Not going to make it

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Not going to make it
6
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 12:52pm
I really don't think I'm going to be able to give up OM. For those that haven't read my posts, I'm married, OM is not. OM wants to marry me, I decided to give him up, at least temporarily, to try and work on marriage. But, it's so hard to work on my marriage when all I can think about is OM.

H is a great guy, wonderful husband, great father to our three year old. But, I've felt like we were only friends for a long time, and we've never really had passion or chemistry. Just a great, close realtionship. We never fight, and we get along great. We always have a good time together. But, I don't think he has the qualities that will ever completely fulfill me in a lifelong, romantic partnership. He thinks we can get passion even though we've never had it. I think you can't rebuild something you never had. Just thinking about a divorce is so painful, but I don't know if that's just because we've been together so long (14 years), we basically grew up together, and we're so comfortable together. On the other hand, I think I would be really happy with OM, happier than I've been in a while.

So, stay with what is good, safe, and comfortable, or take a chance for more happiness and a life that might be more fulfilling? I'm only 33, and feeling like it's time to take a chance. But, I'm about to move to an apartment, so maybe some time alone will give me a better perspective. In the meantime, every day is agony.

Thanks to everyone for your support. You've really been great.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 1:30pm
Again, your situation is so similar to mine. Ironically, last night I was **this close** to contacting MM and telling him that I'm ready to leave H for him. Thinking MM and I may have no future together racks my body with pain. Thinking about not having a future with DH doesn't have near that effect on me - and I think that's very telling.

I want the romance and the intimacy. I *want* to fight if it indicates that the relationship is passionate. DH and I do none of the above - and the fact of the matter is, we just may be incompatible as spouses and lovers. I'm like you - the thought of divorce is extremely scary to me, but I'm not sure I can go back to life the way I knew it before I got involved with MM. I just wish someone could tell me where the line is between being overly selfish and making yourself happy.

Good luck to you, sweetie - I'll be thinking of you!

ItalianPisces

 

ItalianPisces

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 1:48pm
I can remember being where you are right now. Trying to decide to stay, or to go. I have 2 pieces of advise for you.

1. Make sure your decision is made in truth. Look deep inside you soul, and don't be afraid, or hide from your true feelings.

2. Make sure you can live with your decision. Sometimes things don't turn out the way we want. But, life goes on.

I left my marriage to have a life with ex-MM. Four years later, I found out ex-MM was not the man I thought he was. So, here I am. I feel like I've been left on an island. The only way I can get back to civilzation is to swim.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 2:02pm
I'm so sorry things did not work out better for you. Do you wish that you had stayed in your marriage? Would that have been better than trying? Do you think you could have ever been satisfied if you didn't try?

Regarding your advice, I hope that my decision will be made in truth. However, I'm certain that it will be clouded by my feelings for OM since they are so strong and intense. I can only hope that I am not subconciously saboting my relationship with H so I have an excuse to leave.

It's so good to know that I am not alone in this situation, although I would never wish tis pain and confusion on anyone. Thanks so much for your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 2:39pm
In all fairness and truth.....I should have never married my ex-husband. All the signs were right in my face. I was in love with the, idea, of being in love. I married my ex-husband to spite ex-MM. I knew it would hurt him. I was angry because he would not leave his wife for me. But, I also wanted that "perfect" marriage. I was ready to give marriage again. So, I married the first guy that came along. Knowing all along that it would never work out. Yeah, it did hurt ex-MM, but in the end I hurt myself more.

So, ex-MM actually gave me the strenght to divorce. I know in my heat, if it had not been for ex-MM I would still be in a loveless marriage. Ex-MM actually did me a favor. "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are gonna get"- Forrest Gump. "The grass always looks greener on the other side" - unknown. You have to be able to go on, no matter what happens. You may have regrets, take those and learn from them.

I would have never been satisfied until I tried with MM. I would have always wondered "what if". I would have never gotten to know him for the liar, and cheat he really. I would have died thinking he was the perfect man for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 4:26pm
I'm in the same boat, move over! H wants to stay married, OMM wants to get married, and I'm drowning in guilt and pressure. Im leaning toward staying the marriage not necessarily because I think we can work it out but because I don't feel capable of making a decision that effects so many people right now. I fear that OMM is, as secretluver said, not the man I think he is. We have some major differences that aren't so bad in an A but I'm afraid that in real life we wouldn't be able to make it. He's offered to change anything and everything about himself, which makes me wonder a little bit. I think he's obsessing and compulsing over the whole thing. But I guess on some level we all are.

I don't know. For me, knowing that I can't make my mind up and keep it made up for any given 24-hour period, I'm trying to mitigate damages. I'm staying in the marriage. JMHO.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 5:09pm

Won't be able to give up OM?


Isn't it really a case of CHOOSING not to give up OM?


If so, then isn't it really best to come to OM as an EX-WIFE (as in already divorced) living a single life fully available for a complete relationship rather than lying and sneaking to be a MW?


Personally, after years of long-term affairs, I found it better to live one life, coming to former OW as a single man, marrying her and going forward as an above-board couple. I, like you, separated from my ex-w as a start to sort things out and repair the marriage or end it without being entangled in the affair. Ending the marriage was the better solution. After several years of acrimony, ex-w also has reached the conclusion that we are better at communicating at a distance than we ever were while married. Former OW/now CW (current wife) was adamant that there would be no future with me unless I came to her as a single man. Living a lie was eating at her as much as it was at me.


So, I wish you well as you journey towards final resolution of your situation. It's not easy. Please remember, though, that ultimately you'll make your decision and move forward within it. Living an honest life has been much more satisfying for me than the lies I told. I think you'll find that to be the same for yourself.


cl-nre