Not feeling so good
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Not feeling so good
| Mon, 06-14-2010 - 11:24am |
Help, Ladies. I'm not feeling so good today and can't put my finger on why. I've been doing so well. Today, I am thinking about him. I am actually looking at his picture right now on his "company's" website. I am alternating between disgust and desire.

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Sad--I wish we could have just been friends, although we both know neither of us could have stopped at that. We are both too selfish and in need of stroking. We played a game with each other, and it was most definately a power game. Me: See how hot I still am? See what you could have had 20 years ago? Him: See how important I am? See how I survived what happened 20 years ago? God, I am sad because I miss you. I miss your flirty emails. I miss how you used to think about me all the time. I am sad because I miss how you made me feel. I am sad because I was doing fine in life without you in it. I am sad because you are not the person I thought you were. >>>
alwayst2 - did we just morph into each other! My jaw dropped! I read your post and saw the exact path the affair with my college bf led me down. Your "sad" paragraph is spot on - so many of us could probably see ourselves in those words. I know for me, that was exactly how I felt and what I had to overcome. Your "Me" see how hot I still am - was what after much self studying I realized probably allowed me to have the A. I was out to prove xAP let go of such a good thing many years ago in college. (in a twisted way, possibly revenge) It wasn't because I was still madly in love with the guy. I still cared, but mad love, no. Curiosity, yes.
<<< I am sad because you are not the person I thought you were. >>>
Yep, I raise my hand to that. After 33 years, xAP was nothing close to the knight on a white horse I had built him up to be all those years away from him. It took 3 years into the affair to really see how deluded my thinking was. He was nothing close to what my fogged in mind made him out to be. He made me feel good, period. We had history, but history is just that, history. And that ewwww feeling you mentioned? sickening isn't it? But in time, and with self study, asking yourself a lot of questions, you'll get past that feeling. The anger and disgust will just turn to bleh. I promise :-)
But were we who we thought we were? This is where we learn, this is where we can heal and move on. My realization of who I really, really am, is what set me free. I not the woman who allowed that man in my life. I am so much better and so much more than the broken down shell that went down that ugly path.
alwayst2 - you are seeing the affair for what it was. Keep working through the tough days and the many emotions. YOur post was a good example of thinking through it. Sharing those feelings helps so many and of course, you too. Hold your head up high, walk with dignity and know who you are !!
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