Not a good day...
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| Fri, 04-08-2005 - 9:13am |
I am feeling seriously HURT today. I'm so sad, I can't stand it. I left early yesterday and took my girls to the park and the anger/sadness was all over my face. I felt so much guilt, here I am with two adorable little girls (who need me) and I'm sitting there wanting to cry in the worse way.
It sucks to live in the same town as he does, everywhere I go, I remember this or that. I want to be mad again, I want that anger back. I didn't even stay there long and the girls were dissapointed. I just wanted to go home and couldn't find myself to stop feeling that way. I went home and started feeling so angry, at myself. Why? Why was I allowing him to hurt me, now that he's gone, he is still hurting me, which in turn, hurts my girls.
This sucks...I want this to go away, I thought I would feel better this morning, but I wanted to stay home and cry so bad. Here I am at work and can't focus for the life of me.
I know this is going to take time, it's just so much harder on days like this, for whatever reason...
Thanks for listening...
Doves

Doves
As hard as this all is believe it or not this is part of healing SO CRY when you need to it will help clean you out emotionally, your not helping the girls or yourself by holding it in, get alone Cry tell you done for the moment it's OK.
We all need to vent somehow and Crying is one of the best ways for a woman.
Hang in there this to will pass.
Free
Thanks Free,
I can't stand feeling this whole in my chest, it's horrible, but your right I should just let it out. I don't know, I feel that if I do, I'm "defeated" somehow, if that makes any sense. I've given him so much emotion that I'm upset that I am still feeling anything for him.
I guess I just want it to go away immediately and I know that's not the case but d*mn this hurts so bad.
Thanks for hearing me out.
Doves
Doves,
You're right. It does suck, especially when we have to put on an "I'm OK" face in front of co-workers, and family. You need to schedule "ME" time, no matter what it takes to do it. Away from the little ones, away from the public eye....just a few hours every once in a while. I was one of the lucky ones and was alone in my house when I ended my affair. I could kick, scream, hollar, and pout till the cows came home but ironically I didn't feel a thing. I never *have* cried...just a fleeting moment of sadness every once in a while. Maybe that was because I had methodically removed myself emotionally from him while we were *still* in the affair. Then one day, "I was done."
You will have good days. You will have disasterous days. On those negative days, try to plan an hour or two of just "DOVES" time where you can walk, run, drive, or just hide under the covers WITH NO INTERUPTIONS. The more you are able to do this, the quicker the clarity will come. In a week or two (yeah I know, that long??? ;) you will start having little break throughs of "OMG. Why didn't I see that before??" With each realization that arrives, those "GOOD" days stay longer than the bad ones.
Thinking of you,
Id
Id,
My T told me to do the same thing, with my schedule, it's tough but not impossible. I just didn't think this was going to hit me so hard. Deep down, I kinda always knew and the last few weeks contact became less and less so I thought I was o.k. with it. It's as if, all of a sudden, POW, I realized, it really IS over? As if I didn't know already? I've been so down since last night and it's getting worse today. I almost cried in front of my boss and where I work is EXTREMELY proffessional, I can't be seen this way.
Well, I just spoke with the girls father and he is taking them tonight, so I'm sure I'll have some time to myself, I just hope I use it productively. Meaning, I don't want to spend it crying over someone who is going about his day so peacefully while I am in so much pain. But like you and Free said, it might be healthier if I just let it out already.
I feel so weak right now, I know I'm better than this.
Thank you so much for your encouragement, I really need it. That and maybe a stiff drink!!!
Doves
<<< I'm sure I'll have some time to myself,>>>
Excellent!
<<>>>
Listen to me very carefully... whatever he is doing, DON'T GO THERE! This is VERY self-defeating. You don't know how he is feeling or what he is thinking and it's just a waste of precious healing time. Right now it's about YOU. Whether you spend it crying, yelling, or just taking a nice hot bath, a couple of tylenol PM's and hitting the sack early....it's TIME spent on YOU.
Thinking about him will change absolutely NOTHING. Making decisions for yourself, WILL.
Take care,
Id
Doves
Let me ask you a question : If you had been shot by this guy would you refuse medical treament because it would be an admiting that he had wounded you, we both konw you would get the attention you need it would be crazy not to.
There really is no difference with crying or ME time how ever you choose to handle your feelings, use the tools that will work for YOU, the sooner you do the sooner you will be at a better place to me a Mom to your girls, defeat would be letting pride keep you stuck were your at today.
Free
(hugs) for doves.
i'm sorry you're having a rough night but yup, it happens. i am having a horrible day. MM is basically giving me an ultimatum...return to him "full time" until he moves or leave him - slash - turn it into "real" friends just friends. i can't believe he's pulling this when i was finallyf feeling settled.
Oh, i'm sorry. Back to Doves :) :) i sound like a broken record with you girl. At least free comes up with new propoganda LOL. i keep saying the same things over and over. But keep going i will....
Doves i think you are a strong person. i think you have been brave, smart, strong, and true to *your*self throughout this whole crappy A (LOL). don't stop now. You do need to feel those feelings, live the moment. What you will learn is that the wrenching sadness only overwhelms you momentarily, and when you're done you're usually alot more clear after.
i think you're afraid to feel and that's why i keep telling you to. i was afraid too. i couldn't FATHOM the anger, fear and sadness WOULDN'T overwhelm me. i dunno about you, but my love life "past" consists of....high school sweetheart, ex H, and mm. Those *aren't* alot of breakups to learn from.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!! We will help you. Sad is okay...going back to him not...but we're here either way. We've been ther, and i'm still there quite frankly :*(
jen