusted. I wasn't some young, naive chick. I knew what I was getting back into. This dude was my husband's arch nemisis and I freakin slept with him. AGAIN!! Who does that?? How can I ever make up for it without letting H know what I did? I am full of guilt.


Thank goodness I'm seeing my T today. I stopped my IC when we were going to MC, but now I need to get back to a few issues of my own. This is definitely a hard journey, but one so worth taking. I really can't wait to get fully to the other side and be the better person I know I am capable of being.


Much love and great big giant hugs to you all. :)


~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.

Pages